Once Upon A Text
by oncerforlifeig
Summary: Text messages from our beloved characters.
1. Chapter 1

Emma & Regina

Emma: Hey, thanks for last night. I had fun ;)

Regina: Uhm, Miss Swan?

Emma: 0_0 Oh uh, sorry about that. I meant to text someone else...

Regina: Wait, I thought you were taking care of Henry last night!?

Emma: The number you have texted has been disconnected. This message is courtesy of att.

Regina: Don't you mean AT&T?

Emma: The number you have texted has been disconnected. This message is courtesy of AT&T*

Regina: We need to have a chat about your honesty Miss Swan...

* * *

><p>Regina &amp; Snow<p>

Regina: Are you aware that your daughter was on a date last night?

Snow: Hello to you too Regina. And no I wasn't. How do you know this?

Regina: She accidentally texted me a few minutes ago.

Snow: Ah, so that's why she asked me to spend time with Henry -.-

Regina: Does that mean you'll be handling the situation?

Snow: You can count on it.

Regina: Good :)

* * *

><p>Snow &amp; Emma<p>

Snow: EMMA SWAN! Did you lie to your father and I last night about going to work when you actually went on a date?!

Emma: I can explain...See what had happened was...

Snow: Yes? Go on.

Emma: I had gotten amnesia and started wandering around town...

Snow: You are a really bad liar. Nonetheless, you are in big trouble young lady. We are going to have a long talk when you get home.

Emma: Oh no...

Snow: Oh yes...

Emma: Who is this?

Snow: Oh don't play that game with me

Emma: I'm sorry, I really don't know who this is.

Snow: Oh well tell Emma someone left cookies here for her

Emma: OMFG COOKIES! Who left them for me?

Snow: I thought you weren't Emma...

Emma: Shit...

Snow: Mhmm...Like I said, bad liar.

* * *

><p>Emma &amp; Neal<p>

Emma: Neal, really quick, I need your help!

Neal: Hey cupcake. What's up? ^_^

Emma: Don't call me cupcake -_-

Neal: But you're my sugarlump

Emma: NOT NOW NEAL, I NEED YOU TO FOCUS

Neal: Okay okay, what's wrong?

Emma: I need you to dress up like me and go to my house.

Neal: o_o WHY?

Emma: Just pretend to be me. I really need you to do this for me

Neal: What do I get in return ;D

Emma: Me not kicking the shit out of you

Neal: ...Fine

Emma: THANK YOU! Love you!

Neal: Yeah yeah whatever

* * *

><p><em><strong>I hope you like it! Please feel free to leave a review!<strong>_


	2. Chapter 2

-Neal & Emma-

Neal: HELP!

Emma: Neal what's wrong?!

Neal: You need to get here NOW!

Emma: What happened!

Neal: I came here with a blonde wig on and pretended to be you.

Emma: Yeah, and?

Neal: Emma your parents aren't stupid

Emma: Okay then so why didn't you just leave?

Neal: I tried but Charming started chasing me around the house with his sword

Emma: Neal...where are you now?

Neal: In your closet hiding

Emma: *facepalm* Okay I'm coming to get you. Don't touch anything!

Neal: HURRY! I hear him coming! Nice jackets by the way

Emma: Why are you looking at my ja- Nevermind.

Neal: You should consider a wardrobe change.

Emma: I hope my dad finds you before I do...

Neal: ….

* * *

><p>-Snow &amp; Regina-<p>

Snow: Thank you for letting us know about Emma

Regina: Oh trust me, it was my pleasure

Snow: I was wondering if you could share some advice on a situation, dear stepmother

Regina: Yeah, don't call me that. And what's the problem?

Snow: Neal came over dressed as Emma and we're wondering what to do with him

Regina: Are you sure he wasn't dressed as her because he found it pleasurable?

Snow: No, he did it because Emma asked him to

Regina: Still, he needs some help. Alright uhmm, kicking his ass is a tad bit too mean, even for me. I know! Tell his father, I'm sure Rumple will know how to handle this.

Snow: Yes, I worry about Neal sometimes, especially since he's Henry's father and he has his genes. But that's a wonderful idea, thanks!

Regina: I am NOT raising my son to be like that oaf. And you're welcome dear.

Snow: You'll see Regina, DNA plays a big part in personalities sometimes

Regina: That's why I have magic

Snow: You wouldn't use magic on Henry would you?

Regina: ….Well I do believe I'm late for something!

Snow: REGINA!

Regina: Regina's not here right now, please leave a message at the beep. BEEP.

Snow: Regina when you hear this message, we need to talk, it's Snow!

* * *

><p>-Rumple &amp; Neal-<p>

Rumple: Son, why are the charmings texting me and telling you're in their house dressed up like a woman?

Neal: Not a woman. I'm dressed as Emma.

Rumple: Right, well son come to my shop. I fear we need to have a talk

Neal: Papa I can't. I can't come out of the closet.

Rumple: I really hope you mean that in the literal sense.

Neal: Yes of course! What else- You didn't just ask me that.

Rumple: Just checking son, I mean you haven't had a girlfriend in awhile.

Neal: Well maybe if you had loved me more...

Rumple: I knew I shouldn't have let you stay in Neverland with your grandfather.

Neal: At least I was having fun

Rumple: Right. Son, I'm going to tell you something I hope to have to never say again. COME OUT OF THE DAMN CLOSET ALREADY!

Neal: Ooo Emma's here! Bye Papa!

* * *

><p>-Emma &amp; Regina-<p>

Emma: I want to THANK YOU KINDLY FOR SNITCHING!

Regina: Emma dear, I merely suggested if your parents knew exactly where you were last night.

Emma: Well your "suggestion" got me in a lot of trouble.

Regina: No one told you to ask that buffoon you call a baby daddy to dress up like you and confront your parents. Did you think your parents were stupid enough to believe that?

Emma: Maybe...Look I don't know. All I know is this is partially your fault!

Regina: MY fault? Dear, you're sadly mistaken. And what is this punishment you're so upset about?

Emma: I have to wear skirts for 2 weeks, no cookies and no tv.

Regina: Oh I see, that is a tragedy but I'll try my best not to laugh when I see you.

Emma: Thanks -.-

Regina: No problem! ^_^

Emma: I'm giving Henry candy and sending him to your house.

Regina: Miss Swan you better NOT!

Regina: MISS SWAN!

Regina: I'm coming over there right now and if my son has candy, the punishment your parents gave you is going to seem like a gift when I'm through with you.


	3. Chapter 3

~Hook & Emma~

Hook: Morning Beautiful ;)

Emma: You got me in trouble -.-

Hook: What do you mean?

Emma: My parents found out I was out the other night.

Hook: Did you tell them what we did...?

Emma: NO! Of course not. I don't need my mom ripping my head off plus they don't know who I was with.

Hook: Oh thank goodness. The last thing I want is your father trying to kill me. Besides, we just went out for drinks.

Emma: Yeah cos he's pretty pissed.

Hook: I can imagine. What'd they do to you since they know you lied?

Emma: I have to wear skirts for two weeks -_-

Hook: I'd love to see that, your lovely legs

Emma: HOOK NOT NOW

Hook: You know you love it

Emma: I'm not going there with you right now

Hook: Later then :3

Emma: You couldn't handle this

Hook: the time will come when we'll see if that theory is correct

Emma: Yeah, we'll see.

Hook: I have to go now, the tv is making a weird noise, I accidentally poured water on it, kinda.

Emma: Why would you pour water on the tv?

Hook: It said it was thirsty

Emma: Hook that was a commercial...

Hook: Shit. Uhm, I better call a firefighter. There's a rose outside of your door with a note attached. It's for you Swan. Talk to you later.

Emma: Silly pirate xD

* * *

><p>~Henry &amp; Regina~<p>

Henry: Mom...

Regina: Yes son? What is it?

Henry: When are you coming home?

Regina: In an hour or so. Why, what's wrong?

Henry: There may be some chocolate all over the kitchen when you get here.

Regina: What does that mean?

*5 minutes go by*

Regina: HENRY MILLS!

Henry: I may or may not have created a chocolate volcano that spewed chocolate syrup everywhere.

Regina: If I come home and there's a mess in my beautiful kitchen, YOU. BETTER. RUN.

Henry: 0_0 Does that mean I should start cleaning?

Regina: Put it this way, if you don't, you won't see anything sweet for a year. How does that sound?

Henry: Can't talk! Cleaning!

Regina: That's my boy.

* * *

><p>~Neal &amp; Hook~<p>

Neal: Hey Hook

Hook: Mate! What's up?

Neal: Got some stuff and who better to share it with than my best friend.

Hook: That touches my heart. I'll be over in a few minutes.

Neal: Awesome. And maybe we'll go TP Regina's house xD

Hook: Aye! And take turns texting Emma

Neal: Dude, our friendship is totally amazing

Hook: No doubt

Neal: Don't forget the rum!

Hook: Did you forget who I was?

Neal: Right. You better hurry before I start without you

Hook: Don't you dare or I'll tell the crocodile

Neal: Psh. He'll kill us both if you do.

Hook: True. Alright, I'm outside

* * *

><p>~Robin &amp; Regina~<p>

Robin: Regina?

Regina: Yes? What is it?

Robin: I wanted to let you know that last night was something special.

Regina: Aww. Same for me dear. You really know how to treat a woman.

Robin: Thank you. I was always taught to treat a woman, especially a beautiful one like you, with the upmost kindness and respect.

Regina: You were taught well. When can we get together again?

Robin: How does tomorrow night sound? After I put Roland to sleep of course.

Regina: It's a date. And yes, I have to put Henry to bed as well.

Robin: I'll be counting the minutes until I'm in your presence again.

Regina: As will I. I'm so comfortable around you. It's like….

Robin: We were made for each other?

Regina: Yes! How did you know I was going to say that?

Robin: Because I feel the same way. There's something about you Regina. You bring out something in me and Roland has never been attached to someone so much like he is with you.

Regina: Well he is a little cutie, just as handsome as his father. I adore you both.

Robin: We adore you as well. Good night beautiful.

Regina: Good night Robin.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I thank you all for the reviews letting me know you loved this and want me to keep going. I know it seems like a long time before I update but if you follow me on IG (oncerforlife) you'll be able to get them first because I don't write all four parts at once, I may write one set of messages one week and the next set a few days later. So if you want to cut you waiting time down, go on and follow me lol Thanks again! Muah!<strong>_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Hook & Tinkerbell**_

Hook: Tink, my dear old friend

Tink: What do you want?

Hook: Now what makes you think I want something?

Tink: Hook, I'm not stupid. You always come to me when you want something, so cut to the chase.

Hook: Okay. I really need you help with something.

Tink: What?

Hook: Well, you know how I like Emma right?

Tink: I think the whole town knows that, but yes. Go on.

Hook: I could use your help with getting her something special. I was thinking rum...

Tink: If you give that woman rum, I will take that bottle and smash you over the head with it. Women like romance Hook, not drunks.

Hook: So you'll help me?

Tink: I suppose so. In return, I want you help me get a date with someone.

Hook: Ooo, you fancy someone? Who?

Tink: I'll tell you when the time comes.

Hook: Deal. Thanks Tink.

Tink: You're welcome. You know you're like a brother to me. The only family I have left.

Hook: Ay, same with me, lass. You're the only one I know I can count on no matter what.

Tink: Love you goofball.

Hook: Love you too!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Cora &amp; Regina<strong>_

Cora: Regina?

Regina: Yes mother?

Cora: Is the microwave supposed to be on fire?

Regina: No...why?

Cora: Oh, no reason. Just curious. But if it was, how would you go about putting it out?

Regina: MOTHER IS MY MICROWAVE ON FIRE?!

Cora: Gina calm down, I got this. I'll use magic.

Regina: NO DON'T! Just let me call someone to come and fix it, okay?

*10 minutes go by*

Regina: Mother?

Cora: Fixed it. I sent it somewhere else.

Regina: And where exactly is that?

Cora: Not sure. But where ever it is, it's someone else's problem now.

Regina: Oh God. I have got to get you somewhere else to live.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Robin &amp; Regina<strong>_

Robin: Uhm Regina?

Regina: Oh hey Robin. What's wrong?

Robin: I know I'm still getting used to living in the modern world but is there supposed to be a flaming metal box outside my door?

Regina: Oh my gosh Robin, no. I'm so sorry about that. That's my mother's fault. I'll have the fire department come handle it.

Robin: Oh okay. It's all good. I can't wait to see you tonight.

Regina: I can't wait to see you either. I need to smile right about now and you can always make me smile.

Robin: I'm glad I can. You make my heart skip a beat. The good skip a beat though.

Regina: You always know what to say. See you soon handsome.

Robin: I'll be counting the minutes beautiful.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Henry, Emma &amp; Neal<strong>_

Henry: Mom? Dad?

Emma: Kid? Why are we in a group text?

Neal: What's up pal?

Henry: I wanted to talk to both of you without repeating myself. Operation Tarantula is in action.

Neal: Really?! They're on the move?

Emma: We better get moving then. There's no time to waste!

Henry: Yes, I spotted them a few minutes ago. I'll meet you guys by Granny's. Kiddo out.

Neal: Emma, you sure we should be doing this?

Emma: Tis nothing sweeter than the taste of revenge.

Neal: What? I'm confused. Since when do you eat revenge?

Emma: *facepalm* YES WE ARE DOING THIS.

Neal: It's just, last time you got me in trouble with my dad and I'll be grounded if I get in trouble again.

Emma: It will be fine Neal. And if you get grounded, I'll reward your bravery with a kiss.

Henry: Eeeewwwww!

Neal: Yes! And how do you think you got here Henry? Plenty of kisses if you know what I mean.

Emma: ...You did not just tell our 13 year old son that...

Henry: I'm gonna puke. Just hurry up before they leave!

Neal: Right. Sorry. On my way.

Emma: Almost there kid. I just needed to stop and grab a drink. Your dad threw me off for a second.

Neal: Love you too Em. This is going to be EPIC!


	5. Chapter 5

_**Regina & Henry**_

Regina: Henry, what are you doing?

Henry: Oh uh, at home doing homework. Why?

Regina: Are you telling me the truth?

Henry: Uh huh...

Regina: Son, why am I looking at you and those two goofball parents of yours?

Henry: What you see is an illusion! It's not real! Just go back to enjoying your date.

Regina: I never told you I was going on a date...

Henry: Uh oh.

Regina: Mhmm...We'll talk later. I want to talk to those two idiots first.

Henry: Sorry mom

Regina: Oh you will be. Go home, NOW!

Henry: Yes mom.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Regina &amp; Emma &amp; Neal<strong>_

Regina: You two are by far the dumbest idiots I have ever encountered.

Neal: Is that a good thing?

Emma: No Neal. Ssh! Regina, what are you talking about?

Regina: I'm looking out the window of the restaurant and I see you in one bush and Neal in the other. Why?

Emma: Oh no reason, just hanging around...

Regina: Uh huh. Neal, why are you two out there? And why was Henry with you?

Emma: NEAL DON'T!

Neal: Emma, you know she's a snitch. Might as well come clean.

Emma: Fine. Regina we were spying on you.

Regina: WHAT! Why?!

Neal: Your chair is rigged, if you get up from it, you'll be soaked with a bucket of water and a pie to the face.

Regina: You two. I'm going to rearrange your organs! If I were you, I'd RUN.

Emma: Neal...run!

Neal: Already down the street!

Emma: What?! You left me?!

Neal: Every man for himself Emma, you know the code.

Regina: Miss Swan, I suggest you find a better use for your free time before you're permanently placed in the hospital. This is your first and last warning. Don't do anything like this again. Understand?

Emma: You're gonna snitch, aren't you?

Regina: You bet your ass I am. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to resume my date. Goodnight.

Emma: Shit...

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Neal &amp; Emma<strong>_

Neal: Emma, are you mad?

Emma: ...What do you think?

Neal: Yes?

Emma: DING DING! Correct. -_-

Neal: I'm sorry, Regina scares me

Emma: You have GOT to be kidding me. The woman is all bark and no bite! And you left me there all alone!

Neal: She's still scary. When her vein in her forehead starts bulging, scares the crap outta me. You never know if she'll explode.

Emma: Yeah...I guess you're right. That thing is scary.

Neal: I shouldn't have left you and I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you. Lunch at Granny's?

Emma: I would love to. But I have a feeling neither one of us will be going anywhere anytime soon.

Neal: Is she snitching?!

Emma: ...Yep. Uh oh, gotta go. My parental units are here and they don't sound too happy.

Neal: Good lu- Oh no. Papa...

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Hook &amp; Neal &amp; Emma<strong>_

Hook: Guys...

Neal: What's up Hook?

Emma: Why are you texting me at 2am?!

Hook: I think you'll want to come see this.

Emma: What is it?! My pillow is quite comfortable right now.

Neal: I'm coming.

Emma: Ugh. I'm not moving, you two just describe it to me.

Hook: Alright...as you wish love. Oh, Neal's here.

Emma: Good. Now what is it?

Neal: Oh no. Oh God Emma. You aren't going to believe this.

Emma: If one of you doesn't tell me what the hell is going on right now, I'm going back to sleep and ignoring you both.

Hook: There's a picture...Blown up to fit a billboard.

Neal: Emma, it's you and Regina

Emma: ME AND REGINA DOING WHAT?!

Hook: I'd rather not say. This is quite the awkward situation.

Neal: Omfg dude, this is going on Instagram.

Emma: I will BREAK ALL YOUR FINGERS IF YOU POST THAT! What the hell are we doing in this picture?!

Neal: Making out in your underwear.

Emma: WHAT?! I CAN'T BREATHE...

Hook: I can't either, laughing too much!

Emma: I'm going to have a heart attack. WHO PUT THAT UP THERE?!

Neal: Someone who doesn't like you or Regina. You might want to come see if you can get it down.

Emma: Regina...-_- This isn't over damnit. I'll be there in a few minutes.

Hook: Better hurry love. You know people start moving around in a few hours and soon the whole town will see.

Neal: I want to meet the person who did this. They are a genius.

Emma: Choke on air...

Hook: But wait, is it real?

Emma: You did not just ask me that dumb ass question...

Hook: I'll take that as a no then.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Emma & Regina**_

Emma: REGINA! GET UP!

Regina: Miss Swan it is 5 in the morning. What the hell do you want?

Emma: Look out of your window.

Regina: And why should I do that?

Emma: Your picture is on a billboard.

Regina: WHAT?!

Emma:Just get your ass up and see for yourself.

Regina: IS THAT US?!

Emma: From the looks of it, yep.

Regina: KISSING?!

Emma: YES CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!

Regina: IN OUR UNDERWEAR?!

Emma: Regina...So I take it you knew nothing about this?

Regina: OF COURSE NOT! Why the hell would I allow something like this to be broadcasted.

Emma: Well you obviously have someone who you've pissed off.

Regina: They must be pissed at you too. And they got the picture all wrong, my underwear is always a shade of red or black, not purple.

Emma: That's too much information Madame Mayor

Regina: Oh please, we're both adults here. Moving on, please get rid of the picture before our son sees it.

Emma: Not to worry, I have Hook and Neal here to help.

Regina: Oh those two imbeciles aren't capable of tying their own shoes, let alone get rid of something this important.

Emma: You're more than welcome to do this yourself then.

Regina: No, you three handle it, I have more important things to do, like sleep.

Emma: Right. I'm missing out on sleep because you pissed someone off and they took revenge on us both.

Regina: Goodnight Miss Swan. And if anyone sees that, you don't want to know what I will do.

Emma: Oooo shaking in my boots and leather jacket.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Robin &amp; Regina<strong>_

Robin: Good morning beautiful

Regina: And a good morning to you too handsome

Robin: Quick question sweetie

Regina: Yes dear?

Robin: Is that a picture of you and Emma on that billboard?

Regina: Excuse me?!

Robin: I don't mean any harm. It's just that it looks a lot like you except I know you like red and black more than purple

Regina: THAT BILLBOARD IS STILL UP?!

Robin: Yeah...I'm looking at it right now. Hook and Neal are trying to get it down and Emma's guiding them but it looks like they are struggling. I'll go help.

Regina: No need. Just step back.

Robin: Wh-...did you feel that random earthquake? Hey! The billboard is on fire!

Regina: Nope and good.

Robin: It literally just happened 30 seconds ago

Regina: Guess I was too busy doing something else

Robin: You caused it didn't you?

Regina: Maybe. Maybe not.

Robin: You're so sexy when you're mad.

Regina: Why don't you come over and I make us some breakfast

Robin: That sounds nice. Be over in 10

Regina: See you then. And let the three stooges know I will be talking to them later.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Cora &amp; Hook<strong>_

Cora: Captain?

Hook: Aye?

Cora: Have you heard about this billboard scandal?

Hook: I have. Neal and I were trying to take it down but Regina destroyed it. Robin told me she is pissed.

Cora: I need to tell you something, Captain to Captain...

Hook: I didn't know you had a ship.

Cora: I do! The S.S SwanQueen, it's HUGE

Hook: Interesting. Well what is it that you have to tell me?

Cora: I know who put up the billboard.

Hook: Who?

Cora: My first mate and I.

Hook: Who's your first mate?

Cora: My grandson Henry, who else.

Hook: Besides the fact that your prank was AMAZING, why'd you do it?

Cora: BECAUSE THAT THIEF IS BLOWING HOLES IN MY SHIP!

Hook: You mean Robin?

Cora: Yes! That damn outlaw! So Henry and I have devised a plan. You're more than welcome to join in.

Hook: I do think I will.

Cora: Welcome aboard Captain! We're having a meeting later tonight at Granny's Diner, be there at 7.

Hook: See you then Captain!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Snow &amp; Emma &amp; Regina<strong>_

Snow: EMMA MARIE SWAN!

Regina: If you're yelling for Emma, why am I getting the text?

Snow: BECAUSE! You were in that picture with my daughter!

Emma: Mom stop...

Regina: Snow, you don't know what you are talking about.

Snow: No! I will not stop! What the hell were you two thinking?!

Emma: Mom...

Snow: I mean, what if Henry saw it!?

Regina: Emma, remind me to change my number.

Emma: Will do.

Snow: I AM TALKING TO YOU TWO!

Emma: IT WAS NOT REAL!

Regina: Idiot.

Snow: Really?

Regina: Duh.

Emma: It was photoshopped. We're trying to find the person who did it.

Snow: Oh...sorry. You should've said that in the first place!

Emma: We tried but you insisted that you knew what was going on.

Regina: Snow, you could drive a person mad sometimes. I almost need some rum after that.

Snow: I apologize. Just trying to protect my only daughter.

Emma: That's nice mom but I'm a big girl now.

Regina: And if I were to pose in a picture with your daughter like that, she definitely wouldn't have anything on.

Snow: WHAT?!

Emma: Nice work Regina, now she's calling me. What did I ever do to you?

Regina: Ha! Enjoy talking to your mother dear. And that's payback, don't worry, there's more coming.

Emma: Sometimes I wonder why I left Boston...

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Hook &amp; Neal<strong>_

Hook: Mate, did you know Henry and Cora were behind the billboard idea?

Neal: Really? What the hell? Why?

Hook: SwanQueen...

Neal: SwanQueen?

Hook: Aye

Neal: The hell is that?

Hook: It's the name of Emma and Regina's ship.

Neal: I didn't know Emma had a ship.

Hook: Work with me mate! The name of their relationship! Like mine and hers is CaptainSwan. Your ship with her is SwanThief or SwanFire. Whichever you prefer.

Neal: OOOOHHH! I got you. So Henry is a part of this ship?

Hook: Indeed. He's the first mate. Cora's the captain and I'm a proud crew member now.

Neal: Hook...what about CaptainSwan?

Hook: Oh don't you worry, like the Jolly Roger, CaptainSwan will forever sail even if I'm not on it.

Neal: But wait, does that mean Henry doesn't want me around?

Hook: Doubt it. I just think he sees more love between his mothers than between his mother and father.

Neal: Well if Henry ships it then I ship it.

Cora: WELCOME ABOARD!

Hook: How the hell?!

Cora: Anytime my ship is mentioned, I'm immediately notified.

Neal: You can do all that but you burn a microwave?

Cora: Minor technicality! Anyway! No sassing the captain! Have your ass at the meeting or you WALK THE PLANK!

Hook: She's serious too mate.

Neal: FINE! I'll be there.

Cora: Good! See you gentlemen later.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Charming & Emma**_

Charming: Emma!

Emma: Dad?

Charming: Are you okay?!

Emma: Yeah, I'm fine. Why?

Charming: Your mother said something about you and Regina and dying. She wasn't making any sense.

Emma: Dad...don't even worry about it.

Charming: At least tell me what she is talking about.

Emma: The SwanQueen billboard

Charming: Oh you mean...Riiight...I'll handle your mother

Emma: I knew you would.

Charming: Anything for my princess. Just don't provoke your mother. Trust me, when she's mad, it's not pretty.

Emma: Guess I get my temper from her then, huh?

Charming: Indeed you do. You're so much like your mother.

Emma: I think I'm like you too.

Charming: Yes you are, our little girl.

Emma: ALRIGHT ENOUGH MUSHY STUFF

Charming: Just in time too, your mother is calling.

Emma: Saved by the bell.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Cora &amp; Regina<strong>_

Cora: Hello love...

Regina: Mother? Where have you been? We haven't seen you for days.

Cora: I've been around. I had some business to handle.

Regina: Business? Like what?

Cora: Damn girl, why are you in my business? Don't worry about all that.

Regina: MOTHER...I don't have time for your games.

Cora: This is not a game! Our ship is real and it sails!

Regina: What the hell are you talking about? You don't have a ship.

Cora: Oh yes I do and I'm the captain. AND YOU SHALL ADRESS ME AS SUCH!

Regina: Mother you are speaking in riddles. Please, explain.

Cora: In time you will know all the answers you seek. Until then, watch for me in the distance and I promise when the sun sets, you'll see me.

Regina: Are you high?

Cora: No but I am a little tipsy. But that's beside the point! Just watch the damn sunset!

Regina: I'm going to research mental institutions if you don't get your act together.

Cora: *insert middle finger emoji here* Try it, I dare you. Something you hold dear will disappear.

Regina: UGH! Mother why do you insist on treating me this way?!

Cora: Everything I do is so that you can be with your match made in Heaven. Trust me.

Regina: Oh you mean Robin?

Cora: I wish you could see my blank stare right now. NO! Come to Granny's tonight and the truth will be revealed.

Regina: Fine! But after this I am done playing your silly little games Mother.

Cora: That's fine. Just don't do the forehead bulging vein thing tonight. You'll scare people away.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Belle &amp; Rumple<strong>_

Belle: Love?

Rumple: Yes my sweet?

Belle: I was cleaning the bookshelf when I found something that reminded me of you.

Rumple: Oh really? What was it?

Belle: A book about how to fix broken dishes. Our chipped cup. It made me smile.

Rumple: Oh I see. Well if I wasn't smiling before, I definitely am now.

Belle: Because of the cup?

Rumple: Because of what the cup symbolizes, our love.

Belle: I love you Rumple.

Rumple: And I love you too Belle. More than you can imagine.

Belle: I want to spend eternity with you.

Rumple: I think I can arrange that.

Belle: What do you mean?

Rumple: Marry me Belle? Of course I know this isn't the best proposal in the world and if you say yes, I'll make sure to recreate the moment and make it perfect.

Belle: Are you kidding me?! YES! Of course! A million times yes!

Rumple: OH BELLE! You have made me the happiest man alive!

Belle: And I'm the happiest and luckiest woman in the world. I can't wait for you to come home!

Rumple: I'll be there in 5 minutes, just let me close the shop.

Belle: See you then.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Emma &amp; Henry &amp; Regina<strong>_

Emma: Kid...

Henry: Yeah?

Emma: Your mom and I need to talk to you.

Henry: About what?

Regina: DID YOU HELP PUT THAT BILLBOARD UP?!

Emma: Damn Regina, way to be subtle.

Regina: You know I'm not one to sugar coat things and he needs to know this is not a game!

Emma: Right, anyway. Kid, answer the question.

Henry: I plead the 5th!

Regina: OH NO YOU DON'T! YOU DON'T PLEAD ANYTHING! HENRY CHRISTOPHER MILLS!

Emma: KID! You had something to do with that?!

Henry: Still pleading the 5th. I have that right as a human.

Emma: I GAVE YOU LIFE! YOU WOULD HAVE NOTHING WITHOUT ME SO EXPLAIN YOURSELF!

Regina: I SWEAR YOU WON'T SEE A SINGLE GRAIN OF SUGAR FOR A YEAR!

Henry: You can punish me ALL YOU WANT but SwanQueen sails on! VIVIA LA SWANQUEEN!

Emma: What the hell is he talking about?!

Regina: I don't know but I have a feeling this has something to do with my mother. Meet me in 5 minutes at Granny's.

Emma: Alright. Can I bring vodka?

Regina: Please do.

Emma: WOOO!


	8. Chapter 8

_**Cora & Robin**_

Cora: Sir Hood?

Robin: Yes? Who is this?

Cora: This is someone with whom you need to speak to.

Robin: Okay. What about?

Cora: Your relationship with Regina.

Robin: Regina? She and I get along quite well. Is there an issue?

Cora: Yes there is.

Robin: Well what is it then?

Cora: You are blowing holes in my ship! BACK OFF!

Robin: What the hell are you talking about?

Cora: Regina belongs with Emma, THAT is her true love!

Robin: Excuse me? Don't those two despise each other?

Cora: THAT IS THE POINT! If they got along perfectly, there wouldn't be any make up sex. Their arguing is what sparks the passion in a relationship. Plus, have you not noticed the eye sex between them? Look! I'm sure you're a nice young man but I suggest you find someone else to love and help raise your cute little son.

Robin: Right, well how about we let Regina choose, because I want to be with her and I'm sure she feels the same.

Cora: Son, hear me when I say this; You do not want to mess with my armada. WE WILL SINK YOUR TINY TUGBOAT.

Robin: I can assure you my ship is not the size of a tugboat.

Cora: Compared to my cruise ship it is.

Robin: WHO IS THIS?!

Cora: Everyone and no one. I will be keeping an eye on you Sir Hood.

Robin: And I'll have my bow and arrow at all times.

Cora: Feisty, but not feisty enough.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Charming and Snow<strong>_

Charming: Snow, have you calmed down?

Snow: Of course, I was never mad in the first place?

Charming: Are you sure? I know how much you all's relationship meant to you.

Snow: It's okay, I've come to accept what has happened.

Charming: Would you like me to bring you some ice cream?

Snow: And pickles.

Charming: Pick- Right, pickles it is, dear.

Snow: Thank you my love.

Charming: Anything for my wife and our little one.

Snow: And let's not mention her anymore, she's gone and I'm okay with that.

Charming: If that's what you want.

Snow: It is. Mrs. Featherbottom is in fishy heaven now.

Charming: Yes she is, and she's having fun swimming all day long.

Snow: I hope to see her again one day.

Charming: I'm sure you will. Alright honey, Emma's here, I have to get back to work.

Snow: Okay. Love you. And tell our daughter I love her too and that she isn't off the hook yet.

Charming: Will do. Love you, get some rest.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Neal and Emma<strong>_

Neal: VIVA LA SWANQUEEN!

Emma: Neal, what the hell are you talking about?

Neal: Sorry, I have to open every conversation with that.

Emma: Why?

Neal: Captain's orders.

Cora: Good job Private!

Emma: I don't have time for this, what do you want?

Neal: Oh right! Almost forgot, are you busy tonight?

Emma: Why?

Neal: Just answer the question woman.

Emma: No.

Neal: Meet me at the clock tower at 8:30.

Emma: I swear to God if this is some stunt, I will kick your ass.

Neal: EMMA WILL YOU JUST TRUST ME FOR ONCE!

Emma: ...Fine.

Neal: Thank you! Sheesh. See you then cupcake.

Cora: You have learned well, young grasshopper.

Emma: I'm not even going to question how the hell Cora is texting us.

Neal: It's best you don't.

Emma: Yeah, I learned that a long time ago. Oh and DON'T CALL ME CUPCAKE!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Henry and Cora<strong>_

Henry: Nana, everything is set up perfectly.

Cora: Excellent work First Mate!

Henry: Thank you Captain.

Cora: Now all we need to do is talk to your other stubborn mother.

Henry: I can tell her that my teacher wants to meet with her.

Cora: Hmm, that might work.

Henry: Trust me, I can make it sound convincing.

Cora: That's my boy!

Henry: I learned well.

Cora: Yes you did, I'm so excited to see our plan work!

Henry: Do you think there will be fireworks?

Cora: When?

Henry: When they have true love's kiss.

Cora: No reason why there shouldn't be fireworks. But just in case if there aren't, I'll make some.

Henry: Yay! Then we can party!

Cora: A SwanQueen party sounds like just the thing! I'll let the crew know. I'm very proud of you Henry, you did good kid, you did good.

Henry: Happy to help, Nana!


	9. Chapter 9

_**Henry & Regina**_

Henry: Mom there's someone at the door.

Regina: Then why don't you answer it?

Henry: I can't.

Regina: Why?

Henry: I'm doing my homework.

Regina: Right...Since when?

Henry: ...JUST ANSWER THE DOOR!

Regina: Excuse me?!

Henry: Oh uhm, I think I was just possessed by a ghost just then...What just happened?

Regina: Between you, your grandparents and two baboon parents, I am developing multiple migraines...Henry Christopher Mills, I am only going to warn you once and just this once because I don't have then energy to chastise you right now, IF YOU EVER YELL AT ME OR DEMAND ME TO DO SOMETHING, YOU WILL HAVE 3 SHOES! TWO ON YOUR FEET AND ONE WHERE THE SUN DOES NOT SHINE! UNDERSTOOD?!

Henry: Where the sun doesn't shine?

Regina: That isn't the point! The point is you will respect me as your mother. Is that clear?!

Henry: Yes m'am

Regina: Good.

Henry: Are you going to answer the door? ...Or nah?

Regina: Run...run fast...

Henry: I'm calling Emma!

Regina: She better run too!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Hook &amp; Charming<strong>_

Hook: Ahoy mate!

Charming: Hook?

Hook: What other bloody person do you know that talks like that?

Charming: You're right that was a stupid question. What's up?

Hook: I am requesting something from you.

Charming: What?

Hook: A date with Emma.

Charming: ...DUDE!

Hook: I know we're mates but your daughter lights my fire.

Charming: I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO SET YOU TWO UP FOR MONTHS!

Hook: I lo- wait you have?!

Charming: Yes! Of course you can date her. Just as soon as you sign a contract.

Hook: A contract? I'm not buying a house, mate.

Charming: Joke all you want but to date her, I need your signature.

Hook: What is the contract about?

Charming: That if you hurt my daughter, you have given me permission to kick your ass.

Hook: ...

Charming: Well?

Hook: After a long talk with me, myself and my floor, we decided to sign the contract.

Charming: Wonderful! Come by my house in an hour.

Hook: Just don't do anything to the face area.

Charming: I'm not making any promises...

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Snow, Emma &amp; Charming<strong>_

Snow: Emma dear, are you busy?

Emma: No, just on my lunch break.

Charming: We wanted to ask you something...

Emma: Okaaaay...What is it?

Snow: Can we use your baby blanket?

Emma: For what?

Charming: The baby...

Snow: It's just temporary, until Granny finishes the new one.

Emma: But...it has my name on it. And it's old and stuff. I'll buy a new one for him.

Snow: Since he's magical too, we figured your blanket would be the safest to swaddle him in.

Charming: And we'll wash it.

Emma: ...No

Charming: What?

Snow: Why?

Emma: Because it's mine and that's not fair.

Snow: Explain what you mean by not fair.

Emma: For 28 years that's all I had to remember you by, to remind myself that I had parents. And that kid gets to grow up with the both of you and you want me to give up the only thing I cherish.

Charming: Sweetheart it's just a blanket, we're here now and we are never leaving you again. You're going to have to learn to share.

Emma: Bullshit. And it's what the blanket represents!

Snow: Emma!

Charming: Don't make me wash your mouth out with soap.

Snow: It's okay to feel this way honey but don't dwell on stuff like this or you will end up like Zelena.

Emma: ...

Charming: But greener.

Emma: I'll go buy the little angel a blanket right now.

Snow: Thank you sweetheart. And we're sorry for asking for your blanket, we should've known better.

Charming: Yes, we were wrong about that but this is your little brother and you will have to learn to share.

Emma: Yeah, I know. This is just going to take some getting used to.

Snow: We could all go to a therapy session with Archie.

Charming: That's actually a good idea.

Emma: Wine is my therapist.

Charming: We're going! End of discussion.

Emma: You guys realize I'm grown right?

Snow: And we're still your parents that you're too jealous to share. Don't think we don't notice.

Emma: Ugh fine! Don't expect me to hold back though. Y'all have ruined my brain, can't even eat tacos anymore.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Regina &amp; Robin<strong>_

Regina: How's my favorite thief?

Robin: Fine. I just put Roland down for a nap and Henry was so tired he fell asleep too. And how's my favorite queen?

Regina: I'm fine now that I'm talking to you. Thank you again for spending time with him, he really enjoys it.

Robin: It's no problem, I enjoy it too. He's a bright, adventurous young man. Reminds me of myself when I was his age.

Regina: I'm glad you two get along so well. I think he looks up to you.

Robin: Aww well I'm honored. Roland has really latched onto you as well.

Regina: That little cutie, I enjoy spending time with all my handsome men.

Robin: Speaking of spending time with your handsome man, we still on for our date tonight?

Regina: Wouldn't miss it for the world.

Robin: Good. But I must admit, someone has been texting me random stuff.

Regina: What have they been saying?

Robin: That Emma is your true love...

Regina: ...Mother. I am SO sorry, that is my mother. She has this whacked out idea that Emma and I are meant to be together. The next time she texts you, just ignore it. I'll handle her when I get home.

Robin: It seems like half the town is obsessed with SwanQueen.

Cora: VIVA LA SWANQUEEN MY NAVY BOAT WILL NEVER SINK! OUTLAWQUEEN MAY BE BIG BUT IT IS LIKE THE TITANIC, IT WILL SINK!

Regina: MOTHER I SWEAR ON YOUR COLD, LIFELESS HEART IF YOU DO NOT STOP SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN!

Robin: This is so awkward.

Cora: You have NO RIGHT dating a damn thief who lives in the woods. You want to smell like pinecones all the time Regina? Is that it? Are you punishing me by doing this? Hm?!

Regina: Mother I love him!

Robin: You do?

Regina: ...Yes

Robin: Oh thank heavens! I love you too!

Cora: I'm going to be sick. THIS IS NOT OVER, THIS WILL NOT PREVAIL!

Regina: Oh Robin!

Robin: We'll discuss this some more later tonight okay?

Regina: Okay, can't wait dear.

Cora: I hope Zelena kisses him...

Regina: MOTHER!


	10. Chapter 10

_**Zelena & Cora**_

Zelena: Mother!

Cora: Aw hell. How did you get my number?!

Zelena: That's not important. We need to talk.

Cora: Uh, it is important since it's my number. And about what?

Zelena: Me. Us. Our past.

Cora: Zelena...I gave you up. There is no past to speak of.

Zelena: At least tell me who my father is.

Cora: I can't.

Zelena: Why?

Cora: Don't know who he is.

Zelena: ...

Cora: I told you that we shouldn't speak of the past.

Zelena: Still, I will make you love me.

Cora: HA! HAHA! HAHAHA! I finally have my heart back and barely love Regina's sassy ass. What makes you think that I'll love you and I gave you away soon after you were born?

Zelena: You just wait and see! You will love me! And it'll be more than you love that brat of a sister I have.

Cora: That'll be the day when pigs fly.

Zelena: Then get ready for bacon to fall from the sky.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Henry &amp; Neal<strong>_

Henry: Dad?

Neal: Yeah buddy?

Henry: I need your help.

Neal: What's wrong?

Henry: I'm frozen...

Neal: Frozen? LET IT GOOOOO CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMOOOOREE!

Henry: DAD! NOT THAT FROZEN. I'm literally frozen, I can't move!

Neal: Then how are you texting me?

Henry: Someone else is doing it for me...

Neal: Then why can't they help you?

Henry: Because she doesn't have magic.

Neal: Oooo, does Hen Hen have a girlfriend? And is that the reason you're frozen?

Henry: I'm not going to answer that question for multiple reasons. And yes, mom came home and saw her and froze me and told me to think about what I did.

Neal: Your mom as in Regina right?

Henry: Yes.

Neal: Can't help you.

Henry: Wha?! WHY?!

Neal: YOUR MOTHER IS SCARY! Hell both of them are but Regina scares me more.

Henry: Dad...grow a pair.

Neal: If I didn't have a pair you wouldn't be here.

Henry: Uhm, Henry is throwing up. I better let his mom know. Nice talking to you.

Neal: Oh he'll be okay. Nice chatting with you too! Can't wait to meet you.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Regina &amp; Emma<strong>_

Regina: EMMA!

Emma: The hell? What is it Regina?

Regina: I caught Henry kissing some girl in my living room!

Emma: Damn, didn't know the kid had it in him.

Regina: Excuse me?!

Emma: What I meant was, really? That just doesn't seem like him at all. What did you do?

Regina: I froze him.

Emma: Like ice frozen or he just can't move?

Regina: He just can't move.

Emma: Are you with him now?

Regina: No I left.

Emma: Did you make the girl go home?

Regina: ...SHIT!

Emma: WAIT!

Regina: WHAT?!

Emma: Who is she?

Regina: I DON'T KNOW WHO THE LITTLE BRAT IS BUT SHE'LL BE A PILE OF DUST WHEN I AM THROUGH!

Emma: Regina you can't go threatening other people's kids.

Regina: Watch me!

Cora: YOU LEAVE LITTLE ERIN ALONE!

Emma: I should've know you had something to do with this Cora.

Regina: YOU set them up?!

Cora: Indeed I did. At least ONE of my offspring decided to listen to my dating advice!

Emma: Cora your advice got Henry in trouble. He was kissing Erin and Regina walked in on them.

Cora: My grandson's a playa, can't get mad at him for having game.

Emma: TRUE! That's my boy!

Regina: EXCUSE ME!

Cora: Yes Madame Sass?

Regina: Are you two forgetting that Henry is just 13 and there are girls who get pregnant at 12 and 13?

Emma: ...FREEZE HIM UNTIL HE IS 30!

Cora: Oh shit. Well IT'S YOUR JOB TO MAKE SURE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN!

Regina: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM DOING?!

Emma: I'm just going to go watch Adventure Time and eat cookies. Let me know how everything turns out.

Cora: Got you blondie. Queen Sassy, you do whatever you have to with Henry but do not touch Erin because she is the granddaughter of my special friend and if you ruin that relationship for me I will turn all your apples green and make Zelena babysit you.

Regina: ...You have thirty minutes to get that fast tail ass little girl out of my house.

Cora: Love you too dear.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Hook &amp; Neal<strong>_

Hook: Mate!

Neal: What's up Hookie?

Hook: Yeah, only women can call me that. And meet me at Granny's right now!

Neal: What's going on?!

Hook: Cora has called an emergency meeting. It's about to be a fight.

Neal: Oh shit, who is fighting?

Hook: She didn't say. She just said all members of the S.S. SwanQueen needed to be at Granny's or else you have to walk the plank.

Neal: We better get down there then. I wonder who is fighting, I'm recording it.

Hook: I was thinking the same thing!

Neal: Dude...! Ay guess what.

Hook: What?

Neal: My son has a girlfriend now.

Hook: That little spitfire, didn't know he had it in him. You must be proud.

Neal: I'm so proud I'm buying him a sports car next week!

Hook: Sounds like fun, mind if I tag along?

Neal: Sure! MALE BONDING TIME!

Hook: I'm bringing the brownies!

Neal: YUS! But none for Henry.

Hook: No of course not! We'll give him regular brownies.

Neal: Perfect! See you at the meeting.

Hook: Aye! Viva la SwanQueen!

Neal: Viva la SwanQueen!


	11. Chapter 11

**_Emma & Neal_**

Emma: NEAL!

Neal: Yes?

Emma: WHAT DID YOU DO TO HENRY?!

Neal: I didn't do anything to him except give him brownies while we were out car shopping.

Emma: CAR SHOPPING?!…..Neal, Henry is high.

Neal: …Oh no…

Emma: OH YES

Neal: Hook must've given him the wrong brownie.

Emma: Hook?! I SHOULD HANG YOU BOTH FROM MEAT HOOKS!

Neal: NO PLEASE! It was a mistake, I'm sorry!

Emma: Neal…I can't help you because Regina knows and she's told both our parents. We're all in trouble.

Neal: OH MY GOSH I AM DEAD. My father is going to KILL ME.

Emma: You might want to hide somewhere, Henry and I are leaving.

Neal: Take me with yoooouuu!

Emma: Fine, pack a bag. YOU HAVE TEN MINUTES.

Neal: Thank you so much cupcake!

Emma: Don't make me regret this.

* * *

><p><span><strong><em>Regina, Emma, The Two Buffoons &amp; The Parents<em>**

Regina: Before we start this little conference, I am going to try my best not to yell...

Cora: That's good. We don't need that vein popping out of your head.

Emma: Who starts?

Snow: I think Hook and Neal should explain themselves.

Charming: Yeah. And Emma, you better not have anything to do with this. Wait, where are you?

Emma: I am in an undisclosed location with Neal and Henry.

Regina: YOU HAVE HENRY?!

Rumple: So much for not yelling. What exactly did my son do?

Neal: I didn't do ANYTHING!

Hook: I'm just going to watch...

Belle: Hook! You and Neal come clean right now and tell us what happened!

Snow: And Emma you better not be eating any sugar! You are still on punishment!

Emma: ...Does a donut count?

Snow: How does wearing ball gowns sound?

Emma: Carrots! Eating lots of carrots.

Regina: ENOUGH! EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED TO HENRY!

Cora: Yeah you two, get to talking.

Neal: We're sorry!

Hook: Aye, the lad ate the wrong brownie.

Rumple: BAE! YOU ARE ABUSING WEED?! YOU COME HOME THIS INSTANT!

Neal: I'm scared...

Belle: Neal, do as your father said and come home.

Hook: Poor lad...

Regina: Oh don't you worry about him. You come over to my house Hook.

Hook: Oh no, that's quite alright. I'm just going to uh, stay right where I am.

Cora: YOU GET YOUR PIRATE ASS OVER HERE NOW! You are in so much trouble! Poisoning my first mate! I am going to kick your ass.

Emma: Damn, this sounds so heartbreaking.

Charming: Oh Emma, you can come on home as well. *evil grin*

Emma: Hell no.

Snow: Bring your butt home this instant young lady!

Emma: NO WAY.

Charming: Don't make me have Regina poof you home.

Regina: Because I will gladly do it.

Emma: Neal's crying on my shoulder though.

Rumple: He'll live. He's going to be crying when I am done with him.

Cora: So is Hook.

Charming: You'll be crying too Emma.

Emma: WHAT DID I DO?!

Snow: Oh you know exactly what you did! Does yesterday ring any bells?

Emma: ...It was an accident...

Charming: I highly doubt someone accidentally eats a whole bag of cookies and hides the evidence.

Emma: They were SO good.

Snow: Mhm...well I hope they were worth it. Now do as your father said and come home. Drop Neal off on the way and take Henry to Regina.

Regina: I almost forgot, Henry isn't even supposed to have sweets so he's in just as much trouble as soon as he comes down from that high.

Cora: HOOK! HURRY UP!

Hook: ...Aye Captain.

Belle: Neal, we are very disappointed in you.

Charming: Emma, I don't know what has gotten into you but this behavior will cease after today, do you understand?

Neal: I'm sorry...

Emma: Yes sir.

Henry: I'm not feeling any love in this chat. BUT IS Y'ALL MAD? OR NAH?

Regina: What did I do to deserve this? Lord help my child...

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>Snow &amp; Cora<span>_**

Snow: Cora have you seen Emma?

Cora: Blondie? Nah. I thought she came home after dropping Henry off?

Snow: She was supposed to. Oh she is in so much trouble now.

Cora: Uh oh. Wouldn't want to be in her shoes right now.

Snow: You're quite right. On another note, what did you do to Hook? I'm in need of ideas.

Cora: Who knew you'd grow into a badass, I'm proud. And as for Hook, I beat him with a sock full of butter. And he can't wear his hook for two weeks.

Snow: Thanks. And damn Sam, a sock full of butter? Been watching too much iCarly and Sam & Cat lately?

Cora: Possibly. And he'll be okay, he just has to lay on his stomach to sleep. I can't tolerate disfunction between my crew members. Not acceptable.

Snow: You just gave me an idea! You're the best Cora! Thank you, I'll talk to you later. I need to go tell Charming.

Cora: You're welcome dear. I know I am. Have fun, kiss the baby for me!

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>Neal, Emma &amp; Hook<span>_**

Neal: Guys...

Emma: What?

Hook: Aye, I can't type much, it hurts.

Emma: What did they do to you guys?

Neal: Papa locked me in the Room of Darkness.

Hook: Cora beat me with a bloody sock full of butter.

Neal: Seriously Hook? Dude I'm so sorry.

Hook: Don't worry mate, she said you're next as soon as she sees you.

Neal: ...I'm going to cry.

Hook: I cried. Emma, what did they do to you?

Emma: Nothing...

Neal: Pardon?

Emma: I never went home.

Hook: Lass your parents aren't happy. I just heard Cora tell Regina that they've come up with a special punishment.

Emma: Oh hell no. I'm going back to Boston.

Neal: Emma just go home. We endured our punishments, hell I still have more to go. Just get the shit over with, you'll live. I promise.

Hook: Regina's in on the punishment!

Neal: RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Emma: GODDAMNIT. She'll be able to find me no matter where I go. Shit...

Hook: Don't leave a trail. Leave the country if you have to. Lass she's laughing, it's something horri-

Neal: Hook?

Emma: HOOK!

Neal: Emma, they got Hook...I'm even more scared now than I was before.

Emma: Maybe he just fell asleep...

Neal: I hear Regina talking Emma...Tell Henry I lo-

Emma: NEAL?!

Emma: Neal please! Hook? Anyone?

Regina: Hello Ms. Swan.

Emma: No God please no.

Regina: Oh yes. Your parents have asked that I bring you home. Now we can do this the easy way or the hard way. The choice is yours.

Emma: I didn't mean it. Please, I'm sorry for everything. I didn't know that was your favorite vase!

Regina: Vase? MY VASE BY THE- No. No yelling. So you've chosen the hard way. Very well. See you soon dear.

Emma: REGINA NO!

Emma: Can I cry now?

Cora: That would probably help ease your pain...


	12. Chapter 12

**_Henry & Emma_**

Henry: Mom!

Emma: Kid?! Are you okay?

Henry: I'm not sure. Where are you?

Emma: I'm headed to Boston, why?

Henry: Can you take me with you?

Emma: Henry, it would be a big risk if I came to get you...

Henry: Please mom. I hear laughing in the background, I'm scared!

Emma: Ugh fine! Be waiting outside when I get there.

Henry: Wait no! Abort! She's co-

Emma: HENRY! Not you too!

Cora: Blondie...you're up shit creek.

Emma: Tell me something I don't know.

Cora: Regina is on her way. She's been tracking you the whole time you were texting Henry.

Emma: WAIT WHAT! Shit!

Cora: Oh yeah. I suggest you get your affairs in order. I'll deliver your eulogy at your funeral. I'll fall all over the casket as well, I'll be as dramatic as possible.

Emma: You're SUCH a big help Cora, thank you.

Cora: You're welcome dear!

Emma: I was being sarcastic...

Cora: That's why she's behind you.

Emma: DON'T DO THAT! I'm paranoid enough as it is!

Cora: Then bring your crazy ass home. And they say I'm the insane one.

Emma: Alright fine! I give up! I'm coming home.

Cora: Wise choice but Regina is still coming to get you. As a matter of fact, she should be walking up right now.

Emma: I told you not to- Oh shit. Wai-

Cora: Poor Blondie...

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>Hook &amp; Neal<span>_**

Hook: Neal, mate! Are you okay?!

Neal: I...No.

Hook: What did she do to you?

Neal: I'm hanging upside down on a hook. You?

Hook: I was forced to watch something called My Little Ponies...

Neal: MY LITTLE PONIES! Are you a brony now?

Hook: What kind of bloody question is that?! Of course!

Neal: Bronies for life! Wait I hear Cora.

Hook: She's coming to beat you with the sock full of butter!

Neal: NOO SOMEONE SAVE ME!

Hook: I can't! Now I'm being forced to watch Dora the Explorer!

Neal: Swiper no swiping! Cora not hittin- OW!

Hook: Stay strong mate! You can do it!

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>Cora, Emma, Regina &amp; Snow<span>_**

Cora: Blondie, you recovering alright?

Emma: ...I have nothing to say to any of you.

Regina: Oh Miss Swan don't be like that. I was only doing what I was asked.

Snow: Hopefully you've learned your lesson.

Emma: So making me walk in on you and dad having...I can't even

Cora: THAT WAS YOUR PUNISHMENT?! I think I may die laughing. WOOO!

Regina: Mother, be nice.

Emma: I wish I was blind!

Snow: Hehe...

Regina: I think the role of evil has changed. Snow, that was pretty evil.

Snow: I know! I'm so proud of myself!

Emma: I'm going to go jump off the clock tower.

Cora: Bring me some donuts before you do!

Regina: Miss Swan come by my office and let's have a chat.

Emma: Are you sure that's all we're going to do? This isn't part of a scheme right?

Regina: I promise all we'll do is talk.

Cora: VIVI LA SWANQUEEN!

Emma: Oh geez...

Snow: I'm with the Captain! Viva La SwanQueen!

Regina: YOU TWO SHUT UP! This is NOT WHAT YOU THINK!

Cora: You say what you want, I know in my heart that my ship will sail!

Emma: I'm bringing rum.

Regina: Bring two bottles please.

Emma: You got it sassy pants.

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>Robin &amp; Regina<span>_**

Robin: Hello sweet maiden of mine.

Regina: Hello my prince of the forest.

Robin: I was wondering if I could see you tonight.

Regina: As lovely as that sounds, I'm afraid I just made plans with Emma. She and I need to talk about some things.

Robin: Is everything okay?

Regina: Yes of course. We just need to discuss Henry and living arrangements.

Robin: Alright, perhaps tomorrow then.

Regina: Sounds perfect dear.

Cora: Stop the lies!

Regina: MOTHER GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

Robin: Lies about what?

Cora: She's going on a date with her true love!

Regina: Mother I swear...

Robin: Her true love? Regina is this true?

Regina: Of course not! We are not going on a date nor are we each other's true love. Emma and I are simply family.

Henry: She admitted it! We're family!

Cora: In yo face PINE BOY!

Robin: This is all so confusing.

Regina: HENRY! Damn it! You are in so much trouble I can't even begin to explain what I'm going to do to you! And mother! You just wait and see what I do to you! Robin, trust me when I say I love you.

Cora: Yell at Henry and me all you want but that isn't going to change the fact that Pine Boy has been hanging out with his wife.

Regina: Excuse me?

Robin: How did you know that?!

Henry: We have eyes everywhere chump!

Regina: Henry! Enough! Robin. Explain.

Cora: Yeah chump! Explain!

Robin: Marian and I were just talking things over. I told her how much I loved you and that I moved on. She told me to be happy and take care of our son and then she passed away in my arms. Her heart gave out.

Cora: Must've been the pine cone smell...

Regina: Mother will you shut the hell up?! Robin I am so sorry. Truly sorry.

Robin: You know what you old bat! You have been giving me hell since day one! I love your daughter so build yourself a goddamn bridge and get over it!

Henry: Daaaaaaaamnnn

Cora: What the hell did you just say to me? You must've lost your mind but I'm going to help you find it after I kick your ass.

Regina: STOP!

Robin: Bring it on old woman!

Cora: I got your old!

Regina: I'm pregnant!

Robin: ...Huh?!

Henry: Wtf...

Cora: AW HELL NAW...


	13. Chapter 13

**_Cora & Regina_**

Cora: REGINA!

Regina: Yes?

Cora: Are you seriously pregnant?! Is my grandchild going to be a forest baby? Please don't have my grandchild smelling like pinecones!

Regina: Mother...

Cora: And don't dress it in that putrid mucus green color like him.

Regina: MOTHER!

Cora: WHAT?!

Regina: I am not pregnant.

Cora: REALLY?

Regina: Nope. I wouldn't have a child without getting married first. What kind of woman did you think I was?

Cora: OH MY- I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW! I should beat you with my butter sock for scaring me like that damnit!

Regina: You three wouldn't listen to me! So I said something I knew would get your attention.

Cora: There were other ways to get what you wanted, sassy pants!

Regina: Yeah well, this way was funnier.

Cora: Well jokes on you because the whole town knows now. And prince of the forest is freaking out.

Regina: WHO TOLD THE TOWN?!

Cora: Your little prince.

Regina: Henry?!

Cora: Correct. You might want to handle this as soon as possible.

Regina: HE- I'm going to make him think the punishments he's had before were gifts of luxury. Ooo that child is going to bed the death of me.

Cora: OMG I used to say the same thing about you!

Regina: Now's not the time mother. You just let Robin know it was just a joke. I'm going to go find my little prince...

Cora: Oh shit, Hen Hen better run run.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Emma &amp; Hook<strong>_

Emma: Did you leave another rose outside my door?

Hook: Aye. I figured it would make you smile.

Emma: Thank you Killian, that was very sweet.

Hook: You're quite welcome, love. Sweet is my middle name.

Emma: Oh really? I didn't know you had a middle name.

Hook: There are a lot of things you don't know about me.

Emma: Then tell me everything.

Hook: I'm not that interesting to talk about. I'd rather listen to you.

Emma: Then we'll take turns telling one thing about ourselves. Sound fair?

Hook: Alright. You can go first.

Emma: I have a stuffed duck named Quackers. Your turn.

Hook: How sweet, Swan. I have a pillow shaped like the Jolly Roger.

Emma: You do?! Awww!

Hook: Swan, don't 'aww' a pirate. Bad form. I can't be soft.

Emma: But I like it when you're soft. I like hugging soft things.

Hook: In that case, I'm as soft as a stuffed animal. Hug away.

Emma: You always seem to make me smile.

Hook: It's what I'm here for.

Emma: You sure it isn't because you want to kiss me?

Hook: From the looks of it, I think you want me to kiss you.

Emma: Let's just say I wouldn't push you away.

Hook: Don't toy with a man's emotions...

Emma: I can assure you I'm not.

Hook: Then would you allow me to take you on a date? I already signed the paperwork with your father.

Emma: I would love that. And paperwork?

Hook: You have no idea how happy you have made me! And yes, a contract. You'd do better asking him what the details are.

Emma: I'm just as excited as you are. Will do.

Hook: How does friday night sound?

Emma: Perfect.

Hook: See you then, love.

Emma: See you then, Killian.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Snow &amp; Belle<strong>_

Snow: Hey Belle or should I say Mrs. Gold?

Belle: I'll never get tired of hearing that.

Snow: I know what you mean. How are you?

Belle: I'm okay. I do have a bit of good news.

Snow: You do? Do tell.

Belle: Rumple and I are expecting.

Snow: BELLE! Congratulations!

Belle: Thank you. We're excited.

Snow: Have you told Neal yet?

Belle: Actually, we're a bit nervous to. We don't know how he'll take it.

Snow: Neal's a big boy, I'm sure he'll be happy for you two.

Belle: Remember, he and Hook gave Henry weed brownies.

Snow: Right...Would you like us to talk to him first?

Belle: That would ease the load a bit.

Snow: Perfect. We'll prep him and send him right over. I think he and Emma are out with Hook and Henry.

Belle: Okay. That gives us time to prepare. Thank you so much Snow!

Snow: You're welcome Belle. Always happy to help.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Regina &amp; Henry<strong>_

Regina: Son.

Henry: Uh oh. Mom, I can explain.

Regina: I'm quite sure you can, but I don't want an explanation.

Henry: I'm scared. Mom!

Regina: Emma can't help you.

Emma: Kid, why'd you- Oh crap, Regina's in this chat. What did you do?

Regina: He told everyone in town that I was pregnant.

Emma: Henry! I'm telling your father.

Neal: Hey guys, oh my lord Regina. Why'd you guys bring me in this?! You know I'm afraid of her!

Regina: For once you aren't the one being scolded, goofball.

Emma: Henry went around town telling everyone Regina was pregnant.

Henry: SHE SAID IT FIRST!

Regina: That was to get your attention! You know that I would tell you important information like that to your face, don't even go there.

Neal: Son, you should apologize to your mother.

Emma: Now, kid!

Henry: I'm sorry.

Regina: Henry. Seriously.

Henry: I don't want you to have another kid. I just got you back, I don't want to lose you.

Regina: Henry you'll never lose me again. And if I ever had another child, I'll love you both equally, I promise. But you don't have to worry about that anytime soon. Okay?

Henry: Okay. I really am sorry.

Regina: I know you are son. And that's why part one of your punishment is to go un spread that lie.

Henry: Part one?!

Regina: Oh yes, like onions, this punishment is layered.

Henry: Aw man.

Emma: Get to it kid.

Neal: I'll come help you.

Henry: Thanks dad.

Neal: Just don't let this happen again.

Regina: Thank you both for having my back. As his parents, we all need to stick together.

Emma: I agree. Anytime you need my help, just ask.

Cora: Spinsters...


	14. Chapter 14

_**Rumple, Belle & Neal**_

Rumple: Son, Belle and I have something to tell you.

Neal: What's up guys?

Belle: We're going to have a baby...

Rumple: Now son don't get hysterical.

Neal: A baby? Like, a human baby?

Belle: Yes?

Neal: How is that even- OH EW!

Rumple: Bae, focus! You're going to be a big brother and we're going to need all the help we can get!

Belle: And don't think we'll love you any less.

Neal: Guys, you can relax. I'm happy for you both. Congratulations!

Rumple: Really?

Neal: Really. I'm excited to be a big brother.

Belle: Oh Neal, I'm so relieved.

Rumple: I love you so much son. My first born. Nothing can ever change how much I love you.

Neal: I know Papa, I love you guys. I gotta go meet Emma and Hook for drinks. I'll talk to you later.

Belle: We love you too! Have fun.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Neal &amp; Emma<strong>_

Neal: HELP ME!

Emma: Neal?! What's wrong?!

Neal: My parents...

Emma: What?! What happened?

Neal: They're having a baby!

Emma: Seriously?! I wish you were here right now.

Neal: So you could hug me?

Emma: No! So I could slap you in the FACE! That's a good thing! You should be happy for them.

Neal: But it's so gross! To think they actually had..

Emma: STOP! Stop right there! I have my own issues I'm dealing with! I don't need to be reminded of them!

Neal: Oh that's right, I forgot you walked in on your parents twice. Pretty funny.

Emma: It'll be pretty funny when I kick your ass. Let's see if you laugh at that.

Neal: Love you too Emma.

Emma: Whatever. So are you going to be a good big brother?

Neal: I guess. I mean I am, like 300 years old now. I guess I'm mature enough.

Emma: Doubt it but we'll see. I'll be here to help you.

Neal: You will?

Emma: Of course. You forgot already? I'm a big sister too.

Neal: Right! Little Neal. Aww!

Emma: Don't.

Neal: But the name!

Emma: I'm turning my phone off now.

Neal: See you later cupcake!

Emma: I TOLD YOU ABOUT CALLING ME THAT!

Neal: Tis nothing sweeter than the taste of revenge.

Emma: You're gonna taste the back of my hand in a minute.

Neal: I like 'em feisty.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Zelena &amp; Regina<strong>_

Zelena: Green apples are soothing to the soul.

Regina: 1. How did you get my number? 2. How would you know? You have no soul.

Zelena: I have my ways. And I could say the same about you, dear sister. We're more alike than you think.

Regina: Mother gave it to you, didn't she? And I disagree, we're like fire and ice.

Zelena: Yes...But that isn't the point! And you're thinking of you vs Elsa. I don't carry ice powers.

Regina: I swear that woman loves to drive me CRAZY! Oh right, sorry about that.

Zelena: No worries dear, I'm sure she drives you up the wall a lot.

Regina: A lot? Try multiple times on a daily basis.

Zelena: Oh wow. Maybe you should look into putting her in one of those retirement homes I keep hearing about.

Regina: It's definitely a consideration.

Cora: Both of you spinsters can shove it! Insulting me...You should be ashamed! I'm but a poor old woman waiting for death to arrive.

Regina: He couldn't come soon enough.

Zelena: I am not a damn spinster! You old, saggy tit, crazy woman!

Regina: Oh shit...

Cora: What'd you say froggie?

Zelena: You read correctly!

Regina: I'm just gonna go cook apples or something...

Cora: I will beat you with my butter sock!

Zelena: Do it! It still won't make you a mother!

Cora: I cannot believe you! Insulting me! I could have a damn heart attack from all this stress!

Zelena: YOU HAVE NO HEART! LITERALLY!

Cora: Oh right. STILL! Just because I gave you away doesn't mean I didn't love you Zelena.

Zelena: Really?

Cora: Really. I wanted to keep you but I didn't have the money to take care of you. And when I got into power, I tried looking for you but I didn't have any luck.

Zelena: Then this changes everything. I'm sorry for what I said, mother.

Cora: It's alright dear. You're still better than ol' sassy Regina.

Regina: I saw that!

Zelena: What a lovely family moment.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Snow &amp; Charming<strong>_

Snow: Dear, have you seen Henry?

Charming: No. I thought he was with you.

Snow: Uh oh.

Charming: Snow! What happened?

Snow: He said he was going to come to the station to be with you.

Charming: Well he isn't here.

Snow: We have to find him!

Charming: Before Regina and Emma do!

Snow: I'll meet you in front of Granny's. We can start there.

Charming: Oh God Snow they're going to kill us. Especially Regina.

Snow: I'll make sure you stand in front of me and the baby.

Charming: Uh, how about no?

Snow: You're the man!

Charming: And?! I still value my life. Y'all are quick to say you can save yourselves but then when something bad happens you turn into the damsel in distress. Forget that shit.

Snow: ...You're sleeping on the couch tonight.

Charming: Damnit!


	15. Chapter 15

_**Henry, Neal & Hook**_

Henry: Dad, Hook, I need you guys' help.

Neal: With what?

Hook: Aye, I'm here for you mate.

Henry: Keep my moms away from Granny's...

Neal: Son...you know how I feel about your mothers.

Hook: What's going on at Granny's?

Neal: Who cares what's going on, he wants us to commit suicide!

Henry: I'm having a lunch date with my girlfriend.

Hook: That's a good enough reason. You have my word, I will do the best that I can.

Henry: Thanks Hook!

Neal: Aww Hen Hen has a girlfriend!

Henry: Oh gosh, dad please stop.

Neal: This is such a huge moment! We have to meet her- Oh my God your mothers are going to kill you, then me, then Hook, then me again.

Hook: What the bloody hell would they kill me for?! I'm just helping the lad be sociable.

Neal: Because Henry isn't supposed to have a girlfriend yet.

Henry: That would be the reason why I'm asking you to keep them away from the diner.

Hook: The boy is old enough to talk to women. Do you want him to be a 40 year old virgin?

Neal: That isn't the point! THOSE WOMEN ARE BAT SHIT CRAZY! They will harm us without thinking twice!

Hook: I'm willing to risk it.

Henry: So am I.

Neal: ...Fine! But I want "Awesome Dad" written on my tombstone.

Henry: I'll make sure of it.

Neal: Can't believe I'm about to die so that my son can get to second base with a girl.

Hook: It's our job as men to help each other. Especially the younger generation.

Neal: Shit. No one helped me.

Hook: You were kinda a lost cause by the time we met...

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Emma, Snow &amp; Regina<strong>_

Emma: Mom...

Snow: Oh hey Emma! How's it going?

Regina: Cut the crap! Where's Henry?

Snow: And a good afternoon to you too, Regina.

Emma: Mom, answer the question.

Snow: Why, he's sitting here in the apartment with me of course.

Regina: Then why did Whale tell me Charming came to the hospital to check if Henry was there?

Snow: Goddamn doctor can't mind his own business.

Emma: So he's not there with you then, correct?

Snow: He told me he was going to the Sheriff's Station to be with Charming but he never showed up.

Regina: That boy is slowly driving me crazy, I swear.

Emma: Hold on, I'm standing in front of Granny's and I think I see Henry in there.

Snow: Really?!

Regina: What the hell is he doing there?!

Emma: He's with a girl- Aww they look so cute together.

Regina: A GIRL?! Do I need to remind you about teen pregnancy?

Snow: Whoa, wait a minute. Is Henry having sex?

Emma: Pft no. Our son isn't ready for that yet. Plus they're just holding hands.

Regina: That's how it starts! Then two months from now she'll be knocking on my door talking about she's pregnant and then I'll have to kill her.

Snow: Oh don't say that Regina, that's not nice.

Regina: ...

Emma: Mom, she's serious.

Snow: Emma...grab the boy. Grab him before Regina does something!

Emma: For some reason Neal and Hook are guarding the door and won't let me in!

Regina: That's it! I'm coming down there!

Snow: Poor Henry.

Emma: Poor Henry's girlfriend.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Cora &amp; Henry<strong>_

Cora: Kid, your moms know.

Henry: Crap...Well at least I have my dad and Killian standing guard.

Cora: I'm glad you thought ahead but you didn't think far enough ahead. Both your mothers have magic. They can cloud themselves inside the diner. Or worse, cloud you out.

Henry: ...HELP!

Cora: Ugh fine! But only because your girlfriend is cute. Next time be more secretive!

Henry: I promise! Now please cloud us out to my castle.

Cora: Ooo! Good idea! It's romantic.

Henry: I know, thanks.

Cora: There. Anything else before I continue watching Orange Is The New Black?

Henry: Ew grandma you watch that show?

Cora: Psh, that's my shit! I'd like to think of Emma as Piper and your crazed mother as Alex.

Henry: ...I'm going to resume my date before I lose the contents of my stomach because I'm beginning to get a mental picture of them- Yeah. Officially scarred for life. Thanks.

Cora: Anytime! Holla if you need me! Dueces!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>The Moms vs The Two Stooges<strong>_

Regina: Where is he?!

Neal: Who?

Emma: You know who. Don't play stupid!

Regina: I highly doubt that he's playing.

Hook: I'm not in this.

Emma: Oh yes you are Hook! You two ran off before I could ask. Now where is Henry?

Neal: He was in the diner but the he disappeared.

Hook: Aye, we're just as clueless as you two are.

Regina: Why the hell were you two guarding the door in the first place?

Neal: He wanted us to keep you two from crashing his date.

Emma: Excuse me? I'm the cool parent! I'd never do that.

Regina: Hahaha! And he thought YOU TWO could keep us away? I think I'm gonna piss myself laughing.

Hook: You two do have a tendency to smother the boy. Let him have fun with his little lass. Just this once.

Regina: Uhm, no. I refuse to let my only son get trapped.

Neal: Trapped?

Emma: She means teen pregnancy. I'm the cool mom, right?!

Regina: This is no time to be trying to soothe your ego dear. We need to find our son!

Hook: Your guess is as good as ours.

Neal: I told Henry I didn't want to get involved.

Regina: Too late for that. You two are in just as much trouble as he is.

Emma: I mean, I let the kid stay up playing video games! How am I not cool?!

Regina: Emma, I swear on my lunatic of a mother, if you do not snap out of it, we're going to have another magic lesson!

Hook: Oooo...

Neal: Can we watch?

Emma: ...I despise you all.

Regina: Feeling's mutual dear.

* * *

><p><em><strong>For the record I love OITNB but it isn't suitable for kids to watch, hence the reason why Henry reacted the way he did. <strong>_


	16. Chapter 16

_**Charming & Rumple**_

Charming: Hey, have you seen Henry?

Rumple: Not lately, why? Is something wrong? Did that damned pirate give him weed brownies again?!

Charming: No no, he's just run off with some girl.

Rumple: Oh no…

Charming: What?

Rumple: He's begun dating already. You know how the men of this family are with women.

Charming: Yeah, I know. He's going to suffer through some abuse before he gets the girl.

Rumple: Oh yes. I just hope it isn't too bad. He's still young.

Charming: Maybe we should have a talk with him.

Rumple: Does Regina know he's off with a girl?

Charming: Yes.

Rumple: There is no hope for the boy.

Charming: What do you mean?

Rumple: That evil panda will eat her young.

Charming: She wouldn't hurt Henry…would she?

Rumple: I believe she'd use magic on him, like she's already done.

Charming: You have a point. We better find him before she does.

Rumple: I think I know exactly where he is.

Charming: I'll meet you at your shop then.

Rumple: Hurry!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Cora, Emma &amp; Snow:<strong>_

Cora: Still haven't found Henry yet?

Snow: No. You know where he is, don't you?

Cora: Possibly.

Emma: That's why you didn't add Regina to the group text. Where is he, Cora?!

Cora: Temper blondie. And in due time, you'll find him. Until then, let him enjoy his date.

Emma: He's THIRTEEN! He doesn't need a date, he needs a damn book!

Snow: Well, he had a book and you see what happened when he read it…

Cora: Exactly. Thank you snowflake.

Emma: So you'd prefer him to not enjoy his childhood, because believe it or not he is still a child, than to read or go out and hang with his friends?

Snow: No one is saying he isn't a child. Just that, he should stay away from books awhile until he matures a little bit.

Cora: What if everything in that book wasn't real? Would you think he was mentally stable then? Or would you just call him overly-imaginative? Either way, he needs to find something else to occupy his time. Bottom line: The boy is strange and he takes after your side of the family!

Emma: I guess. I'll talk to him…Hopefully before Regina gets hold of him.

Snow: Excuse you Cora! Our side of the family isn't strange! Your family are the ones who kill because it suits your fancy!

Cora: DAMN STRAIGHT SNOWFLAKE! And I'm feeling the temptation to kill AGAIN so don't tempt me!

Emma: Oh God…I'm just going to go find the kid. You two have fun.

Snow: DO IT! I have an arrow with your name written on it! I'll shoot your ass in 2.5 seconds!

Cora: Don't make me piss myself laughing!

Snow: You'd piss yourself sneezing, old ass bat.

Cora: …You did not…

Snow: Oh but I did.

Cora: You. Are. Dead. Meat.

Snow: Bring it on.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Henry &amp; Erin<strong>_

Henry: I had a lot of fun on my date with you.

Erin: I did too. I'm sad it had to end though.

Henry: Don't worry, we can hang out again this weekend, if you want.

Erin: I would love too!

Henry: Cool. We'll go wherever you want.

Erin: I want to come to your house.

Henry: Okay, I think I can swing that.

Erin: And have dinner with your parents.

Henry: WAIT WHAT

Erin: I want to meet your family.

Henry: No you don't!

Erin: Yes I do! Henry, you don't have to protect me.

Henry: Yes I do! My mom is crazy. And you know I'm not exaggerating!

Erin: I know but maybe if we sit down and talk like normal people, she might actually like me.

Henry: THEY AREN'T NORMAL.

Erin: I'm not changing my mind.

Henry: Alright Erin, if that's what you really want to do, I'll set it up.

Erin: Thank you Henry!

Henry: PLEASE CHANGE YOUR MIND!

Erin: Not happening! See you this weekend!

Henry: Yeah, see you at my funeral.

* * *

><p><span><strong><em>Regina &amp; Belle<em>**

Regina: Bookworm, I need your help.

Belle: You know my name, use it.

Regina: Fine. Belle, I need your help.

Belle: Thank you. Now what is it?

Regina: I need a certain book.

Belle: Alright, what's the title of the book.

Regina: I don't know the title but I need something that will give me advice on how to be open to Henry dating.

Belle: I see, well I have some good news and bad news.

Regina: What's the good news?

Belle: That Henry dating is normal.

Regina: Then what's the bad news?

Belle: That kind of book doesn't exist because he's thirteen and shouldn't be dating at that age.

Regina: Wait, but you just said it's normal.

Belle: Yes, in today's society it is normal.

Regina: I knew I was right to be upset!

Belle: Children are growing up too fast, they should be enjoying the only childhood they get.

Regina: YES! Finally we agree on something!

Belle: I think if you just calmly tell Henry to focus on school instead of having a girlfriend, maybe he'll understand.

Regina: Calm…Right. I can be calm.

Belle: Drink a glass of wine before you do.

Regina: Okay, I'll drink a bottle of wine before I do.

Belle: I said GLASS.

Regina: A bottle, I got it.

Belle: Oh dear...


	17. Chapter 17

_**Henry and the Grandfathers**_

Henry: Why have you guys been blowing my phone up?

Rumple: Henry, you're alive?!

Henry: Uh, have you been inhaling too much fairy dust over there? Of course I'm alive, why wouldn't I be?

Charming: Henry, your mother has been on a war path all day looking for you.

Henry: Seriously? Why?! I've just been out with friends.

Rumple: No, I have not been inhaling too much dust. And we all know you've been with your girlfriend. Your grandmother's mouth runs like bathwater.

Charming: Hey! Watch what you say about my wife!

Rumple: Not her, dingus! Cora!

Charming: OH.

Henry: If you two are done, I'd like to know where was the last place you say my mom.

Rumple: Belle said after Regina texted her, she saw her headed toward your old castle.

Charming: Where are you?

Henry: Okay. I'm almost home. I'll be hiding in my closet.

Rumple: Not you too. Son, don't hide in the damn closet! Hide under the bed like a real coward.

Charming: Or…he could face his mother. She probably only wants to talk anyway.

Rumple: Regina? Talk? HA BLOODY HA.

Charming: It's possible. I believe she has the ability to not lose her temper all the time.

Henry: I'm sorry but I'm siding with grandpa Rumple on this one. You must be talking about a Regina from another land. Because you most certainly are not speaking of my mother.

Rumple: Atta' boy. Make me proud.

Charming: This is only going to get worse.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Neal and Emma<strong>_

Neal: Emmaaaaaaa

Emma: Neal, I swear on the box of cookies I have hid under my pillow, if the next thing you type is something stupid, I will drive to where you are and punch you in the face.

Neal: So that means I'll get to see you?

Emma: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Neal: I was going to tell you a joke, grouchy pants.

Emma: Fine. What's the joke?

Neal: How was the skeleton able to know it was going to be a great halloween?

Emma: I don't know. How?

Neal: He could feel it in his bones!

Emma: Oh my God.

Neal: Funny, right! I know.

Emma: NO. That joke was so damn corny I nearly died.

Neal: I'd like to see you tell a better one then!

Emma: Alright! Why did the ghost cross the road?

Neal: I didn't know ghosts could cross the road…

Emma: …I'm going to pretend like you didn't just say that. Answer the question!

Neal: Oh right. Why?

Emma: To get to the other side.

Neal: Well hell, we all cross the road to get to the other side.

Emma: No Neal, the other side as in the After Life. Why do I even bother?

Neal: Ohhh! Ha! Good one.

Emma: Yes, I know. Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.

Neal: Can I help?

Emma: Actually, yes you can help out a lot.

Neal: How?

Emma: I want you to go out to the grocery store and buy me three boxes of Honey Glazed Popcorn Crackers.

Neal: Honey Glazed Popcorn Crackers? I've never heard of those.

Emma: They're new and really good. I've been craving some lately and I just haven't the time to go to the store. If you can get them for me, I'd be so grateful.

Neal: I'll head out to the store now, then.

Emma: Thank you so much Neal. You're so sweet.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Regina and Cora<strong>_

Regina: MOTHER

Cora: SASSY PANTS

Regina: You know where my son is, don't you?

Cora: I know a lot of things for I am the wise owl.

Regina: I swear you are give me migraines.

Cora: Oh calm down dear. The boy is fine.

Regina: I haven't seen him all damn day and I've been all over town looking for him. WHERE IS HE?

Cora: The last time he talked to me, he was at his castle.

Regina: I'm standing here right now.

Cora: Someone must've tipped him off that you're looking for him.

Regina: I'll handle them once I handle Henry. Please mother, for the love of everything evil, help me.

Cora: Only because you said please. I'll look into my crystal ball and summon the dark spirits.

Regina: You're being sarcastic aren't you?

Cora: You know your mother so well, dear.

Regina: HELP ME.

Cora: He's probably at home, Regina. I'm not a damn Magic Mirror. I can't tell you where everyone is at any given moment.

Regina: If he's not home, I'm pulling out the Magic Mirror.

Cora: How is Sydney by the way? I haven't seen him in months.

Regina: Fine….

Cora: He's locked up in the Asylum, isn't he?

Regina: No….

Cora: Let that man out!

Regina: I'm more concerned about Henry right now.

Cora: If you won't let him out, I will. Take him to get a few drinks too while we discuss how crazy your ass is.

Regina: I get it honest. Like mother like daughter.

Cora: Pft. I'm not crazy. I'm more along the lines of mentally unstable/down right evil.

Regina: You got that right.

Cora: At least I know where my children are.

Regina: You know what, I hope Zelena makes out with Snow.

Cora: You take that back right now!

Regina: Nope.

Cora: Oooo….

Regina: What's wrong mother? Speechless? Cat got your tongue?

Cora: That's alright dammit. I have some tricks up my sleeve.

Regina: I'm shaking in my high heels mother.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Snow and Hook<strong>_

Snow: So I hear you and my daughter are an item.

Hook: A what now?

Snow: It means that you're together.

Hook: We are?! She never told me this!

Snow: Whoa wait. She didn't?

Hook: NO. When the hell did this happen?

Snow: She told me like three weeks ago that you two were dating.

Hook: Snow, we've yet to even go on our first date.

Snow: Why would she lie to me?

Hook: Have you been pressuring her about picking between Neal and I?

Snow: No…Well not really.

Hook: And has Cora kept pestering her about dating Regina?

Snow: That's almost every day.

Hook: That's why. She's tired of you all trying to set her up.

Snow: We just want her to be happy though.

Hook: Let her decide what her happiness is. She knows what she wants in a partner and whether that be me, Bae or Regina, I'll still be a friend to her.

Snow: That's very sweet of you Hook.

Hook: Yes well, I'm a firm believer of allowing a woman to make her own decisions about her life. Plus Swan is an excellent drinking buddy. She always makes sure I get home safely.

Snow: I guess her father and I need to sit and have a talk with her. I want her to know that we support whatever she chooses to do. And don't tell Charming that or he'll lose it.

Hook: Just don't talk to her like a child. Trust me, it pisses her off. And don't you worry, I'd never be that dumb.

Snow: Well I appreciate the advice Hook. I'm glad Emma can have a kind friend like you to confide in.

Hook: My pleasure. It may not be a part of a Pirate's Code but as a man, it's part of my code to do what's right when it comes to a woman.


	18. Chapter 18

_**Emma & Henry**_

Emma: Kid?

Henry: Ma? What's up?

Emma: Are you okay?

Henry: Of course. Why wouldn't I be?

Emma: I just assumed once your mom found you, all hell would break loose.

Henry: Ah. Well she hasn't.

Emma: Kid….she's going to kill us both.

Henry: No she isn't.

Emma: I admire your bravery but you're crazy.

Henry: Ma, calm down. I know how to calm my mom down.

Emma: Oh? And how?

Henry: Distract her.

Emma: Okay…And what's this distraction going to be?

Henry: I can't tell you but just know that everything is going to be okay. Ok?

Emma: Alright kid, just be careful. I don't want to have to visit you in the hospital.

Henry: Pft, I'll be fine. You on the other hand need to apologize to my dad for lying to him.

Emma: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Henry: That honey glazed popcorn crap you had him searching all day at the grocery store for.

Emma: OMG! I'm going to fall out my chair laughing! He seriously went looking for it?!

Henry: DUH! You asked him to!

Emma: I FIGURED HE HAD MORE COMMON SENSE THAN THAT!

Henry: Apologize or I'm telling Grandma and Gramps about this and the cookies you have stashed away.

Emma: You can't blackmail me…I'm the parent.

Henry: Try me.

Emma: ….

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Elsa &amp; Hook<strong>_

Elsa: hook

Hook: Aye lass?

Elsa: typing on this thing is really weird

Hook: I'll admit, it takes some time to get used to.

Elsa: yes it does but i don't know where the punctuation marks are

Hook: Do you see the "123" at the bottom left of your keyboard?

Elsa: oh gosh! Thank- So that's the caps lock too! Thank you so much Hook.

Hook: No worries love. Always happy to help.

Elsa: One more question before I go, I push the Emma button to call her, right?

Hook: Right. And then just hold the phone up to your ear and wait for her to speak.

Elsa: Perfect! The tools in this world are so confusing.

Hook: Just wait until you sit down at a computer and use the internet.

Elsa: The what?

Hook: I'll explain it later.

Elsa: Okay. Gotta go, Anna's ready to go shopping!

Hook: Have fun!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Regina &amp; Emma<strong>_

Regina: You're sheriff, correct?

Emma: Yes….

Regina: So then why the hell aren't you doing your job?!

Emma: Regina, what are you talking about?

Regina: What I'm talking about is someone has broken into my office and covered it with red paint!

Emma: For real?

Regina: No, Swan. For play-play. YES FOR REAL!

Emma: Hold on.

Regina: You better not be laughing!

Emma: I not, swear

Regina: YES YOU ARE! Damnit, get your ass over here now!

Emma: Right, right. I'm on my way right now. Give me like 5 minutes.

Regina: You're still laughing aren't you?

Emma: ...Yes

Regina: I have something for you and we'll see if you'll be laughing then.

Emma: Shit.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Zelena, Snow &amp; Cora<strong>_

Zelena: Snow?

Snow: Yes Zelena?

Zelena: I was wondering if I could talk to you and maybe get some advice.

Snow: Sure! I'd be happy to help.

Zelena: Wonderful. So there's someone I like but they're with someone else.

Snow: Oh dear. Is the person attracted to you as well?

Zelena: I'm not completely sure yet.

Snow: You should probably find that out first before taking anymore steps. Make sure it's worth it.

Zelena: Okay, I'll ask them today.

Snow: I wish you all the luck in the world!

Cora: ZELENA YOU BETTER NOT BE ASKING SNOW OUT!

Zelena: Mother?! What the hell are you talking about?!

Snow: Yes, please explain yourself Cora.

Cora: I think your sister put a spell on you to make you want to kiss Snow!

Zelena: Uh…mother I don't want to kiss Snow.

Snow: I'm so confused right now.

Cora: OH NO! YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HER AREN'T YOU!?

Zelena: NO!

Snow: Thank God.

Cora: BLESS YOU! Oh my gosh, I'm going to kick Regina's ass.

Zelena: I wanted help with asking someone else out, crazy woman.

Snow: Cora, your mental health should be assessed really soon.

Cora: I'm so relieved. You just don't understand. I'm going beat my little regal with my butter sock. See you losers later.

Zelena: I will never understand that woman.

Snow: Welcome to our world.


	19. Chapter 19

_**Elsa & Emma**_

Elsa: Emma...  
>Emma: Elsa? What's wrong?<br>Elsa: I think Anna and I did a bad thing...  
>Emma: Oh no. Is it worse than splattering red paint all over Regina's office?<br>Elsa: I'm afraid I think we had something to do with that.  
>Emma: ...What happened?<br>Elsa: We were out shopping and we ran into Henry. He was telling us he was a few dollars short to buy some paint.  
>Emma: Did he tell you why he needed the paint?<br>Elsa: No. Just that he and his grandmother were very thankful after we gave him the money.  
>Emma: Elsa, take Anna and stay in your apartment. For your safety from Regina, do <em>not<em> leave it until I say so.  
>Elsa: Do you think it's that bad?<br>Emma: One word: Yes.  
>Elsa: Alright, be careful Emma.<br>Emma: It's easier said than done.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Cora &amp; Henry<strong>_

Cora: Are you okay first mate?  
>Henry: Yeah, I made it to the safe point. I'm catching my breath.<br>Cora: Good. Stay there with the Uncharmings until I calm your mother down.  
>Henry: What if they tell my moms I'm here?<br>Cora: They won't. I called them earlier with my voice disguised as Regina, all's good.  
>Henry: I sure hope this works. I'm close to giving up on this operation.<br>Cora: Now what kind of talk is that from the truest believer?  
>Henry: The kind of talk someone gives when they're tired of failing.<br>Cora: Henry, you of all people should know true love doesn't just happen out of nowhere like some random pixie dust. It takes time to develop.  
>Henry: I know...but what if we're wrong?<br>Cora: Then we'll let your mother be with Pinecone & your other mother can smell like the sea 24/7.  
>Henry: ...I'm not giving up.<br>Cora: That's my boy!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Belle &amp; Rumple<strong>_

Belle: My dear husband...  
>Rumple: Yes sweetheart?<br>Belle: Where are you?  
>Rumple: Locking up the shop. Some hooligans are going around throwing red paint and I intend to keep our things safe.<br>Belle: So you're going to be on your way home soon?  
>Rumple: Yes love. Is there anything you need?<br>Belle: I don't want to be a bother.  
>Rumple: Belle, you're anything but that. I'll go to the moon and back for you.<br>Belle: I appreciate that but all I wanted was some vanilla ice cream.  
>Rumple: Your wish is my command. Anything else?<br>Belle: Pickles, cream cheese and chocolate.  
>Rumple: Are you making some odd dish?<br>Belle: No, our little one is craving the oddest things.  
>Rumple: Well I'll be sure to pick up everything you asked for. I want my loves to be happy.<br>Belle: Thank you. I love you.  
>Rumple: I love too, dear.<p>

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Neal &amp; Henry<strong>_

Neal: There's talk around town about someone splattering red paint all over your mom's office. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?  
>Henry: Huh? Pft, nope. I've been here with my grandparents all day.<br>Neal: Well your mom just texted me and said people saw you buying red paint earlier.  
>Henry: That...was for a school project.<br>Neal: Mhm. What school project would require two cans of paint?  
>Henry: A mural?<br>Neal: You're still in trouble behind your secret date and now you pull this stunt? Why?  
>Cora: I'm afraid the child you are trying to contact has reached his limit of texting data.<br>Neal: His plan's unlimited, Cora!  
>Cora: Nope...<br>Neal: Something tells me you're in on this too.  
>Cora: Very good observation, captain obvious.<br>Neal: Leave my son out of this!  
>Cora: I'm trying to make it easier for my grandson.<br>Neal: By geting him killed?!  
>Cora: Oh please, Regina The Hot Head will calm down soon.<br>Neal: Don't be so sure of that, Cora.  
>Cora: I think I know my daughter better than you do.<br>Neal: Maybe. But I know Regina's wrath better than you do.  
>Cora: You aren't a good judge of something scary. If I threw a worm on you, you'd scream bloody murder.<br>Neal: ONE TIME! That thing was slimy and disgusting.  
>Cora: Right...Catch you on the flip side wimp. And wear black to the wedding.<br>Neal: Wedding? What wedding?!

* * *

><p><em><strong>I'm sorry it's taken so long to update, I'm sick and taking medicine around the clock that makes me drowsy. I'm going to try and update this and my other stories soon.<strong>_


	20. Chapter 20

_**Snow & Charming**_

Snow: David?

Charming: Snow? What's wrong?

Snow: Nothing. Neal just misses his father.

Charming: Well I miss him too. And my beautiful wife.

Snow: How much?

**_-Accidentally adds Emma to the thread-_**

Charming: Enough to do that thing I know you like.

Snow: Oh yeah? I think we have some whipped cream left over from last time.

Emma: UHM GUYS!

Charming: I'll be home in ten.

Emma: OH MY GOD GUYS PLEASE TAKE ME OUT OF THIS CONVERSATION!

Snow: I'll be waiting in your favorite outfit.

Emma: I'm going to barf…WHY ARE YOU GUYS IGNORING ME?!

Charming: Ooo! Make it five minutes then!

Emma: I'm going to go burn my eyes now…

Snow: Better hurry, I'll get Emma to babysit Neal.

Emma: Emma is no longer in Storybooke. She ran away crying.

Charming: Sounds good to me. I'm almost there!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Emma &amp; Regina<strong>_

Emma: Regina?

Regina: What do you want, Swan?

Emma: You still enjoy causing pain, right?

Regina: With all my dark heart.

Emma: Kill me. Please.

Regina: Don't take this the wrong way, but why?

Emma: PLEASE. I CANNOT BEAR THIS ANY LONGER.

Regina: Emma, what the hell happened?

Emma: MY PARENTS! They didn't know they added me into their text messages and they started…

Regina: ….

Emma: Stop laughing.

Regina: I'm not…swear…..

Emma: I'm standing outside your office door, I hear you laughing!

Regina: AHAHAHAHA!

Emma: That's why Cora kidnapped Robin and sent him over the town line.

Regina: Nice try.

Emma: Think about it….When was the last time he texted you?

Regina: …..SHIT!

Emma: Who's laughing now? HA!

Regina: Still me because your parents are having sex while you babysit.

Emma: I hate you…

Regina: I knooooow. Isn't it wonderful?

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Regina &amp; Henry<strong>_

Regina: Henry, what are you doing?

Henry: My chores like you said.

Regina: No video games, no TV, no music, correct.

Henry: Yes mom.

Regina: Good boy, remember you're grounded for six months. Now. Where is your grandmother?

Henry: Mom said they were making tacos or something.

Regina: SHE TOLD YOU- Never mind. No, where is MY mother?

Henry: Oh! She's right here.

Regina: Perfect. Make sure she stays right there.

Henry: Well seeing as how she's asleep, I don't think she'll be moving.

Regina: Even better. I'll be home shortly.

Henry: Is grandma in trouble?

Regina: More than you can imagine.

Henry: Uh oh.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Cora &amp; Emma &amp; Hook<strong>_

Cora: BLONDIE I AM GOING TO BEAT YOU SENSELESS WITH MY BUTTER SOCK WHEN I SEE YOU!

Emma: What the hell are you going on about now, Cora?

Hook: Yes and why am I being included?

Cora: You told Regina about Robin! And Hook, I'm including you because I WANT to.

Emma: Cora, she deserved to know!

Hook: I'm just going to go back to watching cartoons and eat these cookies.

Cora: NO! No she didn't! I am doing this for HER GOOD.

Emma: YOU NEED TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP! Wait Hook, I thought you didn't have cable in your apartment.

Hook: I don't.

Cora: Ignore the pirate! This is between you and I!

Emma: You brought him here! Hook…please tell me you aren't in my apartment.

Hook: I suddenly have to urge to go sailing. I'll be on my ship if you lovely ladies need anything.

Cora: Yeah, you do that. Before I burn it to a crisp.

Emma: I guess I'm going to have to start using magic to lock my door.

Cora: Wise idea because I'm coming for you.

Emma: Not if I tell Regina first.

Cora: Do you really think I'd be running from her without being disguised?

Emma: …..

Cora: Like I said, I'm coming for you, blondie.


	21. Chapter 21

_**Regina & Neal**_

Regina: Peasant.

Neal: Geez I almost threw my phone against the wall.

Regina: Wha-? Why?

Neal: Because you texted me! I thought it was possessed.

Regina: This is no time for your stupidity. When was the last time you talked to or saw Robin?

Neal: Rude. And about two weeks ago, why?

Regina: Really?! Because my whack job of a mother sent him over the town line.

Neal: Yeah. Oh yeah, I remember that.

Regina: ...You knew?

Neal: Well yeah, we all knew. Well everyone except Emma.

Regina: Henry knew this as well?

Neal: We were all there.

Regina: Neal...

Neal: Oh no...

Regina: Please tell me this is just one of your corny jokes.

Neal: Regina...please don't kill me...

Regina: Oh no, death would be rewarding. I'm going to cause suffering.

Neal: Hell no, I'm going back to New York where it's safe!

Regina: OH NO YOU AREN'T!

Neal: Did you just do what I think you did?!

Regina: Depends...

Neal: I felt the ground shake! You locked us in here, didn't you!?

Regina: See you soon, Neal.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Zelena &amp; Cora<strong>_

Zelena: Mother, I heard what you did.

Cora: Damn I keep forgetting I have two children.

Zelena: HOW CAN- Nevermind. Why would you do that to Regina?

Cora: Because Pinecone doesn't need to be with her. He has caused nothing but trouble since he got here!

Zelena: Okay but why not just kill him? Now he's made his way to New York where poor Marian was living happily.

Cora: Wait! I thought she was dead!

Zelena: No, of course not! Who told you that idiotic lie?

Cora: PINECONE! I'll rip his vocal cords from his throat!

Zelena: Why would he say that? When Marian awoke, I helped her get accustomed to this world and she moved to get away from him.

Cora: Well now I feel bad, poor thing doesn't deserve such harassment.

Zelena: It's alright, I brought her and Roland back here and they're staying with me at my farmhouse.

Cora: ...Greenie...are you doing what I think you're doing?

Zelena: What do you me- WHAT MOTHER NO OH MY GOSH! NOW I SEE WHY REGINA SAYS YOU DRIVE HER CRAZY!

Cora: Hey, I'm just checking! I mean hell, Marian is a beautiful woman with the cutest child ever. I'd tap that if I wasn't with someone already.

Zelena: I didn't just read that. I'm going wash my eyeballs now.

Cora: Alright dear, tell my future daughter-in-law and new grandson I said hello!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Cora &amp; Robin<strong>_

Cora: PINECONE PUSSY!

Robin: Let me guess, Cora right?

Cora: Ding ding! Correct!

Robin: What the hell do you want now?

Cora: Nothing really, just wanting to see how you were coping with the outside world.

Robin: Miserably. I'm all alone out here.

Cora: Oh yeah? That's too bad. Maybe if you had treated Marian better you wouldn't be alone.

Robin: Don't you talk about my late wife!

Cora: Late? Late?! YOU STOP THAT LYING RIGHT NOW!

Robin: I AM NOT LYING!

Cora: YES YOU ARE! MY FUTURE DAUGHTER IN LAW IS ALIVE AND WELL AND YOU KNOW IT!

Robin: WHO TOLD YOU THAT?! AND FUTURE DAUGHTER IN LAW?

Cora: Doesn't matter, what matters is that I know. And yes, it seems my daughter has taken a liking to the young archer.

Robin: I can't believe this...Regina and Marian?

Cora: You idiot- I mean yes, they've bonded since you left.

Robin: And Roland?

Cora: Never been happier.

Robin: Oh...I guess he's better off with them then.

Cora: It would seem so. I suggest getting a puppy.

Robin: Thank you for telling me.

Cora: It was my pleasure, trust me.

Robin: I have to go now.

Cora: Take care.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Regina, The Peasants, &amp; Cora<strong>_

Regina: So all of you knew except for Emma, eh?

Snow: Regina, we can explain.

Charming: You know how crazy your mother is.

Regina: Yes, I do.

Hook: Aye, then you know that she threatened to hurt us if we told you.

Neal: And I don't want to get hit with a buttersock anymore.

Emma: It feels so good to not be in trouble for once.

Henry: Lucky you...

Regina: I don't care! I would've helped you had you told me! And Henry, I never expected this from you of all people.

Henry: Mom, I love you, but you deserve someone better. So yeah, I helped grandma get rid of him.

Emma: Kid, didn't we already talk about staying out of grown people's business?

Neal: Henry you were wrong for that. I didn't know you helped her.

Regina: I can't believe this, my child is telling me who I should date.

Snow: Everyone let's just stay calm.

Henry: I'm not telling you who to date, I'm just trying to keep you from being hurt. Ever since he got here you've changed and not in a good way.

Charming: Henry, I think you should watch what you say before you regret something.

Regina: No David, it's okay. And what exactly do you mean by that, son?

Emma: This isn't going to end well.

Hook: Regina, just let it go. The boy was just trying to look out for you the best way he knew how.

Regina: While I appreciate everyone's support of my son, I am asking HIM to elaborate, not you all.

Cora: What he means is that Pinecone is nothing but a manipulative liar and he deserved everything he got.

Regina: Oh what joy, the cause of every single one of my headaches has arrived to the party.

Cora: Look smartass, either you're going to hear me out or I'll keep the information to myself.

Neal: What information?

Emma: By all means Cora, share with us all.

Cora: Blondie, you're still on thin ice with me so watch it.

Henry: Grandma, what happened?

Regina: Yes mother, I'm listening.

Cora: Marian is alive and here in town.

Snow: Wait what?

Regina: What Idiot 1 said.

Cora: Pinecone lied to us about Marian being dead. After your whole vault scene with him and unfreezing her, Zelena helped Marian get used to this world.

Hook: Zelena? Why would she be so bloody nice?

Charming: Exactly.

Cora: I'll get to that in a minute. Apparently Zelena had helped Marian move to New York and get settled but when I banished Pinecone, he went to find her. Zelena brought her and Roland back and they're staying with her for now.

Henry: I TOLD YOU!

Emma: Vault scene?

Neal: Aww the cute baby hobbit is back!

Regina: ...I can't believe this...

Cora: Oh and I think Zelena and Marian are dating.

Regina: WHAT?!

Henry: Auntie Zelena knows how to pick 'em.

Snow: ALRIGHT! ENOUGH OF THE PORN TALK!

Emma: WHAT VAULT SCENE?!

Charming: WHY IS EVERYONE SHOUTING?

Hook: Ahahaha! The witch and the archer, I ship it.

Neal: This town is messed up.

Cora: So you see my child, I did you a favor.

Regina: Mother, it pains me to say this but thank you.

Henry: Aww! So sweet.

Regina: Henry, you're grounded.

Henry: I'm already grounded.

Regina: Well you're ungrounded.

Henry: Awesome!

Regina: Now you're grounded again.

Neal: Should've seen that one coming, son.

Henry: Weirdos...

Emma: Yep and you're one of them.

Cora: Town meeting tomorrow. We need to discuss measures to keep unwanted guests from entering our town.

Regina: I guess that can be arranged.

Cora: Wonderful! See you simpletons then!


	22. Chapter 22

_**Rumple & Cora**_

Rumple: Why weren't we notified about the damn town meeting?

Cora: Who is this again?

Rumple: You know very well who I am! Henry told me you have my number stored under "Silver Fox"

Cora: Remind me to whack our grandson. What do you want, Rumple?

Rumple: To know why my wife and I weren't invited to the meeting?!

Cora: I didn't think it mattered.

Rumple: We live here, don't we?

Cora: Yes but you protect those you love with your life. Your dark side comes out the moment there's a threat.

Rumple: Yes...But we still need to know what's going on.

Cora: Fine. I'll brief you right now.

Rumple: Thank you.

Cora: I banished Robin from town so now Marian's back with Roland, possibly dating Zelena. Robin knows she's back but I fear he'll try to return to town so we're trying to find a way to keep him out and away from Regina.

Rumple: Simple solution, really.

Cora: And what might that be?

Rumple: Kill him.

Cora: Why didn't I think of that?! Oh wait! Because we can't do that here!

Rumple: That never stopped you in the other realm.

Cora: True, true. What about trapping him in Pandora's box?

Rumple: I suppose there's room for him in it.

Cora: Perfect! We'll let him back in, torture him by letting him see Marian happy, then trap him.

Rumple: You get no arguments from me.

Cora: It's wonderful to have you on our side for once.

Rumple: Don't get comfortable. I just never liked that thief.

* * *

><p><span><strong><em>Henry, Erin, &amp; The Mothers<em>**

Henry: Uhm, moms…This is my girlfriend Erin.

Erin: Hello.

Emma: Girlfriend? When did that happen?

Regina: I'm not drunk enough for this.

Erin: We've been dating for a few weeks.

Emma: Well it's nice to meet you Erin, don't let Regina intimidate you.

Regina: Swan, kindly refrain from making me want to throw a fireball at you.

Henry: Guys please, not now…

Erin: It's okay, I'm not afraid.

Regina: Oh so she's got spunk, hm?

Emma: I really hate that I was included in this.

Henry: This was a bad idea, wasn't it?

Erin: Call it what you want, I just know I'm not scared of you.

Emma: Yep kid, bad idea.

Regina: You aren't afraid of me now, but just wait, I'll have you singing a different tune before it's all over.

Henry: Why don't we all just forget this ever happened.

Regina: Too late! And what are you even doing talking to her? You're on punishment.

Erin: I'm telling Miss Cora that you threatened me.

Emma: NO SHE SAID THE WORD!

Cora: I was summoned?

Emma: DAMNIT!

Henry: Oh no…

Regina: You think I'm supposed to be afraid of my mother? Ha! Little girl, go read a book.

Erin: How about you go take your medication, old woman.

Cora: Damn, she's a feisty one. My grandson has good taste.

Emma: …Erin, is it? Run…

Erin: What?

Henry: RUN.

Erin: But-

Emma: GIRL RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

Cora: Wait, Regina didn't respond yet.

Henry: Yes because she's on her way to Erin. I just heard the front door slam!

Emma: Looks like we'll be planning another funeral.

Cora: Not so fast! I've poofed Erin here with me so she's safe.

Henry: Thanks Grandma.

Cora: Don't mention it. But next time, make sure I'm there when you bring everyone together.

Emma: And leave me completely out of it.

Henry: Will do.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Snow &amp; Belle<strong>_

Snow: How's everything going?

Belle: Other than not being able to bend down or having Rumple help me up from the couch, pretty good.

Snow: Oh yes, I remember those days. But it's all worth it to see that little face and hear their first cry.

Belle: You're right. I just wish it didn't take so long for them to get here. I miss having my body to myself.

Snow: Do you think you'll have another after this one?

Belle: NO. Er, I mean, I think going through this experience once is enough for me.

Snow: Don't worry, I understand what you mean.

Belle: Yeah, and I'm thankful Rumple has been there every step of the way.

Snow: He's going to be a great father.

Belle: I have no doubt that he will. It's so sweet, anytime I have a craving, he races out to go get it.

Snow: Aww! I used to have Charming up at 3 am getting pickles and peanut butter with ice cream.

Belle: Oh….that sounds so good right now. I'll talk to you later, I need to go bother a certain pawn shop owner.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Hook &amp; Neal<strong>_

Hook: Mate!

Neal: Hook!

Hook: Meet me at the docks, hurry!

Neal: Why?

Hook: There's something you're going to want to see.

Neal: Is it food?

Hook: Not unless you're a cannibal.

Neal: Wait what?

Hook: Man there's a bunch of women having a beach party and I'm the only man.

Neal: OMG I'm on my way now!

Hook: They're playing volleyball.

Neal: Stahp! I'm already running!

Hook:Oh no….

Neal: What happened?

Hook: Cora just showed up.

Neal: So what?

Hook: In a bikini…

Neal: EEEWWWWW. I'm gonna barf.

Hook: Mate…GET HERE NOW! SAVE ME!

Neal: NO WAY THAT IS GROSS.

Hook: She wants to rub sunscreen on her…

Neal: May the odds be ever in your favor. Have fun mate.


	23. Chapter 23

_**Rumple & Neal**_

Rumple: Bae, are you busy?

Neal: Not at all, Papa. What's wrong?

Rumple: Son...Your stepmother is driving me crazy!

Neal: What do you mean?

Rumple: Her food cravings at 4am, her mood swings, I am slowly losing it.

Neal: Well, that's kinda what happens when a woman gets pregnant.

Rumple: Yes but I haven't dealt with one in hundreds of years. I'm not used to this. I don't know what to say and what not to say.

Neal: Have you tried not saying anything at all?

Rumple: Yes and she still cried.

Neal: I am sooo glad I didn't have to go through that. Emma likes to throw stuff when she gets mad but it'll all be worth it to see the baby be born.

Rumple: Oh son, here I am going on and on about it and I never talked to you about how you truly feel.

Neal: Papa, trust me, I'm happy for you and Belle. I'm more than proud to be a big brother.

Rumple: Are you sure? I want you to be happy too.

Neal: Positive. How about we go fishing like we used to? You, Henry and I?

Rumple: Sounds like a perfect idea and getaway.

Neal: Great! I'll let Henry know. See you tomorrow.

Rumple: I love you Baelfire.

Neal: I love you too, Papa.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Charming &amp; Emma<strong>_

Charming: Uhm, Emma?

Emma: Oh no...Please tell me mom isn't in this thread too?

Charming: No, no, it's just you and I.

Emma: Oh thank God.

Charming: We're sorry about that, we weren't really paying attention.

Emma: Riiiight. I'm starting to think you two love mentally scarring your only daughter.

Charming: Of course we don't. But you have to admit, for missing out on 28 years, we're making up for most of those embarrassing moments.

Emma: All that and more, if you ask me.

Charming: But you know we love you irregardless, right? And that we'd do anything for you?

Emma: I know dad. And I love you guys too. Even though you're both oddballs sometimes.

Charming: Runs in the blood.

Emma: Psh, I'm as normal as they come.

Charming: HA! You wish! Face facts, you're a carbon copy of your mother and I. You are an oddball too.

Emma: Why me? What did I do to deserve this?

Charming: Probably because you ate too many cookies...

Emma: Naaah. Cookies are life.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Neal &amp; Henry<strong>_

Neal: I heard what happened...

Henry: What do you mean?

Neal: About Erin...Is she alright?

Henry: Oh...Yeah she's okay. She doesn't really like my mom though.

Neal: She knew what she was getting herself into when she disrespected her.

Henry: Mom started it!

Neal: Your mom is nuts! We all know this! She should've just ignored the woman.

Henry: So you're taking her side?!

Neal: No. I'm simply saying next time you should prepare better. You knew your mother already didn't like her because of how you two were sneaking around.

Henry: I guess you're right about that. Since when do you give good advice?

Neal: I'll let that slick comment slide. I wanted to know if you wanted to come fishing with your grandfather and I?

Henry: Of course I would. Just us three, right?

Neal: Just us three.

Henry: Sounds good, dad.

Neal: Perfect! Love you son!

Henry: Love you too!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Regina &amp; Snow<strong>_

Regina: IDIOT 1!

Snow: Oh wow, if it isn't my loving step mother...How may I help you?

Regina: I told you not to call me that...Why is your rugrat in my house?

Snow: Can't help it, it's the truth. And what rugrat?

Regina: Ugh! Neal. What other rugrat would there be?

Snow: Uhm, Neal's here with me...

Regina: Wha-? Then who the hell left their child in my house?

Snow: Is it a girl or a boy?

Regina: I don't know! It keeps looking at me!

Snow: Why is it you act so badass 24/7 but the moment a child is involved you act helpless?

Regina: Psh, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Snow: Need I remind you of Henry?

Regina: He wouldn't stop crying!

Snow: He was a baby! They do that!

Regina: Look! Just get over here before this one starts crying! I see it's lip trembling already!

Snow: Pick him, or her, up then!

Regina: Snow...if you aren't here in the next five minutes, I'm telling Emma about the tape.

Snow: You. Wouldn't. Dare.

Regina: Try. Me.

Snow: FINE! Ugh, you work my nerves.

Regina: Love to hate you too, snow bunny.


	24. Chapter 24

**_Snow & Charming_**

Snow: Honey, we have a few problems.

Charming: Uh oh, why do I have a feeling this will involve lying?

Snow: Because we aren't the brightest parents.

Charming: What's happened? Where are you?

Snow: I'm here with Regina. Someone left their baby in her house and she says if we don't help her keep this quiet, she's going to show Emma the tape.

Charming: Tell Regina she is a piece of work!

Snow: She says, "Work? Ha! Something you know nothing about, Deputy Lazy." Anyway, you need to get over here as soon as possible.

Charming: Can I hang Regina from a pole once I get there?

Snow: You already know the answer to that. And she can read what you're typing!

Charming: Ooo, I'm so scared.

Snow: Listen Idiot #2, this is the woman you shall respect above all others and if you utter another word other than, "Yes, Regina." I am going to make your life a living hell. We clear?

Charming: Yes, Regina.

Snow: Good boy. Now here's your wife.

Charming: Like you haven't already made my life hell.

Snow: Charming?

Charming: Snow?

Snow: I'm so sorry, sweetheart.

Charming: It's fine, I'm on my way.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Zelena &amp; Regina<strong>_

Zelena: Oh sis, I need your help.

Regina: What is it?

Zelena: Marian's trying to enroll Roland at Storybrooke Elementary but they're claiming it's too late in the school year.

Regina: Seriously? You both do know it's only two months left before summer right?

Zelena: Do you understand what it's like for a hyper five year old to run around my house 16 hours a day?

Regina: Hmm...I see your point. I'll pull some strings.

Zelena: Thank you, that's all I ask.

Regina: How's everything on your end?

Zelena: Pretty good. Robin hasn't contacted Marian in days and she seems to be adjusting to moving back pretty well.

Regina: Well keep me updated. I'll call you on Monday after I talk to the school.

Zelena: Sounds good, thanks again Regina.

Cora: MY BABIES ACTUALLY BEING NICE TO EACH OTHER! AND THE BABY HOBBIT!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Emma &amp; Neal<strong>_

Emma: Neeeeeaaaaal

Neal: ...Yes?

Emma: Hi!

Neal: Hi?

Emma: How r youuuu?

Neal: Uh, fine...Emma are you okay?

Emma: Im perfectly fine. Y do u ask?

Neal: Well, for starters you never use text lingo.

Emma: O psh. Well its easier on the brain, dont u think?

Neal: No. It's harder on my brain to figure out the jumbled crap you're writing.

Emma: Dude chiiiiill. Youre killing ma vibe mayne.

Neal: Vibe? Oh no. Emma...please tell me you aren't high.

Emma: Dude im on fucking cloud nine rite now. I swear dora the explorer is rite here singing to me.

Neal: Where are you?!

Emma: CLOUD NINE FOOL

Neal: I'm calling your parents.

Emma: Ha! Good luck! Theyre stuck inside the video tape.

Neal: Huh?! I'm coming find you, stay where you are.

Emma: I couldnt move if i wanted to or else id fall from the clouds and die.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Neal, Hook, Snow, Regina &amp; Cora<strong>_

Neal: We have a problem.

Hook: What happened?

Neal: Emma's high right now and doesn't know where she is.

Snow: OH MY GOD! WHO DID THAT TO MY BABY?!

Regina: Uh, Emma is a grown ass woman. I'm sure no one forced her to get high. But I know she's going to suffer when she comes down from whatever cloud she's currently floating on.

Cora: Calm your tits, children. Blondie's fine.

Snow: YOU DID THIS TO HER DIDN'T YOU?!

Cora: Snow, shut the hell up with your caps lock-typing ass.

Hook: Cora, in all seriousness, did you give Swan weed?

Neal: And do you know where she is?

Cora: Yes & No.

Regina: Mother! Why are you ALWAYS at the center of all the chaos.

Cora: Same reason you have a baby in your house.

Snow: How do you know about that AND WHY WOULD YOU GIVE MY CHILD DRUGS?!

Cora: A) None of your business. B) Because she ASKED me to.

Neal: Why would she ask you for weed?

Hook: Aye, that doesn't sound like her.

Regina: And please, for the love of darkness, tell me you didn't have anything to do with the child that was here.

Cora: She said she needed to wipe her memory of some tape she watched. And what do you mean was?

Snow: What tape?!

Neal: She said something about a tape and her parents being trapped in it.

Hook: This is so confusing.

Regina: Was as in David took him to Social Services.

Cora: All I know is she said she saw something that could never be erased from her memory so I recommended weed. Simple. AND THAT BABY'S FAMILY IS HERE IN TOWN!

Regina: Ooooh! She saw the tape! Now watching her reaction would be highly entertaining. And it's no longer my problem, mother. It's your mess so you clean it up!

Neal: Hook, help me find her.

Hook: Aye, I'm on my way.

Snow: Oh dear God...she saw the tape...

Regina: I only wish I could've been there to see.

Cora: What the hell is on it?

Snow: Charming and I...

Cora: Doing what?

Snow: Things...

Regina: Having sex in Emma's bed.

Cora: DAAAAAMN! And you say I'm evil! That's low.

Snow: It wasn't on purpose! We just kinda had a moment of passion.

Regina: I almost lost my lunch just then.

Cora: Same...

Snow: Help me fix this damnit!

Regina: Perhaps.

Cora: We'll discuss terms and conditions later.

Snow: Bitches.

Regina: You know it!

Cora: Head bitch in charge!


	25. Chapter 25

**_Marian & Regina_**

Marian: Gina?

Regina: Marian? I think you forget to add the "Re" part...

Marian: It's Roland! Hi, Gina!

Regina: Oh hello sweetie! Where is your mommy?

Marian: With Z in the living room. Can we go get ice cream?

Regina: How about you go give your mommy the phone and I'll ask her, okay?

Marian: Okay!

Regina: Marian?

Marian: Regina? Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Roland must've grabbed my phone from my purse.

Regina: No worries, dear. I know what it's like to have a five year old. I was wondering if you, Roland and my sister would like to join me for ice cream later since Henry's still out fishing?

Marian: Sure, that sounds lovely. We'll meet you at Granny's.

Regina: Perfect! See you then~ Oh, before I forget! How's everything going?

Marian: Good so far, thank you for asking. Zelena's been really supportive.

Regina: Good to hear. I know she cares a great deal about you and Roland. If you can trust anyone with your life, it's her. She'll protect you at all costs.

Marian: I know, I can see it in her eyes every time she looks at me. Amongst other things.

Regina: Oh God. That's my queue to find something to do.

Marian: Lol relax, 'Gina'. Or should I say sister-in-law?

Regina: Regina is just fine, dear. Unless you want me to refer to you as the frozen archer.

Marian: We're going to get along swimmingly.

Regina: I can already sense the loving moments.

Marian: See you soon, Regina.

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>Snow, Emma &amp; Charming<span>_**

Snow: Emma...

Emma: Don't.

Charming: We hadn't intended on you finding out like that.

Snow: We are so sorry!

Emma: Were you ever going to tell me?! I HAVE TO GET A NEW MATTRESS NOW. WHEN DOES THE TRAUMATIZING END?!

Charming: We aren't sure; parents aren't perfect, y'know.

Snow: I promise we'll do our best to keep from letting something like that happen again.

Emma: And I'm supposed to just blindly believe that?

Charming: Yes. We're your parents. If you can't trust us then who can you trust?

Snow: Please...

Emma: I'd rather put my trust in Gold right about now...Or hell, even Cora!

Cora: I WAS SUMMONED FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL. What do you peasants want?

Charming: Depths of hell sounds about right...

Cora: Watch it, Uncharming.

Snow: Cora please, we're trying to talk to Emma.

Emma: Why me? What did I do to deserve this?

Cora: Oooh, about the sex tape? Ha! Amateurs. You two need to get a new position, flexibility is in this season.

Emma: OH MY GOD STOP

Charming: Why don't you crawl back under a rock, bat?

Snow: I hate everything...

Emma: I hate everyone.

Cora: OH SHUT UP BLONDIE! Did you tell your parents about how you had sex on, and I quote, "'Ze couch"?

Charming: WHAT?!

Emma: CORA FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHUT UP!

Snow: WHO IN THE HELL DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH ON MY COUCH OH MY GOD NOT MY BEAUTIFUL COUCH

Cora: Mhm. See. Stop acting so damn pure. Your parents made a mistake, a stupid one, but a mistake nonetheless. And they care about you enough to try and spare you the embarrassment. Pft, if it had been Regina, I would've showed her the video myself and recorded her reaction. So forgive your parents and move on.

Charming: WHO WAS IT EMMA?!

Emma: I CAN'T FUNCTION PROPERLY RIGHT NOW, I'M GOING GET DRUNK.

Snow: OH NO YOU DON'T YOUNG LADY, YOU BRING YOUR NARROW ASS HOME RIGHT NOW!

Cora: My work here is done!

* * *

><p><strong><span><em>Maleficent, Cruella, Ursula &amp; Regina<em>**

Maleficent: Girls, we need to talk.

Cruella: What is it darling, Ursula and I are kind of...busy.

Regina: Oh my- please refrain from sharing any details.

Ursula: Talk quick!

Maleficent: Can you two keep it in your pants for five minutes?!

Cruella: Doubt it.

Regina: If this conversation doesn't change quickly, I'm going to kindly step away from my phone.

Ursula: For the record, I always keep it in my pants, thank you very much. I just invite my love inside my pants.

Maleficent: ...

Cruella: Oh my God...Maleficent hurry the hell up and tell us what you want!

Regina: I almost choked on my water. I hate you all.

Ursula: Feeling's mutual, Queenie.

Maleficent: OKAY. I was going to suggest we get together for lunch today but it's pretty obvious that isn't going to happen.

Regina: You have a better chance at getting my mother to be nice.

Maleficent: And how is dear Cora? Well, I hope.

Regina: Annoying as hell and meddlesome. So basically she's normal.

Maleficent: That's good. She's one hell of a drinking buddy.

Regina: I think we lost the other two.

Maleficent: YOU TWO ARE SICKENING!

Regina: Guess we'll have to take a rain check on that lunch.

Maleficent: Well, the offer still stands for you.

Regina: I do have to meet Marian and Zelena for ice cream later on but we can have lunch here at my house. And actually, you can tag along for ice cream if you want. It'll be good for you to get to know more people.

Maleficent: I suppose a little socializing won't hurt, per se.

Regina: That's the spirit.

Maleficent: I'll be over in a flash. I'm starving.

Regina: I'm already preparing the plates, dear.

Maleficent: Good girl. On my way.

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>Cora &amp; Hook<span>_**

Cora: Handless Wonder!

Hook: Oh bloody hell, what do you want?

Cora: Is that any way to address a Captain? YOUR Captain?

Hook: No. But since you didn't address me properly, why should I?

Cora: Because I will hang you upside down and beat you again.

Hook: Captain Cora! How lovely it is to speak to you again. To what do I owe the pleasure?

Cora: Better. I'm curious about something. What do you know about Maleficent?

Hook: The dragon?

Cora: Yes.

Hook: Not much. She has a grown daughter that was friends with Emma. That's about it.

Cora: Hmm. And has she always been friendly with Regina?

Hook: Since the crocodile brought her back from the dead, they've gotten along.

Cora: Interesting...

Hook: What is it Captain?

Cora: I just peered downstairs to see them eating lunch together...

Hook: What's so wrong with that?

Cora: Regina's doing that thing with her face.

Hook: What thing?

Cora: Smiling!

Hook: The fu- Captain, they're just friends. The lass deserves companionship aside from Henry and you.

Cora: NO! Let everyone know that there's a meeting tonight! We have a new threat to our ship...Tell them DragonQueen is coming...


	26. Chapter 26

_**Emma, Henry & Regina**_

Emma: Uhm do you guys know why Cora and a bunch of other people are huddled together inside Granny's?

Henry: Is Hook and my dad with them?

Regina: Is it even worth the trouble of finding out?

Emma: Yes and yes. Although all this new information coming out is something I'm afraid I won't be forgetting anytime soon.

Henry: Meeting. And what information?

Regina: Nothing of your concern, son. Hold on. Meeting? About what?

Emma: Please tell me this isn't about SwanQueen again...

Henry: Tell me what I want to know first.

Regina: How about I send you AND your crazy grandmother to spend the weekend in the White Room?

Emma: Henry Daniel Mills, I swear on your mother's dark heart, I will make your life twice as hard if you don't tell us what's going on right now!

Henry: Emma whatever your middle is Swan and Regina whatever your middle name is Mills, I think you forget who has the upper hand in this battle.

Regina: Oh my dear sweet child, you may win the battle, like your grandparents used to, but you see...I ALWAYS win the war.

Emma: I'm with Regina. It's two against one.

Henry: Ha! That's cute. You thought I was alone. I'm with my crew who have my back no matter what so take your best shot.

Regina: I know your ass better be in your room by the time I reach the top of these stairs.

Emma: Don't even waste your time Regina. When I turned around to peek inside Granny's again, Henry was in there.

Henry: I bid you farewell, mothers.

Regina: Farewell is right. You won't see the light of day for a very very long time as soon as I get my hands on you.

Emma: Which will be very hard since Cora has him.

Regina: I know exactly how to handle this. You just worry about buying your parents a new couch.

Emma: CAN WE PLEASE NOT TALK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW?!

Regina: Why? Is it making you uncomfortable?

Emma: OBVIOUSLY.

Regina: Then nope.

Emma: You irk me.

Regina: It's my job, dear.

Emma: Then you do it well.

Regina: Amongst other things.

Emma: ...

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Snow &amp; Cruella<strong>_

Snow: A little birdie told me that you've been threatening some of the animals around here.

Cruella: I suppose this birdie gave you my number as well?

Snow: No. I have my connections to do that.

Cruella: Right darling. I suggest you take care of that ghastly, whining child of yours and don't worry about what I'm doing.

Snow: Listen. If you harm ANY of my friends, I will skin you alive.

Cruella: Big talk from a nutcase who TALKS TO ANIMALS!

Snow: You'll find out just how crazy I am if you touch those animals bitch.

Cruella: If you even CONTEMPLATE laying a pudgy finger on me, Ursula will suction that ridiculous head of yours from your body.

Snow: Not unless she wants to be served on a sushi platter.

Cruella: I WILL WEAR YOUR CHILD'S SKIN AS A COAT!

Snow: Ooh, did I strike a nerve with the devil woman?

Cruella: I shan't be forgetting this anytime soon, darling.

Snow: Shan't? What realm are you from again?

Cruella: The one where I make people suffer.

Snow: Idle threats get you nowhere.

Cruella: Just wait.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Cora &amp; Maleficent<strong>_

Cora: Puff the Magic Dragon?

Maleficent: The Devil?

Cora: Still as smart as ever. How are you dear?

Maleficent: Quite well. I haven't seen you since our last Girl's Night back in FTL.

Cora: Oh yes, that was one hell of a night. Didn't we burn down three villages that night?

Maleficent: And a few people. The smell was most unpleasant.

Cora: I was too drunk to even hear the screams.

Maleficent: How can you even remember any screams at all? With all the slaughtering you've done, don't they just blur together?

Cora: Perhaps. I tend to laugh it off.

Maleficent: That's an...interesting coping mechanism.

Cora: Indeed. But that isn't what I wanted to talk about.

Maleficent: What is it?

Cora: How long have you known Regina?

Maleficent: Hmm. Since she was about 19. Why?

Cora: And how old were you then?

Maleficent: Are you trying to insult me?

Cora: Puff, answer the question.

Maleficent: 22

Cora: Thank you.

Maleficent: Why are you asking me this? And stop calling me that!

Cora: Just trying to figure out how long my daughter's been around you. And no.

Maleficent: Why does that even matter? We all know who made her crazy.

Cora: Because...you two seem rather...close.

Maleficent: Well after twelve years of friendship I would hope so.

Cora: Okay. This is going to come out blunt but I need to know. Did you screw my daughter?

Maleficent: CORA!

Cora: WELL?!

Maleficent: I'm not in any way going to answer this question!

Cora: So that's a yes then?

Maleficent: NO! You need to ask Regina and let HER tell you.

Cora: O M G! YOU DID!

Maleficent: Cora you need to stop that this instant!

Cora: Puff the Magic Dragon got it on with my daughter...OH HELL IS SHE THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILD?!

Maleficent: I'm not replying anymore.

Cora: I AM GOING TO BEAT REGINA WITH MY BUTTER SOCK!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Neal &amp; Hook<strong>_

Neal: Have you heard?

Hook: What?

Neal: Cora's tearing up everything in town searching for Regina.

Hook: What the bloody hell for?

Neal: I don't know. She's screaming something about a puff and a dragon.

Hook: ...If I didn't know any better I'd say Cora was on some serious drugs.

Neal: I wouldn't doubt it. But as a precaution, stay indoors.

Hook: Why? She doesn't scare me.

Neal: Say it again.

Hook: No.

Neal: Why?

Hook: Because.

Neal: Because you know she'll appear and kick your ass if you do.

Hook: Shut up.

Neal: Mhm. That's what I thought.

Hook: Don't you have a corner to be trembling and crying in?

Neal: ONE TIME

Hook: HA! Mate you know I know you better than that.

Neal: Says the pirate who loves watching Dora the Explorer.

Hook: HEY! SHE WOULD MAKE ONE HELL OF A PIRATE!

Neal: Not if she can't find the simplest of things without asking for help.

Hook: That's just the troubles of being a novice. She'll get the hang of it.

Neal: Hook...she's a cartoon character. She's not real.

Hook: YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW!

Neal: Why do I even bother?

* * *

><em><strong>AN: In the previous chapter when I stated "DragonQueen is coming" it was a reference to Game of Thrones. Cora meant that it was time to fight, not that she was shipping it. **_


	27. Chapter 27

_**Ursula & Charming**_

Ursula: Good afternoon, Charming.

Charming: Afternoon Ursula. What can I do for you?

Ursula: Do you have a few moments to talk?

Charming: Yeah, sure. Something wrong?

Ursula: Our wives.

Charming: Oh yes. Snow was saying something about that last night. Between you and I, I may have tuned her out a bit.

Ursula: Don't worry, I understand. I just want us all to be cordial.

Charming: I agree. What can we do though? They're both pig-headed.

Ursula: Very. Why don't we have dinner? I can cook...

Charming: You sure about this?

Ursula: Yeah, positive. Just tell Snow that you're going to meet some old friends for dinner and I'll tell Cruella the same. They won't know anything until they're already here and I'll lock the door with magic so they can't leave until we have peace.

Charming: Alright. Sounds like a plan. Is tomorrow a good night?

Ursula: That's perfect. We'll see you then.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Belle &amp; Rumple<strong>_

Belle: Honey?

Rumple: Yes dear?

Belle: What time are you coming home?

Rumple: 6:30. Is something wrong? Is the baby alright?

Belle: No, no, everything's fine. I just wanted to know if you minded stopping and getting some pizza?

Rumple: Of course not, my love. Extra Cheese - Thin Crust?

Belle: Yes, please. I know I've been moody lately and I'm sorry.

Rumple: Belle, you are carrying our child, I will go to hell and back for my family. You, Bae, Henry and our little miracle are the only people that matter to me. And if I have to endure mood swings to ensure your happiness, then so be it. I know you love me.

Belle: With all my heart. Our child is lucky to have such a loving father. And I thank the heavens everyday for allowing me to have you as my husband.

Rumple: It is I who is the lucky and blessed one, and don't you forget it. Now, I think I have a pizza to go get.

Belle: And bre-

Rumple: Breadsticks too. Got it.

Belle: Love you. I have a surprise for you when you get home.

Rumple: I love you too. And I most certainly can't wait.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Henry &amp; Erin<strong>_

Henry: Hey...

Erin: Henry, it's been days since we've talked. What's wrong?

Henry: I know, I'm sorry. There's just a lot going on right now but I want us to talk in person. Are you free tonight?

Erin: Yes but are you sure your mom won't be mad?

Henry: Oh I'm counting on it. Both my moms are looking for me but thanks to my grandma, I'm disguised as someone they won't recognize.

Erin: Seriously? That is so...AWESOME! Where do you want me to meet you?

Henry: Let's go to the park where we can be alone.

Erin: Okay. Be there in five minutes. I can't wait to see you!

Henry: I can't wait to see you either. I've missed you so much.

Erin: Awe I've missed you too. I'm going to smother you with kisses.

Henry: I won't say no to that.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Snow &amp; Regina<strong>_

Snow: Did Cora ever get that baby back to it's family?

Regina: Yes. She went down there and explained why it was her fault. Apparently they had foolishly asked her to babysit and when something about her ship came up, she rushed out of the house thinking I would care for the child.

Snow: Well I'm glad everything worked out.

Regina: As am I.

Snow: Would you happen to know a curse that'll turn someone into a statue?

Regina: May I ask why?

Snow: Protection.

Regina: From?

Snow: Look, do you have one or not?

Regina: Have you pissed someone with magic off and now you're afraid?

Snow: I'll take that as a no, then.

Regina: And I'll take that as a yes.

Snow: Thank you so much for your help.

Regina: Snow, just tell me who has threatened you and I presume I can be nice enough to take care of them.

Snow: While I would appreciate the gesture, I'm a big girl now Regina.

Regina: D'aw. Don't need your stepmother's help anymore?

Snow: ...I was nearly tempted to say something.

Regina: Say it. I dare you. Say it so I can try out a new spell.

Snow: Shouldn't you be out looking for Henry? Emma told me what happened. It seems like my grandson is too clever for you.

Regina: IF he is too clever, it isn't because of your gene pool, it's because I taught him to be that clever. My son is a Mills, always has been and always will be.

Snow: No need to be self-conscious. We know who raised him. We also know where a lot of his traits come from too.

Regina: Yes well, like I said before, some things can be altered with the help of magic. Anyways. Why aren't you out picking a new couch?

Snow: AGH I HATE YOU!

Regina: LOVE YOU TOO!

Snow: That's why you won't find Henry.

Regina: Oh I'll find him. Even if I have to use magic to do it. You on the other hand, I'll be paying you a visit later.

Snow: My sword will be waiting.


	28. Chapter 28

_**Emma & Hook**_

Emma: Long time, no see.

Hook: Aye. How are you, Lass? Haven't talked to you since the whole weed episode.

Emma: Let's not go there...

Hook: As you wish.

Emma: So what are you up to?

Hook: Watching television.

Emma: My Little Ponies?

Hook: NO! Dora The Explorer.

Emma: ...Why?

Hook: Because it's entertaining...

Emma: I know something better than a cartoon.

Hook: And what would that be?

Emma: Rum.

Hook: Sadly, I ran out.

Emma: Are you SURE you're okay?

Hook: Yes, why?

Emma: Because you never run out of rum.

Hook: Well I didn't run out...Cora took it...

Emma: You let an old woman take your favorite thing in the world? HA!

Hook: Coming from the person who is scared shitless of said old woman.

Emma: I don't know where that lie came from.

Hook: When you decided to snitch on Cora and ended up running from her.

Emma: See. I was going to offer you a bottle of rum and now I think I'll keep it to myself.

Hook: NO WAIT!

Emma: Yes?

Hook: How about you letting your old mate take that bottle off your hands.

Emma: Depends.

Hook: Oh bloody hell. What do you want?

Emma: Information. Meet me at the station.

Hook: I have a feeling I'm going to die tonight.

* * *

><p><span><strong>Rumple &amp; Cora<strong>

Rumple: Will you kindly stop stomping around town yelling for your daughter?!

Cora: Mind your business, Gold!

Rumple: It became my business when I can't have a peace of mind.

Cora: Does it look like I care?

Rumple: Cora I swear on your evil soul, if you don't calm the hell down, I'm going to divulge secrets you and I both know you don't want resurfaced.

Cora: You wouldn't dare.

Rumple: You must not know me very well.

Cora: Those secrets will negatively affect you as well.

Rumple: Not as bad as it'll be for you.

Cora: Look, I need to find her because I have questions that desperately need to be answered.

Rumple: TEXT HER THEN. Moron.

Cora: I wanted to ask these questions face to face. Asshole.

Rumple: What the hell is so important?!

Cora: You'll find out once I get the answers I seek. You've just given me a new idea.

Rumple: Dear God, what have I done?

Cora: Talk to you soon, dear Rumple.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Robin &amp; Regina<strong>_

Robin: Regina?

Regina: Who is this?

Robin: It's me, Robin.

Regina: Oh. It's you. May I assist you?

Robin: I was just thinking you. About us.

Regina: Really now? Because I wasn't thinking about you, how you lied and let me stick up for you, KNOWING you were lying.

Robin: Regina I'm sorry. Things were just really confusing. In my heart I know I wanted to be with you though. That never changed.

Regina: Robin, save the manure for the gardening.

Robin: I need you, Regina. I feel there is something that is missing in my lif that you could cure.

Regina: I believe it's an e. There, I cured it for you.

Robin: You know that's not it. Please. Just give me one more chance. I know I probably don't have a shot since you and Marian are together.

Regina: WHAT?! Who told- Mother...

Robin: What do you mean?

Regina: Marian and I aren't together. She's living with Zelena. Let me guess, my mother told you this?

Robin: Yes. What the hell?! I'm coming back to Storybrooke.

Regina: I'm afraid that isn't possible dear. There's a new barrier around the town.

Robin: So take it down! Let's be together like we should've been.

Regina: HAHAHA! No. Plus even if I wanted to, I couldn't. Only my mother can. And we both know that's not happening.

Robin: Regina please...At least let me see my son.

Regina: I'm sure if you talk to Marian about it, she and Zelena will work to arrange a schedule that will allow you time to spend with him. But your days of trying to date me or be with her are long gone, dear. It's time to face facts. You brought this on yourself.

Robin: You're right. And I truly am sorry. Any man or woman would be lucky to have you.

Regina: Yes they would. I suppose I forgive you.

Robin: Can we at least be friends?

Regina: Perhaps. Nothing more than casual drinks.

Robin: I can live with that.

Regina: Have a good day, Robin.

* * *

><p><em><span><strong>Neal &amp; Henry<strong>_

Neal: How's it going, sport?

Henry: Uh fine. What's up?

Neal: Nothing. Just checking on you. I haven't seen you in awhile.

Henry: Oh yeah, I've just been at home since I'm grounded.

Neal: Is that so? Because that's not the word on the street.

Henry: And what's the word on the street?

Neal: That you've been missing since last night.

Henry: Oh? Well I'm not missing. Obviously. I'm talking to you.

Neal: Hey smartass, you might want to watch yourself because from the looks of it, I'm the only parent who isn't hunting you down.

Henry: I doubt you could hunt me down.

Neal: Oh really? Look behind you.

Henry: TRAITOR! You helped them!

Neal: You bet your ass I did. The whole time we were talking, they were tracking you.

Henry: You were supposed to be on my side!

Neal: Not when you're clearly wrong. Have fun in the White Room!

Henry: I'll remember this dad!

Neal: Counting on it, son.


	29. Chapter 29

**_Regina & Maleficent_**

Regina: Mal?

Maleficent: Yes? What is it?

Regina: I need your help with something.

Maleficent: Explain.

Regina: My mother, you know, the crazy lady? Well apparently she has this whacked out idea that Lily is my daughter. So she's locked me in my room with magic until I answer her questions.

Maleficent: And where do I come in with this?

Regina: Tell the old bat I'm not Lily's father.

Maleficent: I can't.

Regina: And why the hell not?!

Maleficent: Because I don't lie.

Regina: ...Dragon, you better explain this and I mean right the hell now.

Maleficent: Look! I'm not entirely sure if she's yours or not. I got pregnant during our rough patch.

Regina: So you're saying there's a possibility?

Maleficent: Possibly.

Regina: Great. Just what my mother always wanted.

Maleficent: A granddaughter?

Regina: To be right. When I get out of here, we need to talk.

Maleficent: I agree. About several things.

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>Ursula &amp; Cruella<span>_**

Ursula: Are you still mad at me?

Cruella: Yes. Very.

Ursula: Aw Cru, I was just trying to keep the peace.

Cruella: You know I loathe that idiot.

Ursula: Yes but here we can't just fight whenever we feel like it. We're supposed to be good.

Cruella: Says the fish who strangles people with her tentacles.

Ursula: Watch it. Or I'll use them to do other things.

Cruella: Is that a promise, dahling?

Ursula: Come home and you'll find out.

Cruella: Only if there's a glass of gin waiting for me.

Ursula: Would there be anything else?

Cruella: I knew there was a reason I married you.

Ursula: I love you too, silly.

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>Charming &amp; Hook<span>_**

Charming: Pirate.

Hook: Prince.

Charming: Don't start.

Hook: You're the one that's starting this, mate.

Charming: Look. When was the last time you saw Emma?

Hook: Earlier today, why?

Charming: Because Gold said she stole a bottle of his truth serum.

Hook: Did it happen to be the color purple?

Charming: Yes...

Hook: I knew that rum tasted odd. Bloody hell!

Charming: Care to fill me in?

Hook: She tricked me into drinking it- Oh no.

Charming: What now?

Hook: I divulged my darkest secrets and desires, thinking I was drunk!

Charming: Is the serum still working?

Hook: I'm not sure. Ask me something.

Charming: Do my jeans make my butt look fat?

Hook: Yes.

Charming: Well then...jerk.

Hook: But in a good way!

Charming: Save it!

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>Emma &amp; Neal<span>_**

Emma: Hello Neal.

Neal: Why do I get the feeling this isn't going to be a fun conversation?

Emma: For once you're actually right about something.

Neal: What do you want?

Emma: So you and Hook, hm?

Neal: What are you talking about?

Emma: I heard you two like to have a little too much fun.

Neal: Meaning?

Emma: You two spy on me around town when you get bored!

Neal: Oh, that?! We stopped doing that weeks ago.

Emma: What?

Neal: Yeah. You got too predictable and boring so we picked someone else to follow.

Emma: Who?!

Neal: Blue Fairy.

Emma: What the hell? Why?

Neal: Because she's shady as fuck. I think she's the cause of all our problems.

Emma: Seriously?

Neal: Yeah. You're welcome to tag along the next time we go out.

Emma: I don't- But I'm not boring!

Neal: Yeeeeah...you kinda are. But it's okay. A woman your age with a teen son, you were bound to get stuck in a daily routine.

Emma: I'm trying so hard not to be insulted right now but you aren't helping.

Neal: Every day at noon you stop at Granny's for a cup of hot cocoa and a bear claw. You sit for 20 minutes and read the newspaper before going back to the station for the rest of your shift where you just sit at your desk.

Emma: I hate you both.

Neal: We know. And we accept your love.


	30. Chapter 30: Anniversary Edition

_**A/N:**_ I just want to say thank you for reading this story and enjoying it so much. I can't tell you how much it means to me to have reached 30 chapters in just 18 months. I just wanted to put something out there that people could laugh at, realistics aside, and enjoy the characters in a new, comedic light. So in honor of 30 chapters, I present a special chapter. And here's to many, many more!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Neal &amp; Hook<strong>_

Neal: DUDE!

Hook: How are you, mate?

Neal: I was fine until Emma told me what happened.

Hook: Oh…she told you, huh?

Neal: Of course she did!

Hook: I'm sorry! It wasn't my fault, she tricked me!

Neal: How the hell do you let Emma trick you?!

Hook: Rum. She gave me truth serum instead of rum.

Neal: Just this once I'll accept that excuse. You can't let that happen again!

Hook: I know, I know. I'll be more cautious from now on. What did you tell her?

Neal: That we stopped spying on her and started following Blue.

Hook: Stretching the truth, eh?

Neal: Thankfully I don't have to constantly tell the truth, unlike certain pirates.

Hook: And what if she finds out we're still spying on her as well as Blue, and we're the presidents of the Emma Swan Fan Club?

Neal: She'll either be flattered or kill you.

Hook: I think the- wait why me?! This was your idea!

Neal: Maybe. Maybe not. But I can lie. You can't. Not until that stuff wears off. And who knows when that will be.

Hook: I could start telling you stories about your mother and I.

Neal: STOP! NO. DO NOT. I heard enough with my father and Belle. NO.

Hook: Good. Don't lie on me, then.

Neal: Pirate.

Hook: First Mate.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Henry &amp; Parents<strong>_

Henry: Moms? Dad?

Emma: Kid.

Regina: Yes, Henry?

Neal: What's up?

Henry: I want to apologize…

Emma: Okay. Apologize.

Regina: We're listening.

Neal: And no funny business.

Henry: I'm sorry for being disrespectful to you guys and lying about everything.

Emma: And?

Henry: It'll never happen again.

Regina: It better not.

Neal: Or things will get a lot worse.

Henry: It won't, I promise. Can I please leave the White Room now?

Emma: What do you think, Regina? Has he had enough?

Regina: Hmm, while I do believe he has learned his lesson, I think he can stay there a little while longer.

Neal: I agree.

Henry: SERIOUSLY?! Guys please, I'll be good, I promise! I can't take this anymore!

Emma: This is for all the trouble you've caused this past month.

Regina: And just for that, I'm adding an extra hour.

Neal: And just when we thought you were changing.

Henry: I'm going to die in here...

Emma: No you won't. Just believe you'll be fine and you will.

Regina: Relax. You won't be alone much longer. Someone will be joining you.

Neal: Wait, who?

Henry: ...

Regina: My mother.

Emma: Are you sure that's a good idea?

Neal: I don't think we should put them together.

Henry: I don't know if this is a good or bad thing...

Emma: Bad thing.

Regina: Too bad. It's been decided.

Neal: Have fun son! Sucks to be you!

Henry: I'm going to go cry.

Emma: Love you kid!

Regina: Muah!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Cruella &amp; Snow<strong>_

Cruella: This is going to be very hard for me to say.

Snow: And just how did you get my number?

Cruella: You texted me first the other day, numbskull.

Snow: …Right. What do you want?

Cruella: I promise you're making this harder than it needs to be.

Snow: Says the woman who skins animals.

Cruella: And I love every second of it. Anyway! Let me say this so I can continue living my peaceful life!

Snow: What do you want?

Cruella: Ursula says I have to apologize or else I'm in the doghouse.

Snow: Karma's a bitch, isn't it?

Cruella: I hope you choke on bird food and vultures peck your eyes balls out.

Snow: That doesn't sound like an apology to me.

Cruella: Listen, I'm sorry you're such an idiot. I hope you can forgive me for ever even responding to your ignorance.

Snow: ...I'm telling Ursula what you said!

Cruella: Snitch! Just can't keep your mouth shut even after all these years!

Snow: Whatever furball. Hope you like the doghouse!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Rumple, Emma &amp; Charming<strong>_

Rumple: Thief!

Emma: Oh shit...

Charming: Yes Emma, care to explain yourself?

Rumple: There is no explanation needed! She stole from me and must suffer!

Emma: Imp, I suggest you worry about that shop of yours and leave the law to the sheriff.

Charming: Well, that would be true. Except the sheriff is stealing like a criminal.

Rumple: Let me punish her...I have so many ways to make thieves pay.

Emma: You won't lay one grimy finger on me!

Charming: He won't but I don't think your mother will be too happy to hear about this.

Rumple: Chop off a few of those fingers.

Emma: Wait...don't tell mom. We can work something out.

Charming: Too late.

**_~Adds Snow to the thread~_**

Snow: What's going on here?

Rumple: Shave you bald. No more blonde hair for you.

Emma: I think he's lost his mind.

Charming: Hello dear. Apparently our daughter thinks it's okay to steal from people.

Snow: ...Emma...I think you should come home and we have a little chat.

Rumple: Break your kneecaps with my cane.

Emma: Gold is actually starting to scare me now...And no, that's okay. I'm just going to finish my shift here at the station and go hang out with Killian and Neal.

Charming: No you aren't. No hanging out. You're in trouble.

Snow: What your father said. You come home right after work.

Rumple: And you tell Bae he's in trouble too! He was the only one besides Belle and I who knew about the serum so I know he told you.

Emma: Guys...I'm 30 years old. I'm a grown ass woman.

Charming: Okay grown ass woman. How about we send you to Gold's for a week?

Snow: How would you like that?

Rumple: Oh do it! Please do it!

Emma: So did you guys need me to pick up anything on the way home right after work?

Charming: Thought so.

Snow: No. You come straight home.

Rumple: You lucked out, savior. But I will have my revenge sooner or later.

Emma: I swear I used to live a normal life.

Charming: Gold, Emma will be coming by your shop every Saturday and Sunday for the next two months and help you with anything you need.

Snow: And she'll even help on Wednesdays too. Instead of sitting at home watching Netflix.

Rumple: Hmm...I suppose that will suffice.

Emma: I don't remember volunteering my services.

Charming: I don't remember stealing not being against the law.

Snow: All decisions are final.

Rumple: Welcome to hell.

Emma: This has got to be illegal somewhere...

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Queens of Darkness<strong>_

Ursula: So what's happened since the last update?

Regina: Hell, you and the dalmatian lover were too busy doing God knows what the last time to even know what happened.

Cruella: Don't be jealous because we're in love.

Maleficent: All I ask for is a two hour nap each day. Is that too much to ask?

Ursula: What are you, 85?

Regina: Yeah Mal...Come on, we're not that old yet.

Cruella: Well, Regina's older than dirt but the rest of us are fairly young.

Maleficent: Napping has nothing to do with my age. I simply like being alert at night and taking a nap helps.

Ursula: So dragons are nocturnal?

Regina: Watch it dog breath!

Cruella: Hey! Get put on my list if you want to!

Maleficent: No. I just don't trust many people...

Ursula: Now I get it. Understandable, Mal.

Regina: Ooo! I am so scared! Newsflash! You can't kill anyone. HAHAHAHA! Sucks for you.

Cruella: I wish I could stab you right in the throat and watch you choke.

Maleficent: What in the hell is going on?

Ursula: She may not can kill but I certainly can.

Regina: She started it!

Cruella: I did not!

Maleficent: Well now I'm ending it! Apologize, the both of you. NOW.

Ursula: And be nice.

Regina: I'm not doing anything.

Cruella: Likewise. Finally we agree on something, Queenie.

Maleficent: If you don't want a cranky dragon on your doorstep, I suggest you both get to apologizing right here and now.

Ursula: And I'll make sure you can't use your powers on her again, Cru.

Regina: UGH. Fine. I apologize for being rude, Cruella.

Cruella: And I apologize for being rude as well.

Maleficent: Better.

Ursula: Let's try and keep it peaceful.

Regina: Whatever.

Cruella: Bullshit.

Maleficent: What was that?

Ursula: Wasn't me.

Regina: I said the weather. Damn autocorrect.

Cruella: Yeah, autocorrect. I said bulls don't sit.

Maleficent: Mhm...I'm going back to bed. Not another peep!

* * *

><p><strong><span><em>Everyone<em>**

Cora: This meeting of the town is now called to order.

Regina: Mother, what the hell?

Emma: This is not the time for your shit, Cora.

Snow: Emma, you watch your mouth!

Rumple: She learned from you two.

Charming: She most certainly didn't.

Belle: Rumple, leave the Charmings alone.

Neal: Oh God.

Hook: Meeting for what, Captain?

Zelena: Nice to see you too, mother.

Marian: Is everything alright?

Ursula: What on earth is this?

Cruella: How do all these people keep getting my number?!

Henry: My phone is going crazy. What's going on?

Robin: I'm not even there anymore!

Maleficent: Really?! Again?! ALL I WANT IS MY NAP!

Cora: Puff, shut it. I have called you all here today because I have some very good information to share with you all.

Regina: You better not!

Henry: What news? Am I finally getting out of the White Room?!

Emma: Nice try kid, nope.

Snow: Aww Henry. Don't worry, Emma will be in there with you shortly since she thinks stealing is okay.

Rumple: I still say chop chop goes a finger. Bet she wouldn't steal again.

Charming: You are not chopping off our daughter's finger!

Belle: Excuse my husband. He hasn't been getting much sleep lately so he isn't quite himself.

Cruella: Pft, when has he ever been normal?

Zelena: I agree with the dog woman.

Marian: Zelena, that isn't nice!

Ursula: And Cru, we've already talked about this.

Robin: I am so confused it isn't even funny.

Neal: Dude, me too.

Hook: Me three. Shall we sing? Yo-ho, yo-ho, it's the pirate's life for me!

Maleficent: I'm going to burn you all alive.

Cora: EVERYONE SHUT YOUR PIEHOLES AND I'LL TELL YOU.

Regina: I need a drink.

Emma: Ditto.

Neal: Ooo Hook, I like that song!

Hook: Thank you mate.

Snow: Ursula! Cruella never apologized!

Cruella: Snitch!

Charming: Not again.

Ursula: CRU!

Zelena: I'm sorry Marian, but it's true.

Robin: This is so awkward.

Marian: And hello to you too, Robin.

Henry: This is like some soap opera type-shit.

Rumple: Whoa whoa whoa.

Belle: Did he just...?

Maleficent: Boy...Henry is it? I think you might want to prepare yourself for a whirlwind of trouble.

Cora: Henry? Was that you? I know I'm old and my eyes play tricks on me but I could've sworn that was by your name.

Regina: HENRY!

Neal: What the hell, son?!

Emma: Kid! That's it! You've asked for it! We're sending you to be with Gold for a few days.

Rumple: YES!

Belle: Uh oh.

Hook: Well damn.

Snow: This has taken a turn for the worst.

Henry: It wasn't me!

Charming: Don't try to lie now.

Cruella: Ursula, I'm sorry. She just brings out the worst in me. I want to skin her so badly.

Ursula: Mhm...Well you'll have plenty of time to think of a proper apology over the next week.

Robin: Hello Marian; Zelena.

Zelena: Afternoon.

Marian: Nice to hear from you.

Maleficent: Turns out missing a nap might not be so bad after all.

Cora: And they say I'm the crazy one. Right. CAN I FINISH MY NEWS FIRST AND THEN WE WORRY ABOUT THE BOY?!

Regina: Who do you think you are?! Using that type of language like some ratchet pirate!

Henry: I swear it wasn't me! Please don't send me to grandpa's! I'll stay in the White Room!

Emma: Too late! You should've thought about that before you said it!

Rumple: Send the boy!

Charming: We know it was you.

Neal: Emma, are we sure about this?

Belle: My water just broke.

Hook: Ratchet pirate?! I'll have you know us pirates are called scallawags, thank you.

Snow: Uhm, guys...!

Cruella: Shut up, bird whisperer!

Ursula: I think that librarian needs some assistance.

Zelena: Uh, Rumple, your wife is in labor!

Robin: How is everything?

Marian: I think that's pretty obvious by this entire conversation.

Maleficent: I should've popped some popcorn.

Cora: REGINA'S A FATHER!

Regina: ...WHAT?!

Henry: Are you shitting me right now?

Emma: Holy shit...

Snow: MAURY! MAURY!

Hook: Jerry Springer is better!

Neal: Steve Wilkos!

Rumple: BELLE ARE YOU OKAY?!

Belle: I'm fine, I need to know what the hell is happening. The baby can wait a few seconds.

Charming: I'm going to need a lot of liquor after this.

Robin: WAIT WHAT?

Zelena: Didn't know you had it in you, sis. Congratz!

Cruella: HAHAHAHA!

Ursula: Is that even possible?

Marian: Just when I thought I was understanding everything.

Maleficent: I almost choked on my water. CORA! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!

Cora: Shut up. Each and every one of you. This thread will end here; I now have two heirs to the thrones. Prince Henry, Prince Roland & Princess Lily. Consider yourselves doomed.


	31. Chapter 31

_**Emma, Regina, & Zelena**_

Emma: So, we all know that your mom is crazy as hell. What are we going to do about her and this plan she has?

Regina: You do realize that this is pretty much out of our hands now, right?

Zelena: Yeah, we're powerful but no match for her. She's a whole different type of crazy and powerful.

Emma: So we're just going to sit back and watch this madness unfold?!

Regina: For once, don't be the hero.

Zelena: We've come to learn that our mother's plans never quite work out the way she thinks they do.

Emma: In other words: Let nature take its course?

Regina: I knew you weren't all that blonde, Swan.

Zelena: Bingo. So stop worrying so much. Even Marian's not worried.

Emma: How's that possible? Hey-wait! That's fucked up, Regina.

Regina: I take it back. It took you way too long to get that.

Zelena: Granny gave her a crossbow with plenty ammo. And you thought I had a crazy glint in my eyes, you should see Marian when someone threatens Roland.

Emma: I'm ignoring you, queenie.

Regina: Call me that again and you'll personally get to experience Fireball Friday. So I take it everything is all good in your neck of the woods, sis?

Zelena: Oh yes. Wait! Marian says Robin just told her he's on his way because he doesn't want mother corrupting his child.

Emma: Fireball Friday? And too late for that.

Regina: Great. More problems. A senile mother, a childish sheriff, a rebellious son and now a confused thief. Can anything else go wrong?

Zelena: You should also probably talk to Maleficent and apparently your daughter?

Emma: Oh yeah! How does that even work?

Regina: I forgot about Mal! Oh hell, I need to go!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Rumple &amp; Neal<strong>_

Rumple: Bae, it's a little girl.

Neal: What's a little girl?

Rumple: The baby. Your sister. Remember, Belle was pregnant for nine months?

Neal: OOOOH! That's amazing Papa! A little girl.

Rumple: It truly is. She looks so much like you did as a baby.

Neal: Aww Papa.

Rumple: But don't think that this joyous occasion has distracted from the fact that you told Emma about the serum.

Neal: ….I think you should be more focused on Belle and the baby. They deserve ALL your attention for the next…20 years.

Rumple: I'd be a selfish father if I didn't pay any attention to my first born.

Neal: No no, that's okay. I'm a big boy now.

Rumple: Oh no, you'll always be my little Bae.

Neal: I'm in trouble aren't I?

Rumple: Lots.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Erin &amp; Henry<strong>_

Erin: HENRY!

Henry: WHAT'S WRONG?!

Erin: Why haven't I heard from you in days?

Henry: Sorry. Been stuck in the White Room?

Erin: What the hell is the White Room?

Henry: Okay so you remember that day you came over when no one was home and I showed you a locked door?

Erin: Yeah.

Henry: Behind it is a room, the walls and ceilings are white, no windows and the only object in the room is a white chair.

Erin: So you're basically in time out?

Henry: Can we not call it that? I prefer the term 'forced isolation'.

Erin: But in reality you're just in time out for being a bad boy.

Henry: Does no one respect that I'm almost a man?!

Erin: Aww Hen Hen. I think that's cute.

Henry: I swear to- You do?

Erin: Yeah. It's obvious you didn't do anything too stupid or dangerous. Plus if you're locked in a room with no windows, no way of anyone knowing what you're doing, maybe I should come over and keep you company.

Henry: You always have the best ideas.

Erin: I know. You'd be lost without me.

Henry: Such confidence. You'll need it if my mom catches us.

Erin: I'm not worried about her. Plus your grandmother said she's leaving for the rest of the day so we have plenty of time to spend together.

Henry: I'm afraid to ask what else you and my grandmother have been talking about.

Erin: I can show you better than I can tell you.

Henry: BLESS.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Maleficent &amp; Lily<strong>_

Maleficent: Is everything okay sweetheart?

Lily: I guess so. I mean, this town is full of freaks, excluding you, but it's nothing I haven't become used to.

Maleficent: I agree that it does have its...quirks, but it's the only place where we actually fit in.

Lily: So you want to stay?

Maleficent: I don't really have much of a choice in the matter. But seeing as you do, I hope you'll stick around. I really would like to get to know my only daughter.

Lily: Only if you promise that the crazy woman will leave me alone.

Maleficent: Which crazy woman, dear? There are plenty.

Lily: I can't think of her name right now.

Maleficent: Snow? Cruella? Cora?

Lily: Cora! But those other two too.

Maleficent: Don't you worry about them, they won't be bothering you.

Lily: Okay. Then I'll stay. I really do want to know more about you.

Maleficent: Perfect. How about I make us some dinner after my nap and we'll talk about anything you want to know.

Lily: Nap? Mom, aren't you like 40?

Maleficent: Why does everyone think only old people nap? And I may have the body of a 40 year old but I'm much older.

Lily: Because most of the time only old people nap.

Maleficent: Well being a dragon is tiring. You'll find that out soon enough. Does 8 sound good?

Lily: Yeah that's good. I'll bring wine.

Maleficent: See you then, sweetheart.


	32. Chapter 32

_**Unknown Number & Cora**_

Unknown: I know what you're doing and it's not going to work.

Cora: Who the hell is this?

Unknown: You don't need to know all that.

Cora: Bullshit. You better tell me who you are before I find you and beat you with my butter sock.

Unknown: Your threats mean nothing to me. I am all powerful.

Cora: Hook, if this is your attempt at a joke, you're not funny. That pinky between your legs is funnier.

Unknown: ...I'm going to pretend you didn't just insult me by thinking I'm that rust bucket of a pirate.

Cora: Hm. Then tell me who the hell you are!

Unknown: It isn't important. What is important is that I can help you.

Cora: Listen you little sh- You can?

Unknown: Indeed I can. All you have to do is make sure I reap some of the benefits after all this is done.

Cora: And how do you know there will be any benefits?

Unknown: I know everything, Cora. I know who Zelena's father is too.

Cora: I don't believe you.

Unknown: I was there that night.

Cora: Perv!

Unknown: NOT DURING THAT! Ew. I would've barfed. I was there when you two met. Just like I was there when you told your daughter you didn't know who her father was.

Cora: For you to be "there" so much, you sure don't sound like you have much power if you get all your information from spying.

Unknown: But that's just it. I have the power to be in multiple places at one time.

Cora: Perhaps you'll be of some use to me after all. Just don't let me catch you peeping in on me while I'm showering.

Unknown: Excuse me while I go throw up.

Cora: You don't like it; you love it.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Charming &amp; Hook<strong>_

Charming: Are you still not talking to me?

Hook: …..

Charming: I said I was sorry.

Hook: You said my jeans make my butt look fat!

Charming: IN THE GOOD WAY.

Hook: Nope. There is no good way.

Charming: How about I buy you a round at the Rabbit Hole?

Hook: Can I have nachos too?

Charming: Of course you can.

Hook: I suppose forgiveness can be discussed.

Charming: You know you want to forgive me.

Hook: Don't flatter yourself, prince.

Charming: Your favorite prince.

Hook: The only one I know who is foolish enough to insult a pirate.

Charming: His favorite pirate.

Hook: FINE. I forgive you. Now buy me rum.

Charming: I knew you'd come around.

Hook: When rum is on the line, there isn't much I wouldn't do for it.

* * *

><p><em><span><strong>Henry &amp; Snow<strong>_

_~Accidentally butt-texts Snow~_

Henry: aslkjgsd

Snow: Henry?

Henry: ! fasou7

Snow: ARE YOU IN DANGER?!

Henry: q3strc

Snow: Oh my God, someone kidnapped you?!

Henry: egrf

Snow: Egrf? What is that code for?

Henry: axewa

Snow: Don't worry Henry, I'm getting your moms and we'll be there in no time! Just hold on!

Henry: jefkhf

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Zelena &amp; Marian<strong>_

Zelena: What was the name of the cookies Roland wanted from the store again?

Marian: Oreos?

Zelena: Ah! I see them. They look gross. I don't see how people eat this food.

Marian: You've been here longer than I have and you still don't understand this realm?

Zelena: I doubt I ever will, my dear. But they do have some foods that are appealing to the eye.

Marian: Oh? Like what?

Zelena: I spy with my wicked eye, something red, black and green.

Marian: Red, black and green?

Zelena: Think long and hard.

Marian: Strawberries?

Zelena: Bingo! I also see something cocoa colored and egg white.

Marian: Now that's harder!

Zelena: Just try. Plus this is entertaining for me while I shop. These goody-goodies are annoying.

Marian: Hot chocolate with whipped cream?

Zelena: Close but no.

Marian: You know, I'm not a fan of being your entertainment.

Zelena: Aww, come on. I'll make your favorite dinner tonight.

Marian: You better be glad I enjoy your cooking.

Zelena: I'll give you one more guess and then you can give up.

Marian: Chocolate chip cookie with icing?

Zelena: Nope. But you're a cute little smartie. It's a certain maiden covered with whipped cream.

Marian: But I'm not covered in whipped cream and I know damn well there isn't another maiden you have your eyes on.

Zelena: No, no. You're not covered in it YET.

Marian: ….Cheater.

Zelena: Wicked always wins.

Marian: Just get the whipped cream and maybe I'll have your prize ready for you when you get home.

Zelena: Oh yes, I'll get the strawberries too.


	33. Chapter 33

_**Cruella & Maleficent**_

Cruella: I have a question.

Maleficent: And why is it that you're asking me?

Cruella: Because Puff, you're wise.

Maleficent: Keep it up and you'll be a pile of charred remains.

Cruella: Dahling calm down. It was just a joke. But I do believe you can be of service.

Maleficent: What is it?

Cruella: You and Ursula talk about things when you go shopping. Has she mentioned anything that she wants?

Maleficent: Were you not paying attention again?

Cruella: Perhaps...Look, I can't help it if I saw a really fabulous fur coat and that caught my attention.

Maleficent: And give me one good reason why I should help you out, especially after what you did to Lily.

Cruella: We both know I'm a terrible person, that's no secret. But I want Ursula and I's one year anniversary to be special. Don't you think she at least deserves that?

Maleficent: ...Fine. But from now on pay attention to your wife! She was talking about a pair of heels she saw at the store.

Cruella: Oh wait! I'm starting to remember. The red stilettos, right?

Maleficent: Right.

Cruella: I knew it! Thanks dahling! I have some shopping to do.

Maleficent: Get me a pair too!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Zelena &amp; Emma<strong>_

Zelena: Savior!

Emma: Oh God. What do you want, Zelena?

Zelena: Oh shush, you enjoy talking to me. I need some advice.

Emma: No.

Zelena: You dare tell me no?!

Emma: Yep!

Zelena: But...please?

Emma: What is it?

Zelena: Thank you! Where's the most romantic spot in this dreary town?

Emma: Hm. Other than Granny's?

Zelena: Blondie, if you call that rust bucket romantic, you are blinder than the Blind Witch.

Emma: Woman! Look, you really want romance, create it!

Zelena: HOW DAMNIT?!

Emma: Are you trying to do something nice for Marian?

Zelena: Shut up.

Emma: You are! AW!

Zelena: I'm going to curse the next child you have.

Emma: Ask your sister how well curses and your family get along.

Zelena: I set your car on fire...

Emma: ...OH MY FU- I AM GOING TO DROWN YOU!

Zelena: I heart you too.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Neal, Rumple &amp; Belle<strong>_

Neal: I wanted to tell you guys something...

Rumple: What is it, son?

Belle: You have our undivided attention.

Neal: I've been holding this in for so long and I feel like now's the perfect time to confess.

Rumple: Bae….spit it out.

Belle: Did something bad happen?

Neal: No, nothing bad happened. It's just, I'm finally being honest with myself. My name is Neal Cassidy and I'm a chocoholic.

Rumple: ….

Belle: Oh my- HAHA! Good one.

Neal: RIGHT?! Ahhh! I got you both good.

Rumple: Five minutes.

Belle: Rumple?

Neal: Papa? What do you mean? It was just a joke.

Rumple: In five minutes something will happen.

Belle: Don't you dare hurt him!

Neal: Oh hell no, I'm going hide behind Emma.

Rumple: Ah, don't make me laugh. She can't save you.

Belle: Rumple I swear, if you retaliate over a harmless joke, you're going to regret it.

Neal: Then I'll ask Regina for help!

Rumple: Now THAT'S even funnier! And Belle, just calm down, it won't be anything harmful.

Belle: Mhm. We'll see.

Neal: A chocolate pie just hit me in the face. I regret everything…

Rumple: Karma's a bitch.

Belle: What am I going to do with you two?

Neal: Tastes good though.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Henry &amp; Cora<strong>_

Henry: GRANDMA!

Cora: Boy! Don't yell at me!

Henry: I NEED YOUR HELP!

Cora: AND I SAID DO NOT YELL AT ME!

Henry: Will you just help me, dammit?!

Cora: I'm going to pretend like you didn't just cuss at me either. Because I will cut all your fingers off and leave you with just nubs. Your new nickname will be Nubby.

Henry: …Please Grandma, I need your help.

Cora: Better. Now what is it?

Henry: I accidentally butt-dialed Grandma Snow and was texting her random stuff. She thought I was in danger so she's getting my moms and coming to get me.

Cora: Just tell her it's a mistake. Besides, what's the big deal?

Henry: I tried but she didn't answer! And Erin's in here with me…

Cora: Your mothers are going to kill you.

Henry: Just help me!

Cora: No like, I'm dead serious. They are going to kill you and bury you in the same day.

Henry: Will you just poof her out of here?

Cora: I can't do that Henry.

Henry: WHY NOT?!

Cora: THAT ROOM HAS A SPELL OVER IT THAT BANS MAGIC, NUMBNUT.

Henry: WHAT?! WHY?!

Cora: WHY DO YOU THINK? YOU ARE SHIT OUT OF LUCK, GRANDSON.

Henry: I'm so dead…

Cora: Better pray.

Henry: At least I'll die with the girl I love.

Cora: Awww! I'll get you both some beautiful roses to lay on your caskets.

Henry: If you really wanted to be helpful, you'd at least get here before them.

Cora: Hm. Watch Netflix or argue with Sassy Pants and Blondie about how dumb you are...I'll take Netflix.

Henry: Thanks Grandma, I can always count on you.

Cora: Love you too, Nubby! Tell Erin I said goodbye!


	34. Chapter 34

_**Regina & Erin**_

Regina: If you're such a bold person, why won't you pick up the phone when I call?

Erin: Because I don't need you yelling in my ear like some banshee.

Regina: Little girl...you're are so lucky my mother hid you.

Erin: Whatever you say, crone.

Regina: The Lord is testing me right now.

Erin: What do you want?

Regina: To know why you were with my son doing...

Erin: You mean making out?

Regina: It damn sure looked like a lot more than that!

Erin: Trust me, it wasn't. Calm your saggy tits.

Cora: DAAAAAMN! Erin: 2 Regina: 0

Regina: I'll have you know my tits are perfectly perky. Though I can't say the same for my mother. And trust me dear, things wear and tear as you get older. Just wait.

Erin: Doesn't matter. I'll have Henry by my side and he'll love me no matter what.

Cora: EXCUSE YOU?!

Regina: Hahaha! You believe that?

Erin: We're in love.

Cora: MY TITS ARE NOT SAGGY. RUDE.

Regina: No you're not. And as of today, if I catch you within 50 feet of Henry, I'll roast your little ass and feed you to Maleficent. She has a taste for insolent little girls.

Erin: You can't do that!

Cora: I'm really hurt. Like...are my breasts really sagging?

Regina: It's already done. Have a nice day. Mother, I'll see you at home.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Robin &amp; Marian<strong>_

Robin: How are you?

Marian: Robin? I'm good and you?

Robin: I'm okay. I was wondering if we could talk about Roland.

Marian: Sure. I have no problem with that.

Robin: How is he?

Marian: Good. He misses you.

Robin: I miss him too. I'm still working on a way back into town. This wall Cora put up is really thick.

Marian: Don't hurt yourself, Robin. Hold on, Roland wants to talk to you.

Robin: I won't. Alright.

Marian: Papa!

Robin: My boy! Papa misses you.

Marian: I miss you too! I want to practice shooting with you.

Robin: You will, son. Soon, I promise. Give your mother back the phone now. I love you Roland.

Marian: I love you too, papa.

Robin: You wouldn't mind if we spent father/son time together, would you?

Marian: Of course not. You're his father and you did a wonderful job raising him in my absence. I would never take that from you. Ever.

Robin: Thank you. And I'm sorry for everything.

Marian: You don't have to keep apologizing. There are no hard feelings, I promise. Now focus on getting inside so you can spend some quality time with this little monkey of ours.

Robin: Already on it, m'lady.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Ursula &amp; Hook<strong>_

Ursula: Pirate!

Hook: Sea Witch!

Ursula: Don't test my patience.

Hook: Hell, I thought we were calling out what we are.

Ursula: Anyway. I need some assistance and unfortunately, you're the only one that can help me.

Hook: Aye? And what would you need my help with?

Ursula: I'm looking for a special pearl but only a top notch ship can get me to the type of water it's located in.

Hook: I guess that's where the Jolly Roger comes in?

Ursula: You guessed correctly.

Hook: And what do I get out of all this?

Ursula: You get to keep your other hand...

Hook: Nice offer but I was thinking something along the lines of rum. Or at least money for rum.

Ursula: ...Fine. I'll get you five bottles of rum.

Hook: FIVE?! Bloody hell! Let's leave now!

Ursula: You really should stop drinking so much.

Hook: Only when you stop pearl diving...it you know what I mean.

Ursula: I have absolutely no words. How have you lived this long without a woman cutting out your tongue?

Hook: Dashing good looks?

Ursula: I just snorted. Be ready to leave in an hour.

Hook: I am a beautiful man and you all know it!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Unknown Number &amp; Cora<strong>_

UN: Well well well. We chat again.

Cora: So have we made anymore progress with the plan?

UN: I've recruited a little more help. They'll be arriving to Storybrooke soon.

Cora: How soon?!

UN: Don't rush my work old lady!

Cora: Listen your little shit, I'm going to start calling you Peeping Tom since you like spying on people. Perv.

UN: I AM NOT A PEEPING TOM! Just be patient. Shit.

Cora: At least tell me who the hell I'm supposed to be looking for. Because there's a big ass wall keeping out.

UN: That's going to have to temporarily come down.

Cora: You're starting to work my nerves.

UN: You've BEEN working mine. Just take it down when I tell you and then you can put it right back up.

Cora: Fine. But if any unwanted guests get inside, they are your responsibility.

UN: Ugh. You need to make sure that Lily really is your granddaughter.

Cora: And how in the hell am I supposed to do that?

UN: I know you didn't just ask me that dumbass question. Even if there weren't modern day DNA tests, you still have magic. USE IT.

Cora: I really don't like your ass. I promise I don't.

UN: Yeah whatever. Have fun talking to Rumple.

Cora: You and him suck donkey dick.

UN: Learned how from you.

Cora: Choke on air.


	35. Chapter 35

_**Zelena and Regina**_

Zelena: Sis, I need to talk to you.

Regina: Sure. But you do know you could've just come over, right?

Zelena: Not with mother there. I don't want her to know yet what I'm going to tell you.

Regina: Is this a good secret or something that's going to end with putrid butter socks being thrown?

Zelena: Good secret.

Regina: Alright. Proceed.

Zelena: So within the next month I plan to ask Marian to marry me but I want it to be as romantic as possible.

Regina: Aww! I think I can help with that.

Zelena: Really, Regina? Because your help planning it all out would mean the world to me.

Regina: Consider it done.

Cora: MY BABIES GETTING ALONG!

Zelena: Bloody hell! Why do you insist on coming out of nowhere?!

Regina: I forgot she likes to butt into conversations.

Cora: Yet still not as big a butt as you are, my dear queenie.

Zelena: And here I thought I'd actually get to keep a secret.

Regina: My butt is not that big!

Cora: Oh hush, greenie. Do I look like Snow? I'm happy you and Marian are together and I want to help!

Zelena: Wait, really?

Regina: I should've run away.

Cora: DUH! I was the first to catch on, remember? I knew you both were dating before she left Storybrooke and went to New York.

Zelena: I'm shocked, mother. Well if you truly want to help, I would love that.

Regina: Oh how nice! Mother and daughters bonding! I'm going to barf.

Cora: Save it, Kim Kardashian. You know you love spending time with your dear old Mummy. Now I can spend time with the both of you.

Zelena: Kim Kardashian?

Regina: Mother...You and these names, I swear I think my brain might explode one day.

Cora: #BrainBlast #MindBlown #ImOutThisBitch

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Hook, Neal &amp; Emma<strong>_

Hook: Would either of you know how to hotwire a car?

Neal: Pft. Duh.

Emma: You're kidding, right?

Hook: No. I need some help.

Neal: Sure, I'll help. My skills are rusty anyway.

Emma: Uh...whose car are you trying to steal?

Hook: Not steal. Borrow.

Neal: Oooo! We could go on a road trip!

Emma: I'm surrounded by idiots.

Hook: AYE!

Neal: I'll bring the chips!

Emma: HEY! WHOSE CAR ARE YOU 'BORROWING'?!

Hook: No need to shout, lass. And I found a Lincoln by the library.

Neal: Yeah Emma, calm down.

Emma: Isn't that- you know what, you two have fun. Let me know how the trip goes.

Hook: We'll bring you back a souvenir.

Neal: I'm on my way, Hook.

Emma: Mhmm...

Hook: I've got the rum!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Cora &amp; Rumple<strong>_

Cora: Rumple-Bumple

Rumple: ...Why are you plaguing me with your existence?

Cora: Pft, you know having me around is a gift.

Rumple: More like a curse. What do you want?

Cora: I need your help with something.

Rumple: Does this involve Regina?

Cora: Yes...

Rumple: No.

Cora: And why the hell not?!

Rumple: Because I don't need her yelling at me for helping with whatever dumb plan you have.

Cora: I just need a simple spell. No one has to know you gave it to me.

Rumple: And yet, my gut tells me the moment I hand over the spell, all hell will break loose and I'll be in just as much trouble as you.

Cora: Right, because they're all a match for the Dark One.

Rumple: That isn't the point. I have a newborn child and a wife to think about. You know, Cora, an actual family. Something you never had.

Cora: That slick tongue will get you nowhere with me because we both know you've always had a family, even when Bae left. Isn't that right, Rumple?

Rumple: I really despise you. I hope you know that.

Cora: My dear, you have yet to feel true hatred for me. I'll be by to get the spell tomorrow.

Rumple: We're going to establish some ground rules after this because you're not going to keep holding stuff over my head.

Cora: You say that and yet it's been how many years now?

Rumple: GOOD NIGHT.

Cora: LOVE YOU TOO.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Henry &amp; Erin<strong>_

Henry: Erin, I can't talk long.

Erin: Henry! Are you okay?!

Henry: Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm locked up in my room.

Erin: And your mom let you keep your phone?

Henry: HAHAHA no. I have spares hidden around the house.

Erin: Sneaky. But she told me I couldn't be around you anymore.

Henry: Don't listen to her. She just hates the idea of me dating.

Erin: No, I think she genuinely wants to kill me.

Henry: Nah. She doesn't. But it would help if you didn't talk to her the way you do.

Erin: I can't help it, she gets under my skin sometimes.

Henry: Look, I love you, Erin. And I love my mom. The both of you have to come to some sort of agreement. But we'll talk about that once I'm off punishment.

Erin: How long are you in jail?

Henry: Surprisingly, just two weeks.

Erin: That doesn't sound right…

Henry: Eh, I think mom's just finally learning I'm growing up.

Erin: No Henry I think there's some other stuff planned.

Henry: Don't worry about it. I have to go now, I hear her coming upstairs. Love you.

Erin: Love you too.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: Hey guys, I just wanted to put out another chapter. It was actually ahead of when I actually planned on it because tomorrow's my 21st birthday (yaaaay! legal drinking age) and I'll be celebrating the rest of the week with friends and family. Plus I wanted it out before OUAT came back on. I hope you all have a lovely rest of the week, thank you for your continuous love and support!<strong>_


	36. Chapter 36

_**Maleficent & Lily**_

Maleficent: Hello dear.

Lily: Hey mom.

Maleficent: I was wondering what you wanted to have for dinner tonight. I could make my most famous dish.

Lily: If it's going to be a whole pig roasted on the table with an apple in its mouth when I get home, I'm going to have to pass.

Maleficent: No, no. Nothing like that. I make a really good Parmesan Chicken Alfredo with a side Cesar Salad and some french bread.

Lily: You really should've lead with that because you had me at Parmesan Chicken.

Maleficent: Just wait until you taste it. Better that anything else in the world. Well, except a few things.

Lily: ….I'm not going to mention where my mind just ventured right now.

Maleficent: Hey, I'm entitled to try different 'tastes' in life.

Lily: MOM. TMI. I'm starting to understand what Emma was talking about.

Maleficent: What are you babbling about?

Lily: She told me how she's walked in on her parents….doing the do…more than once.

Maleficent: Oh that's just revolting. Giving you mental picture to scar you is one thing but to actually provide the visual is down right disgusting.

Lily: Remind me to keep a pair of ear plugs handy when I'm with you.

Maleficent: Oh come now, you'll live.

Cora: But you won't!

Lily: What the hell! How'd you get my number?

Maleficent: She's the devil, that's how.

Cora: Possibly. Not the point. I found the answer I've been searching for the past week and Maleficent, you are so dead. We're eating Dragon Soufflé tonight!

Lily: You threaten my mom again you bag of bones and I'll use you as halloween decorations!

Maleficent: Cora, my patience with your nonsense has worn thin over the years. Now what the hell are you talking about?

Cora: Earlier today, I swiped a follicle of hair from Lily's head to perform a simple test. You remember those types of tests, don't you Puff?

Lily: WHEN DID YOU TAKE MY HAIR?

Maleficent: ….

Cora: Cat got your tongue? No…I think the Queen of Hearts has finally stumbled upon the truth and you're afraid. Winter is coming.

Lily: Was that a whack Game of Thrones reference?

Maleficent: I have no idea what that is but I think you should come home. Immediately.

Lily: Why are you letting the crypt keeper scare you? We're dragons, remember?

Maleficent: I'm not afraid of her, per say, but rather what she knows and how she plans to use that information.

Lily: Yeah, I want to know what she was talking about.

Maleficent: I'll tell you once you get here.

Cora: I AM NOT OLD ENOUGH TO BE A CRYPT KEEPER. BITCH.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Emma, Snow &amp; Charming<strong>_

Emma: Guys, we need to talk.

Snow: What's wrong, sweetie?

Charming: We're all ears. Well, eyes. But you get the gist.

Emma: …Anyways. I've been thinking about this for quite some time and I think it's best if I act like the adult I am.

Snow: I'm lost.

Charming: What is it you're trying to tell us?

Emma: I'm 29 years old and still living at home with my parents.

Snow: SO?

Charming: We don't mind you living here, Emma. You should know that by now. We've finally been able to piece our family back together.

Emma: That's not what I'm getting at.

Snow: No? Then what is it because I'm about to start gluing all your stuff to the floor.

Charming: And you should know by now that she isn't bluffing.

Emma: I want to be able to pick the movies for Movie Night. Sick of those damn fairytale movies. I want GORE.

Snow: Charming, I swear if you had any doubt that she was YOUR daughter, they should've disappeared by now.

Charming: I'm pissing myself laughing.

Emma: You two aren't taking me seriously…

Snow: My dear cookie monster, you could've been picking the movies all along. We thought you wanted to watch those boring movies. We've been watching scary movies while you were asleep because we thought they scared you.

Charming: Yep. All the good slasher movies. Tonight we were going to watch Children of the Corn.

Emma: WHAT? Hell no I'm not afraid!

Snow: Good. Then we'll all watch it when you get home. Phew, I thought I was acting like an overbearing mother that was making you want to leave.

Charming: 'Acting'

Emma: Oh would you look at the time, Regina needed some files from me asap. See you guys when I get home.

Snow: What was that, Charming?

Charming: Huh? Oh nothing. My phone was in my back pocket. Must have been butt-typing.

Snow: Right…Well if I have a nightmare tonight in my sleep and 'accidentally' hit you upside the head, forgive me.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Rumple &amp; Regina<strong>_

Rumple: I'm afraid I have some bad news regarding your mother.

Regina: If she finally left Storybooke, we all know that's not bad news.

Rumple: Only in my dreams. No. She's acquired a certain spell from me and it has to deal with you.

Regina: What spell, Gold?

Rumple: I can't exactly say.

Regina: I thought I told you not to give in to her!

Rumple: You don't understand how my hands are tied in this situation! She has been holding a delicate piece of information over my head for years and until I come clean, she holds power over me.

Regina: WELL THEN COME CLEAN, IDIOT.

Rumple: FINE! Years ago, your mother and I were a thing. Like a really big thing.

Regina: Oh my fu- EW. Gold, that is the grossest thing you could ever tell me and I've listened to Snow talk about sex with Charming.

Rumple: Thank you for that unneeded information. Anyway. There was something else.

Regina: Well spit it out!

Rumple: I let her do something terrible.

Regina: Stop. Stop stop stop stop.

Rumple: I can't! I have to tell it now. I let her dress me up like a princess and when you were little, we would have tea parties.

Regina: Oh my God. YOU ARE MRS. APPLEBOTTOM?!

Rumple: I'm afraid so, dearie.

Regina: I'm going to kill YOU ALL.

Rumple: Start with your mother.

Regina: ALL THIS TIME. ALL THIS DAMN TIME.

Rumple: It feels nice to get that off my chest. Now I'm off to ruin your mother's day.

Regina: TELL HER I'LL BE SEEING HER VERY SOON.

Rumple: Gladly.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Cruella &amp; Hook<strong>_

Cruella: You're a dead pirate walking!

Hook: Oi, what in the bloody hell are you talking about, fur ball?

Cruella: I saw you take Ursula somewhere. Now where the hell was it and why?!

Hook: I'm not at liberty to say. You should ask your bloody wife!

Cruella: And yet I'm asking your smelly ass. Although your peanut-sized brain probably can't function enough to answer such a simple question.

Hook: Keep insulting me and I sure as hell won't tell you anything about our adventure.

Cruella: Watch your tongue before I cut it out and slap you with it!

Hook: I doubt that. Plus my tongue is much too useful and far more pleasing inside my mouth.

Cruella: You disgust me beyond belief. I don't know what any woman saw in you.

Hook: A chance at blissful happiness.

Cruella: Don't make me laugh, imbecile. I'm sure that worm between your legs could turn even the horniest of women off.

Hook: IT IS NOT A BLOODY WORM! More along the lines of a python, thank you very much.

Cruella: A pyth- No. A stick bug is more like it.

Hook: When you find out what Ursula and I did while we were gone, you'll think back to this conversation and realize how wrong you were.

Cruella: If you put a grubby finger on my wife, you're going to need another hook and TWO EYEPATCHES.

Hook: If you say so. Don't you have some puppies to torture?

Cruella: I'm going to make a nice throw rug out of your skin. You'll look nice by the fire place.

Hook: Emma wouldn't let that happen.

Cruella: If you think I care about that petty savior, you've really underestimated who I am. I'll skin her alive and make you watch.

Hook: I'm going to pretend like I didn't just read that.

Cruella: Do whatever helps you sleep at night but just know I'm watching you and waiting fro the perfect moment to strike. Say your prayers, pirate.

* * *

><p><em><strong>A.N: Just to clear up a few things, yes I know Henry's middle name is Daniel, that chapter was written before it was revealed. Also this entire fan fiction is meant to be outrageously unrealistic and comical. Therefore, in my world, yes Zelena and Marian actually get along as a couple. If you haven't noticed by now that this is pretty much a crack!fic that doesn't follow what's canon on the show then I have no idea what you've been reading the past 35 chapters.<strong>_


	37. Chapter 37

_**Regina & Cora**_

Regina: You are dead to me.

Cora: What art thee talking about issue?

Regina: What?

Cora: What is thy problem, child?

Regina: My problem is Mrs. Applebottom!

Cora: Oh, so that gent toldeth thee about our little arrangement?

Regina: Yes he did! How could you, mother?!

Cora: I wast only putting thy best interest first. Thee didn't has't many friends so I hadst that gent doth that to keepeth thee entertained.

Regina: Mother, what in the hell are you saying? I'm telling you now, I'm not in any mood for games, I am agitated beyond belief. I have a rebellious son, a coo-coo bird for a mother, a sheriff with an idiotic addiction to cookies that keeps seeming to interfere with her job and on top of that, I'm finding out things I'd rather NOT know about my past.

Cora: Lief, pop a xanax and relax. Knowing that twas that gent changeth nothing about the excit'ment thee hadst. Doest t? And as for the knave, I'll handle that gent and the little wench. Those gents won't best seeing each other anytime soon.

Regina: I'm taking two. And when you stop speaking in Shakespearean, you and I will need to have a serious conversation.

Cora: Oh aye, I has't some things to discuss with thee as well. Mainly about our family.

Regina: Yes. We have A LOT to discuss. I know why you went to Rumple in the first place. Mother, all you had to do was ask and I would've told you the answer.

Cora: What doth thee mean?

Regina: Lily. Yeah, she's not my daughter.

Cora: Thou art joking, right?

Regina: No mother, as funny as it would be, I'm not.

Cora: I AM GOING TO SKIN EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU ALIVE AND WATCH YOU BLEED.

Regina: Welcome back, fusty wench.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Neal &amp; Hook<strong>_

Neal: Did you pick the movie for tonight?

Hook: Aye. You get the rum?

Neal: Did you forget who I was?

Hook: Not in the least bit.

Neal: Now remember, there will be no screaming at the scary parts.

Hook: Mate, compared to all the things I've seen in my lifetime, a mere movie couldn't scare me.

Neal: That's what you said last time when we were watching Insidious and you ended up screaming every fifteen minutes.

Hook: THAT LADY LOOKED LIKE CORA DAMNIT

Neal: Yeah, that was a bit freaky. But that's beside the point. I am not going to be staying up all night with you because you're scared of having nightmares.

Hook: I was not scared. Merely concerned.

Neal: Henry watched the movie and didn't even flinch.

Hook: I would expect nothing less from the child of the Evil Queen and grandson of the Dark One and Queen of Hearts.

Neal: …Anyways. Care to make a friendly wager that you'll get scared?

Hook: You and I both know who's the better gambler here.

Neal: Then put you money where your mouth is.

Hook: Oh no, not money. Something far more sacred.

Neal: What then?

Hook: A dare. Whomever loses has to do whatever dare the winner comes up with. No exceptions.

Neal: Alright, deal.

Hook: Get ready to lose, mate.

Neal: I'm already plotting the dare you're going to be doing when YOU lose. I hope you like lace.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Unknown Number &amp; Emma<strong>_

UN: Evening sheriff.

Emma: Who is this?

UN: Everyone and no one.

Emma: If this is Regina, I'm not finding this funny.

UN: I don't recall cracking a joke.

Emma: Cora?

UN: Oh God no.

Emma: WHO ARE YOU?

UN: Is everyone in this town borderline stupid?

Emma: With the exception of a few, probably.

UN: Trust me, you aren't one of the exceptions.

Emma: ...I can and will kick your ass.

UN: Oh really? And just how will you do that when you don't even know who I am?

Emma: I'll...I'll get Regina to help.

UN: Not if I tell her what you did last week.

Emma: How did you know?!

UN: I have eyes and ears everywhere. I see all. I hear all.

Emma: Look, I don't know what game you're playing at but I'm not interested.

UN: Oh but I think you are. See, because if you don't play, I'm going to be delving out information on some of Emma Swan's most private moments.

Emma: What. Do. You. Want. From. Me. Asshole.

UN: I'm so glad you asked. I need some assistance with something. The details aren't vital right now. All you need to know is to be at the Troll Bridge at 8 a.m. sharp tomorrow morning.

Emma: And I'm assuming you won't be showing me who you are anytime soon.

UN: Perhaps you are one of the exceptions after all, Sheriff. Sweet dreams.

Emma: I need a new number.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Maleficent &amp; Regina<strong>_

Maleficent: Did everything go according to plan?

Regina: Yes. For now, at least. There's not telling how long it will last though.

Maleficent: Unfortunately your mother is a very stubborn woman. I wouldn't be surprised if she found out you were lying before the week is over.

Regina: We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. But for now, I want to focus on you and Lily. Is everything alright?

Maleficent: Somewhat. I told her everything that happened. You can imagine the disgust she had when I gave the details about the sex.

Regina: ...Why on earth would you do that?!

Maleficent: I was trying to be educational!

Regina: Haven't even had the child for a month and she's already scarred.

Maleficent: She'll get over it. I needed her to know the different types of sex we can have as dragons and humans.

Regina: No need to go into details with me. I'm well aware of all that can be done.

Maleficent: Not all, dear.

Regina: Oh? Were you holding out on me?

Maleficent: I just didn't want to do something you couldn't handle.

Regina: Is that so? And here I thought I was an experienced dragon-tamer.

Maleficent: Hardly. Besides, after 30 years I'm sure your skills are rusty.

Regina: Care to bet on that?

Maleficent: With pleasure.

Regina: Remember when you lose that you asked for this.

Maleficent: We both know I never lose.


	38. Chapter 38

_**Snow & Emma**_

Snow: EMMA!

Emma: 2am

Snow: WAKE UP!

Emma: WHAT?!

Snow: ARE YOU UP?

Emma: NO! IT IS TWO IN THE MORNING NOW WHAT IS IT?

Snow: IT'S AN EMERGENCY! OPEN YOUR DOOR!

Emma: WHAAAAAAT?

Snow: NEAL SAID MAMA!

Emma:

Snow: Emma?

Emma: He said mama?

Snow: YES! ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?

Emma: That certainly is. Well mom, I have a word for you too. Two actually. Piss. Off.

Snow: EMMA SWAN!

Emma: MOTHER I AM TRYING TO SLEEP! SOME OF US DON'T SPEND ALL DAY TALKING TO DAMN BIRDS, I HAVE A JOB.

Snow: IT IS NOT JUST BIRDS. AND I WORK TOO.

Emma: THEN TAKE YOUR COO COO BIRD ASS TO SLEEP AND LET ME SLEEP AS WELL.

Snow: WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A LONG CONVERSATION DURING BREAKFAST IN A FEW HOURS!

Emma: I swear on Henry, if you don't let me get some sleep, I'm going to tie you to a chair, gag you, drop you off at Regina's and let her and Cora have fun with you.

Snow: Rude.

Emma: The rudest.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Zelena &amp; Marian<strong>_

Zelena: My dear maiden.

Marian: Yes, my wicked witch?

Zelena: I have a request to ask of you.

Marian: Does it involve doing something that will probably embarrass us both?

Zelena: Not at all.

Marian: Alright, ask away.

Zelena: There's a box on the bed for you. In it contains an outfit, put it on and meet me at the address written on the note attached to the box.

Marian: Zelena...

Zelena: Just trust me, love.

Marian: Alright. But if something bad happens, you're going to be the parent volunteer at Roland's school for the next month.

Zelena: You know I love it when you get all feisty. But trust me, it'll all be worth it when you get here.

Marian: We shall see.

Zelena: You know you love me.

Marian: Probably more than I should, but yes.

Zelena: Impossible. And unless you want to be tied up later, at my mercy, I suggest you drop that sarcasm.

Marian: And what if I like being at your mercy?

Zelena: Then the sooner you get here, the sooner the night can start and the sooner we can get to that part.

Marian: Already getting ready!

Zelema: I'll be waiting, my archer.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Belle &amp; Rumple<strong>_

Belle: Rumple, could you pick up some more diapers on your way home?

Rumple: Of course. How's little Annabelle?

Belle: Finally asleep for her afternoon nap.

Rumple: And how's my Belle?

Belle: Exhausted.

Rumple: Then how about when I get home, I run you a hot bath with some scented candles lit and you can relax as long as you want.

Belle: That sounds like the perfect dream.

Rumple: A dream that's going to come true.

Belle: But what about the baby?

Rumple: You don't think I know how to take care of our daughter?

Belle: Of course I do. It's just, she can be a handful, much like her father at times, and I don't want you to be overwhelmed.

Rumple: Belle Gold, you stop that right this instant. Now you are going to relax tonight even if I have to use magic to bind you to the bed.

Belle: Is it bad that I'd actually look forward to that?

Rumple: So my sweet wife has a request, hm?

Belle: Maybe.

Rumple: I think I'm going to close up early. I'll be home in a few minutes.

Belle: I'll be here.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Emma &amp; Regina<strong>_

Emma: Is it possible to turn my mother into a bird?

Regina: Yes but why would you want to do that?

Emma: Did you really just ask me that?

Regina: Yeah, I realized it after said it.

Emma: She woke me up at 2am just to tell me Neal said his first word.

Regina: And?

Emma: AND? Regina, seriously?

Regina: That's quite a milestone for young Neal, considering who his parents are.

Emma: I don't give two shits if he was reciting Shakespeare, it was 2 in the damn morning and I was asleep.

Regina: You really aren't a morning person, are you?

Emma: Again, really?

Regina: Right. Anyway. You have to understand that your mother was excited and she wanted to share that with her family.

Emma: Fine. But she couldn't wait until a decent hour to do so?

Regina: I think you should give your mother credit. She could've woken up the entire town for that and yet she settled for just you.

Emma: Are you...taking her side?

Regina: What? No!

Emma: You totally are! Something must be wrong!

Regina: Swan, nothing is wrong. Now unless there is a fire, may I get hack to what I was doing?

Emma: Actually I'm curious what you're doing now.

Regina: None of your business.

Emma: Okay so it's definitely not work.

Regina: Miss Swan, what I do is my private business. I suggest you go find some. Perhaps the smelly pirate will suffice.

Emma: You're with someone!

Regina: YOU ARE DAFT!

Emma: AM NOT!

Regina: I'm going to stop responding now. As I stated earlier, I am busy.

Emma: Yeah, busy probably riding a dragon.

Regina: She always was a champion rider. ~Mal

Emma: GODDAMNIT.


	39. Chapter 39

_**Belle & Snow**_

Belle: Snow!

Snow: Belle!

Belle: Did you get Regina's email?

Snow: Email? No...what does it say?

Belle: That the barrier around the town has been breached and we need to stay inside.

Snow: Why in the hell wouldn't she send me that?! I was just about to go shopping.

Belle: I think we both know the answer to that.

Snow: ...Damnit. Okay; is Rumple there with you?

Belle: No, he's at the Shop but I told him about the email.

Snow: You and the baby should come over here with Charming and I. I'll warn Emma and Henry.

Belle: Okay, I'll tell Rumple as well.

Snow: Please remind him that he won't be chopping off any of my daughter's fingers. I see how he stares at them sometimes.

Belle: I promise he'll be on his best behavior. He's still a bit upset about the whole incident but he'll be okay.

Snow: I'm an arrow with squid ink on it just in case.

Belle: See you in a bit.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>The Queens of Darkness<strong>_

Maleficent: What is nonsense about intruders?

Ursula: Queenie's panties are in a bunch, apparently.

Regina: You're one to talk, squid.

Cruella: Watch your tongue, hot head.

Maleficent: Regina what's going on?

Ursula: Keep talking and I'll shove a tentacle so far up your ass that I could use you as a puppet.

Regina: I know plenty of people who enjoy the taste of calamari. And my mother has taken down the barrier that was protecting us all and let strangers in.

Cruella: Oh that's just great.

Maleficent: WHAT?

Ursula: I swear, your mother is a one of a kind asshole.

Regina: Tell me something I don't know.

Cruella: I heard talk that Rumple was your real father.

Maleficent: This was not my ideal way of enjoying my Sunday.

Ursula: Would it be safe to assume it's every man for himself now?

Regina: Pretty mu- WAIT WHAT?

Cruella: Could be true oooor could just be gossip. We'll never know, dahling.

Maleficent: Actually, the firecracker's quite capable of finding out in a short period of time.

Ursula: But it was no secret that her mother and the imp had a fling.

Regina: SOS

Cruella: Oh well yes, that much is true.

Maleficent: I think you all broke Regina.

Ursula: She was bound to find out sooner or later.

Cruella: Plus I just love a good family squabble.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Unknown Number &amp; Emma<strong>_

UN: Congratulations Emma.

Emma: I don't have time for you right now, Casper. Everyone's freaking out and blowing up my phone.

UN: But you should be celebrating. You proved you didn't inherit your parents' idiot-ness.

Emma: Pretty sure that isn't a word and secondly, this is all your fault!

UN: On the contrary, you're the one who used your magic.

Emma: BECAUSE YOU BLACKMAILED ME!

UN: Potato-potatoe.

Emma: I swear on my box of cookies, if anyone in this town that I like gets hurt, I'm will find you and I will kill you.

UN: Ooo, I do so love spunk.

Emma: I should've stayed in Boston where it was normal.

UN: We both know you've never been normal. Face it.

Emma: ...Piss off.

UN: Such a potty mouth the princess has. Have fun. I'll text you tomorrow with another set of instructions.

Emma: Regina's going to kill me...

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Cora &amp; Rumple<strong>_

Cora: RUMPLE!

Rumple: What do you want, demon?

Cora: Everyone's losing their shit talking about I breached the barrier and let in some random people!

Rumple: Why does that not surprise me?

Cora: But that's just it! I didn't!

Rumple: AHAHAHAHA! As if I'd believe you.

Cora: I SWEAR IT WASN'T ME!

Rumple: And yet I still don't believe you.

Cora: Test it! Go to the barrier and see that it's not my dark magic anymore.

Rumple: Fine...I'll humor you.

Cora: That's all I ask.

Rumple: Much to my disappointment, it seems you're right. This is light magic.

Cora: TOLD YOU.

Rumple: And we all know there's only one person in Storybrooke with light magic.

Cora: GODDAMN BLONDIE!

Rumple: Bingo.

Cora: I am going to hang her by that tacky ponytail and beat her with my butter sock!

Rumple: As much as I enjoy a good ass kicking, and this one especially sounds good, I have other things to do. Take pictures for me.

Cora: Deal. Oh blondie, I'm coming for you...


	40. Chapter 40

_**Cora, Regina, Zelena & Emma**_

Cora: BLONDIE! THAT ASS IS MINE!

Regina: I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU ALL DAY MOTHER!

Zelena: WHAT THE HELL HAS BEEN GOING ON?!

Emma: WHY IS EVERYONE SHOUTING?

Cora: EMMA WAS THE ONE THAT BREACHED THE BARRIER!

Regina: DON'T LIE ON EMMA TO COVER YOUR TRACKS!

Zelena: I AGREE WITH EMMA, WHY ARE WE YELLING?

Emma: I have no idea what's going on...

Cora: Bullshit. Tell them it was you or I promise I will drag your ass to hell and back. If you think your mother's punishments were horrible, wait until I get a hold of you.

Regina: ...Emma, is she lying?

Zelena: Oh my, this is turning out to be quite juicy. Looks like the savior's in a bind.

Emma: No. She's not lying. But I can explain!

Cora: THE TIME FOR EXPLANATIONS IS OVER! YOU. WILL. PAY.

Regina: Emma, why the hell would you do that?! You better have a damn good explanation!

Zelena: I'm torn between cuddling Marian some more and continuing to read this conversation. Oh wait! I can do both.

Emma: I really loathe your existence, Zelena.

Cora: Makes two of us. BUT PRODUCE A GRANDCHILD AND WE CAN TALK.

Regina: I am waiting, Miss Swan.

Zelena: Ooh, back to 'Miss Swan' and Mother, can I at least bloody wed her first?

Emma: Someone made me do it. I can't tell you who. I...gotta go. Just don't hurt me yet.

Cora: KEY WORD, BLONDIE: YET. And of course Greenie. Then I require a dozen.

Regina: This isn't over Swan.

Zelena: Oh hell no. You'll be lucky to get three, and that includes Roland.

Emma: I know it isn't.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Hook, Neal, Henry, Rumple &amp; Charming<strong>_

Hook: Oi. What the bloody hell is going on?

Neal: I think we've got some unwanted guests.

Henry: I just heard mom say that ma was the one that used magic on the wall.

Rumple: Yes Henry, I'm afraid your mother has done something very stupid.

Charming: Emma would never do that!

Hook: I was trying to work the email thingy but gave up when the google said my password was wrong. But it's always been: handsomepirate69

Neal: If Emma did do this, I volunteer as tribute to take a vacation to New York because it'll be WW3 in Storybrooke.

Henry: Hook...dude...wth?

Rumple: I agree. Pirate, you need to change that. And Charming, light magic was used to do it. Your daughter is the only light wielder here, thanks to you and your wife.

Charming: Watch it, imp. I'll just call Emma and ask her myself.

Hook: I'm not changing anything. What's wrong with it?

Neal: Aside from it being too long?

Henry: And weird?

Rumple: And a big ass lie?

Charming: ...Gold, I apologize. You were right.

Hook: IT IS NONE OF THOSE THINGS.

Neal: Hookie-Poo, just change it to JollyRoger

Henry: I really think we should get to hiding now...I hear evil cackling.

Rumple: Please don't hide in the closet like your father. Charming, you'll have time to make it up to me while Belle and I are at your place.

Charming: Fine. Just no asking to cut off Emma's fingers.

Hook: Hmm, I suppose that may work. Thank you, lads!

Neal: ONE TIME, PAPA!

Henry: Safely under my bed.

Rumple: See, if you had let me take her fingers before, we wouldn't be in this mess.

Charming: I should've kept being a Shepard.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Robin &amp; Regina<strong>_

Robin: Regina?

Regina: Who is this?

Robin: ….Uh, Robin.

Regina: Oh yes! Yeah, sorry, the town's un an uproar about this whole wall thing.

Cora: She's lying. Your number just wasn't saved in her phone.

Robin: I'm just going to ignore your mother for now. And that's what I wasn't to talk to you about. I'm in town now.

Regina: Oh? That's good! I'm sure Roland would love to see you.

Cora: You can TRY to ignore me, Pinecone, but we both know you see me. Wait, wait, wait. In town? OH HELL NO.

Robin: Yes, I'm excited to see him. I was hoping we could maybe talk sometime soon.

Regina: MOTHER. Anyway, Robin, that would be nice but with all the chaos going on, I don't know hen I'll be available next.

Cora: Because she's been dragon-taming lately. Don't think we don't know.

Robin: Dragon-taming?

Regina: You know, I try so hard to keep my personal business PERSONAL, yet you always seem to find a way to know exactly what is I'm doing at every waking moment.

Cora: Well of course, dear. I'm your mother, that's my job.

Robin: What in the hell is dragon taming?

Regina: I'm afraid you're going to find out in a way you aren't going to like.

Cora: So like, you remember the dragon Maleficent? The one you stole from? On two separate occasions…

Robin: I've only stole from her once, but yes, I remember.

Regina: I'm afraid she's right, you stole from her twice.

Cora: Oh, I'm going to need some popcorn for the show she's going to put on. You stole Regina from her too.

Robin: WAIT WHAT?

Regina: …I'm going to drown in a tub of wine.

Cora: Dragon-taming, Pinecone. She rides quite well for a princess. Puff's going to be SO excited to see you.

Robin: I didn't steal Regina from her, I don't steal people.

Cora: Tell Puff the Magic Dragon that.

Robin: Shit…

Cora: I can see you making that constipated face. Man, you should see yourself. I'm dying laughing.

Robin: Piss off.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Unknown Number &amp; Everyone<strong>_

UN: Hear ye, hear ye, citizens of Storybrooke!

Cora: I know good and goddamn well you did not just wait until 3 in the FUCKING morning to text me.

Rumple: I'd thank you all kindly to shut your damn faces and let me sleep.

Snow: Some people have work in the morning teaching snot-nosed brats...

Regina: Great, more shit.

Hook: Que esta pasando?

Maleficent: This had better be good.

Zelena: Waking my woman and I up in the middle of the night warrants an ass whooping. Who's first?

Henry: DUDE. I have class in 5 hours! LET ME FACKING SLEEP.

Belle: I usually don't reply to this junk but, YOU WOKE UP MY BABY!

Charming: Now Rumple's growling about cutting off fingers. Thanks asshole.

Neal: What I miss?

Lily: I don't even know where to begin to try and figure out this madness.

Robin: I don't think I'm getting good service out here in the woods.

Emma: …I'm just going to eat my cookies. Is Hook speaking Spanish?

UN: As the Author of all your stories, I thought it was time to reveal my plan for you all.

Cora: YOU?! YOU WERE THE ONE WATCHING ALL OF US? PERVERT!

Rumple: Oh, I've longed to rip you apart limb from limb. Your fingers will make a nice trophy next to the pirate's hand.

Snow: Again, I'm like one of 12 teachers and I have A LOT of kids to teach. Sleep is important.

Regina: Stuff an apple in it, Snow. I want to hear just what this 'Author' has to say.

Hook: Estoy tan desorientado en este momento. A alguien le importaría explicarme?

Maleficent: Is that Robin, I see?

Zelena: Ass whooping number one will be delivered by Mal. I can deal with that.

Henry: I need a new family.

Belle: I'm letting Rumple cut off fingers this time.

Charming: You really don't know what you've gotten yourself into, do you?

Neal: Can you write me a new car?!

Lily: Uh moms, I don't think we covered this in our family talk…

Robin: Moms? Who are your mothers?

Emma: Shit's hitting the fan and for once I'm on the shitless side. Hook, change your keyboard back to english.

UN: You all have been taking advantage of the good life bestowed so graciously upon you, thanks to me. Now it's time to be punished until you can appreciate what you're given.

Cora: I'm coming for you, Artie.

Rumple: FINGERS. WAIT FOR ME, CORA!

Snow: For once, I'm on there side. Kick his ass. And you might want to step off, Dark One Jr.

Regina: …..I WILL END YOU!

Hook: Thank you Swan! At least someone was willing to help.

Maleficent: Well sweetie, it's more complicated to explain than I thought.

Zelena: Dark One Jr? OH NOW THAT IS PRICELESS!

Henry: I literally have no words for that. You all deserve a segment on Maury, Jerry Springer AND Steve Wilkos.

Belle: Uhm, so, Rumple's disappeared with a set of garden clippers…

Charming: And I can hear Cora's angry footsteps booming through town.

Neal: I'd hide if I were you, Author.

Lily: Not that it's really any of your business but Maleficent and Regina are.

Robin: I beg your pardon, I don't think I read that correctly.

Emma: You're welcome, Hook. Got any rum over there? I have a feeling I'm going to need some pretty soon.

UN: Does it look like I'm afraid of them?

Cora: DAMN PINECONE, are you really that dense? What the hell did you think I meant when I said dragon-taming?

Rumple: SNIP SNIP

Snow: Come to think of it, you even have his temper.

Regina: Snow, i swear to god if youdontshutyourgoddamnmouth

Hook: Of course I do! And I think the queen's having a breakdown.

Maleficent: Dragon-taming? Pft. I assure you, she's yet to 'tame' me. My name's the one being called out.

Zelena: Okay, didn't need to know all that. I'm going back to bed now. Let me know how the ass-kicking goes.

Henry: I have a sister?!

Belle: Oh, oh this is so bad.

Charming: Sweet dreams Zelena!

Neal: I'm still waiting for my car though…so…

Lily: Ew. I didn't need to know that.

Robin: I'm so confused right now.

Emma: I'll be over there in a flash! And welcome to the club, Robin.

UN: I hear knocking at my door? Are one of you out there?

Cora: Open up and find out. And for the record, Snow, I know what you're doing and if Regina doesn't get to you first, I'm coming for you next.

Rumple: Please?

Snow: You should calm down, Gina, before mommy and daddy put you in time out.

Regina: You're dead. Sleep with one eye open, you little shit.

Hook: I'll be waiting for you, Swan.

Maleficent: Right, forgot you children were in here.

Zelena: Night Charming!

Henry: I don't think I can sleep now.

Belle: I'm going to try and put the baby back to sleep. You all have fun. Rumple, no killing!

Charming: I hope I dream about pirates.

Neal: Wait for me, Emma! I wanna come too!

Lily: Same for me, kid.

Robin: No words.

Emma: Hurry up then, slowpoke! And uh, dad…your hooker is showing.

UN: You all are going to pa-

Cora: Everyone rest easy, we've got the little shit and are taking him to the town line.

Rumple: I won't kill him, just cut off his fingers so he can never write again.

Snow: We both know your threats to me are idle, Cora.

Regina: But mine aren't.

Hook: Bring some cookies and a movie!

Maleficent: I'll poof you both up some warm milk and cookies to help you sleep.

Henry: That actually sounds nice. Thanks Maleficent.

Charming: Shush Emma, no one asked you.

Neal: I'm bringing Insidious 3!

Lily: I think I'll just join Emma and the guys.

Emma: There's plenty of room on the Fuck It train.

* * *

><p><em><strong>A.N: Hope you guys have had a lovely holiday! Happy early New Year's and thank you so, so, so much for the continued support with this fan fiction. Next month marks two years of me writing it and without the readers, it wouldn't be what it is today. I read every single review you guys write and they make me smile, and even laugh sometimes, and it inspires me to keep going so I can keep making you guys laugh. I know the story seems whacky sometimes but I promise it'll all get better, I'm trying hard to tie up any loose ends I made in previous chapters so just hang tight! Love you guys and thank you again!<strong>_


	41. Chapter 41

**_Emma & Lily_**

Emma: Dude, did you ever get home last night?

Lily: Barely. Took me a whole hour to put the key in the lock.

Emma: SAME.

Lily: What the hell is in that rum? I've never been that shit-faced.

Emma: I have no idea but it definitely helped me forget all the shit that's going on.

Lily: True, true. But now we remember everything.

Emma: Partially. I'm still trying to black out bits and pieces.

Lily: Let me help you then.

Emma: Don't...

Lily: Oh yes, c'mon Emmy. It's no fun knowing my parents' grossness by myself.

Emma: Welcome to my world. I have gross parents too, remember?

Lily: Unfortunately. But still, I need help dealing with this.

Emma: Drinking with Hook once a week usually helps.

Lily: Once a week! How the hell have you not had alcohol poisoning yet?

Emma: MAGIC.

Lily: Shit, right.

Emma: Gotta love it.

Cora: My grand baby and her bestie getting along again!

Lily: I could've sworn I blocked your number.

Emma: You might as well get used to it because there's no escaping her.

Cora: NOPE :))

Lily: Chicken shit.

Emma: I'm going buy donuts, you two have fun.

Cora: BRING ME SOME!

Lily: ME TOO.

Emma: And you swear you aren't related to her. PFT.

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>Robin, Zelena &amp; Marian<span>_**

Robin: Morning ladies.

Zelena: Robby! Always nice to hear from you.

Marian: Good morning, Robin. What's up?

Robin: I wanted to know if we could all sit down and talk about this new family situation since I'm back now.

Zelena: Oh yes, FAMILY. We definitely are family now.

Marian: I don't see why we couldn't. But you do need to know something first.

Robin: What's that, Marian?

Zelena: Oh do let me tell him, love. It'd really make me happy.

Marian: Z, play nice.

Robin: Tell me what?

Zelena: Oh boo, you're no fun.

Marian: I let you tell Roland.

Robin: What the bloody hell is going on?

Zelena: Yes but my little monkey was excited. Robin might shit himself.

Marian: I swear, you two are ridiculous sometimes.

Robin: TELL ME!

Cora: THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED DUMBASS.

Zelena: MOTHER WHAT THE HELL? I WANTED TO BE THE ONE TO MAKE HIM DO THAT CONSTIPATED FACE AGAIN!

Marian: Thank you, future mother-in-law.

Robin: WHAT?! WHAT IS THIS?

Cora: Anytime, you adorable maiden. Just give me more grandchildren like the dimpled cutie, who looks nothing like his father, and help me build my army.

Zelena: I do say though, Roland kinda looks like me in some ways.

Marian: Oh Lord, don't start.

Robin: LYING WITCHES! MY SON IS THE FRUIT OF MY LOINS!

Cora: Quite small loins from what Regina tells me.

Zelena: Mm, actually a baby carrot and two grapes is a better representation.

Marian: You guys, stop torturing the man. He wasn't that bad.

Robin: I have no words for these two anymore.

Cora: PFT. You're being generous Zelena. But who knows, Roland might actually be yours :)) Either way he's my grandbaby so IN YO FACE PINECONE.

Marian: Robin, I'm sorry. Come by later and we can talk.

Robin: Yeah, fine. Just make sure the twin crones aren't there.

Zelena: That certainly wasn't what Marian was calling me last night.

Cora: OH DAMN I THINK HE SHIT HIMSELF FOR REAL. I have never been more proud as a mother right now.

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>Regina &amp; Emma<span>_**

Regina: Oh, SWAAAAAN!

Emma: Swan no comprendo ingles.

Regina: Bullshit. You comprehend just fine.

Emma: Ugh. What do you want, Regina? I was just about to eat the two donuts your mother and daughter didn't steal from me.

Regina: We need to have a little chat.

Emma: About?

Regina: Your punishment for listening to what that idiot Author, Isaac, told you to do.

Emma: Aw come on! It was one mistake! Cut me some slack.

Regina: Trust me, I desperately want to cut you but the question is where. Also, no.

Emma: You and your mother and sister should be checked into a mental ward for a series of evaluations.

Regina: Perhaps I'll look into that after I get through with you.

Emma: I am a grown woman.

Regina: As am I. Your point?

Emma: Do you really think I'm really going to let you do something to me?

Regina: Ha! Oh Emma, you're so funny. You think I care if you'll LET me do anything?

Emma: ...I'm running.

Regina: No, no. None of that. You aren't going anywhere until I'm through with you.

Emma: Why are my boots stuck to the floor?! REGINA!

Regina: On my way, dear.

Emma: NO NO NO!

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>Charming, Hook &amp; Neal<span>_**

Charming: Did you guys hear screaming?

Hook: Only the screaming of a certain lass in my bed.

Neal: Nope.

Charming: Hook...I know goddamn well my daughter isn't in your bed!

Hook: WHAT NO!

Neal: SHE BETTER NOT BE!

Charming: THEN WHO IS IT?

Hook: I mean, I don't see why that's important.

Neal: IT IS. Now tell us.

Charming: Before I get my sword.

Hook: Is somebody jealous?

Neal: As long as Emma's not- wait oh, you meant Charming.

Charming: Wha- psh. No.

Hook: Mate, you can tell me the truth.

Neal: You guys are the ones who should be in the closet. I ship it though.

Charming: I am telling the truth!

Hook: So if I told you that there actually wasn't anyone in my bed, you wouldn't be relieved?

Neal: Yes he would.

Charming: Shut up Neal.

Hook: Answer the question Charmy Bear.

Neal: Aww BroTP!

Charming: Yes...

Hook: That's what I thought. Now, I was joking about a lass.

Neal: Flailing so hard right now.

Charming: Good. Wanna get together for some drinks?

Hook: Sure, mate. You and Neal can drop by the Jolly Roger whenever you get ready.

Neal: Are you sure? I don't want to be the third wheel.

Charming: We're coming.


	42. Chapter 42

_**Cora, Regina & Maleficent**_

Cora: Oh Gina-poo...

Regina: Oh God, what is it mother?

Maleficent: Yes Cora, what is it? We were in the middle of something.

Cora: SPARE ME ANY DETAIL PLS. TY.

Regina: I swear to God, mother...

Maleficent: Why am I even in this foolishness?

Cora: BECAUSE :)) I've been wondering, if you took the potion to make you sterile, how tf did you create Lily with Puff?

Regina: Do not call her Puff. And well, to be honest, I never really was unable to have children. I just made you think that.

Maleficent: Who's the puff, now? You old bitty.

Cora: TBH THOUGH. I SHOULD KICK BOTH OF YOUR ASSES.

Regina: Oh please, it was for your own good. You stopped pressuring me about kids.

Maleficent: And let her have some room to actually breathe.

Cora: ...But do you realize what you could've done? PINECONE COULD HAVE GOTTEN YOU PREGNANT YOU IDIOT!

Regina: ...Mother, sthu.

Maleficent: You did use protection, right?

Cora: I BET HIS LEFT NUT SHE DIDN'T.

Regina: Not EVERY time but look! That isn't important. I am NOT pregnant.

Maleficent: I'll kill him. Roast him like a little piggy and swallow him in one gulp.

Cora: OMFG WHY ME?! WHY AM I CONSTANTLY BEING PUNISHED BY CHILDREN? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

Regina: Uh? Leave one in the woods to die while you mentally scarred the other one. Those incidents ring a bell?

Maleficent: Regina! Why are you not trying to figure out if you're carrying that vermin's child? Because I will care for it since it is apart of you but I will NOT love nor parent it.

Cora: TBH YOU BOTH DESERVED IT SO. I MEAN, YOU LIVED THO :))

Regina: ...You two are impossible. I AM NOT PREGNANT SO CALM YOUR TITS.

Maleficent: How are you so sure?

Cora: SHE HAS BEEN MOODY LATELY OMFG

Regina: Because I conduct a monthly test and Robin was banished by Mother Hubbard over there five months ago.

Maleficent: Oh thank heavens. I thought I was going to have to play step-parent to a forest child. Henry is a different story, I like him.

Cora: That's m'boy. Wait a min….are you two like….TOGETHER together?

Regina: Must we always inform you of personal information?

Maleficent: More like, friends with extra benefits.

Cora: OMG SECOND OTP RIGHT HERE. MAKE ME MORE BABIES.

Regina: And this is why you can't tell her anything.

Maleficent: As long as I don't have to get pregnant again, I'm not saying no.

Cora: SEE! Puff's with me on this, Gina :/ Give me an army.

Regina: NO. Shit. That's what you have Zelena for. From the noise complaints I've been getting, she and Marian are well on their way to giving you exactly what you want.

Maleficent: Damn. Didn't know Greenie had it in her. I'll have to call and congratulate her later.

Cora: She gets it from her mama tbh. Like, that high sex drive is hereditary. Your dad was like a limp noodle, Regina.

Regina: ….FUCK YOU.

Maleficent: I know all about her high sex drive. ;)

Cora: Seems like Puff wants to do you instead, dear. I'd go tap that if I were you.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Hook &amp; Emma<strong>_

Hook: LASS

Emma: ASS

Hook: Wtf? Swan, I need your help!

Emma: OH! I thought- never mind. What do you need?

Hook: It would really be helpful if you just came down here.

Emma: ….The last time I did that, you were naked and holding rum.

Hook: It's not like that, I swear.

Emma: Yeeeeeeah. Y'know, I want to believe you but, eh.

Hook: SWAN! JUST HELP ME

Emma: TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG!

Hook: I CAN'T!

Emma: Take a picture then.

Hook: …fine.

Emma: Is that…are you handcuffed?

Hook: Yes.

Emma: To your own damn bed?

Hook: YES NOW HELP

Emma: OML. Hook, I can't even right now. How the hell did that happen?

Hook: STOP LAUGHING AND JUST COME UNCUFF ME

Emma: Okay, okay. WHEW. Now tell me how this happened.

Hook: I was…with someone and things got heated and before I knew it, I was cuffed to the bed.

Emma: Tsk. Karma's a bitch, isn't it.

Hook: I have never tied someone up and left them! Unlike SOME people…

Emma: Keep talking shit and I'll leave your ass right there. If you could keep it between your legs, you would never get stuck in these situations.

Hook: Swan, please. Don't test my patience.

Emma: Hooky-bear…I'm on my way from the beach so I don't think I'll bother changing

Hook: DON'T YOU DARE. CHANGE FIRST

Emma: Oh yes, I think I have the perfect punishment so you won't do this stupid shit again.

Hook: SWAN DON'T.

Emma: Too late, already at the docks. See you in a few minutes.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Charming &amp; Robin<strong>_

Charming: What's up, bro?

Robin: I have no idea. So much is going on, I feel like I'm in hell.

Charming: What do you mean?

Robin: Regina and Maleficent? Then Marian and Zelena are getting married?

Charming: Oh yeah, dude. Both your women left you for women. That has got to suck.

Robin: You're totally making me feel better right now.

Charming: Sorry, sorry. But I mean, wanna go out for drinks?

Robin: Yeah, mate. I need to forget all this for awhile.

Charming: We can go after I get off work. Maybe you'll meet a cutie at the bar.

Robin: Oh no, I'm leaving women alone.

Charming: ….So you're into men now?

Robin: WHAT? NO. I'm leaving dating alone. Period.

Charming: Good luck, man. Love's not so easy to get rid of.

Robin: I've done it before.

Charming: So have I and look where I am. An almost 30 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. And Snow's talking about having another one. I haven't slept in two years. TWO YEARS.

Robin: I think you need to drink more than I do.

Charming: Probably.

Cora: Ooooor, Forest Fart, you could stop wallowing in self pity and go about your life.

Robin: Why do you always seem to bother me when I'm down?

Charming: Not this again.

Cora: Because you turned my daughter into a goddamn thot pocket by having her sleep with you.

Robin: A what? And Regina is a consenting adult, I did nothing that she didn't want me to.

Charming: I'm going to let you two have fun.

Cora: Liar. You want to know why I hate your smelly guts?

Robin: Please, enlighten me.

Cora: It's the thot version of a hot pocket. Hot & Ready? ANYWAY. My daughter has always been broken, my handiwork, and then you swoop in with the cute hobbit child and woo her. Your wife comes back and you drop her like a bag off rocks to trot back to Marian.

Robin: I was trying to be an honorable man!

Cora: LET ME FINISH, THOT POCKET JR. So you've broken off another piece of the already broken woman, right? THEN you catch her when she's most vulnerable, when her outlook on love is faltered, and proceed to shag her next to your wife's frozen corpse. WHO FUCKING DOES THAT? I'm cruel but goddamn, I never cheated on Henry in front of him.

Robin: It was a moment of weakness…

Cora: No, you knew exactly what you were doing. Had you handled shit correctly, I probably wouldn't be so disgusted by you. But you didn't, and chose to screw my daughter in more ways that one. Therefore, you are DOOMED TO BE HAUNTED BY ME FOR ALL ETERNITY.

Robin: FML

Cora: YEP! And please don't wear a mucus-green colored suit to the WickedMaiden wedding. PLS. :))

Robin: I hate you so goddamn much.

Cora: Feeling's mutual, pinecone!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Neal &amp; Henry<strong>_

Neal: Kid, you okay?

Henry: Yeah, why?

Neal: No one's heard from you since that…traumatic night.

Henry: Please, don't remind me. I've been hiding.

Neal: Smart kid Just like your old man.

Henry: Riiiiight. :)

Neal: Don't go there.

Henry: I said absolutely nothing wrong.

Neal: MHM. Your grandmother has been corrupting you. But that's not why I texted you.

Henry: What's up?

Neal: Don't say anything to your moms but there's a video game convention in New York this weekend.

Henry: CAN WE GO?!

Neal: I don't know, since I'm not all that smart. Even though I bought three tickets already.

Henry: DAD C'MON I WAS JUST KIDDING!

Neal: I know. That's why I'm going to overlook that.

Henry: Yes! Thank you so much! Wait, who's the third ticket for?

Neal: Hook. He wants to go.

Henry: Cool, cool. So it'a guy road trip?

Neal: You got it, dude.

Henry: What do we tell everyone else?

Neal: That's where that imaginative brain comes in.

Henry: Why can't we just tell them the truth?

Neal: Rethink that question.

Henry: Yeah, I just heard myself. Umm…We're going to pack up the last of the stuff in your apartment?

Neal: Good, good!

Henry: I hope this works. I hated the White Room.

Neal: Yeah but your face was hilarious when we finally let you out.

Henry: I wasn't laughing.

Neal: No, you were crying. You were so sweet that entire week.

Henry: You guys are horrible parents.

Neal: Eh, it runs in the family.

Henry: SMH.

* * *

><p><strong><em>A.N: So close to 100k views! AAAHHH! THANK YOU SO MUCH! You guys are so awesome.<em>**


	43. Chapter 43

_**Zelena & Marian**_

Zelena: Babe.

Marian: Hm?

Zelena: I was thinking we have a green wedding in the spring.

Marian: Something told me that was going to be your chosen color.

Zelena: Well of course. But we both know I look good af in green.

Marian: Mm, that you do. But I'd rather wear something close to white.

Zelena: And you can, my little maiden. We can have green and white colors everywhere. Even Roland and Henry can have green and white tuxedos.

Marian: In that case, you get no argument from me.

Zelena: That's my girl.

Marian: You went out to get some ice cream and you're thinking about dresses?

Zelena: Passed the clothing store on the way there and Roland pointed out a dress.

Marian: Aww! My cute monkeys.

Zelena: For future reference, I'm only allowing you to call me that.

Marian: Don't worry, I'll gladly shoot an arrow at anyone who says it besides me.

Zelena: My hero!

Marian: Always. Now hurry, Toy Story 3 is about to start and we know if Roland misses the beginning part again…

Zelena: Say no more! Already paying for the ice cream.

Marian: And…

Zelena: Right, and your frozen yogurt. I still say you have nothing to be afraid of.

Marian: Would you rather I took the risk?

Zelena: Well I wouldn't want my wife a popsicle so…no?

Marian: Then I'll stick with frozen yogurt.

Zelena: Hey, as long as whipped cream is still an acceptable food, you get no complaints from me.

Marian: Such a cheeky witch.

Zelena: It's one of my best assets, wouldn't you say?

Marian: Certainly was a major factor in why I love you.

Zelena: Hey! That's not fair! You can't make me 'aww' in public! I need these people to continue fearing me.

Marian: Oh please! You're still my adorable hellion.

Zelena: And proud of it!

Marian: I can hear the Pixar intro beginning.

Zelena: Shit! I'm using magic, hold on!

* * *

><p><span><strong><em>Robin &amp; Regina<em>**

Robin: U!

Regina: Uhm, Robin?

Robin: Y u no want dis?

Regina: …Did you hit your head?

Robin: WTF no

Regina: I'm just trying to figure out why you're texting me such nonsense. Where are you?

Robin: Wit Charmbear

Regina: Are you drunk?

Robin: Possiby jus a zip

Regina: Right. Hang on for just a second.

Robin: K

Regina: SWAN! Why aren't you doing your damn job?

Emma: MILLS! What the hell are you talking about?

Regina: You are supposed to be keeping this town safe and your father and Robin are drunk. Handle it.

Robin: Hi EMMA

Emma: Goddamnit. Can't get a break huh?

Regina: Oh please, you sit on your ass all day eating cookies.

Robin: cookies can i hve uno

Emma: I am not sitting on my ass, as you so graciously put it! Don't concern yourself with what my ASS is doing.

Regina: You are my employee, therefore what you do on the job is MY business.

Robin: gina has a nice ass

Emma: OHKAY Robin, let's get you home. Where are you and my dad?

Regina: At least he isn't blind like SOME people.

Robin: bye tha ol oak tee

Emma: And just what the hell are you implying?

Regina: That some people can value the view they are graced with while others would rather waste their time on…less tantalizing views.

Robin: i can heard wolfies

Emma: Are you…Regina?

Regina: What, Swan? Don't you think you should be taking care of finding your father and Robin? Before they do something stupid?

Robin: arf arf

Emma: Are you jealous that Hook wants my attention?

Regina: Are you MAD? You must be drink too.

Robin: AYE! nother drinkypoo

Emma: Naaah. We'll discuss this later.

Regina: There's nothing to discuss. Find the idiots and get them home or we'll be looking for a new sheriff.

Robin: jelly gina

Emma: Like I said, later.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Cruella &amp; Ursula<strong>_

Cruella: Dahling, are you still not talking to me?

Ursula: What do you think?

Cruella: No?

Ursula: Try again.

Cruella: Oh come now! It wasn't that big of a deal, Ursula!

Ursula: …Thing. Again.

Cruella: I apologized a dozen times.

Ursula: You burned those innocent woodland creatures!

Cruella: And I told you before that they were sent by that damn do-gooder to annoy me.

Ursula: So rather than just use your magic to send them away, you kill them?

Cruella: She would've sent them back!

Ursula: I'm still disappointed in you, Cruella.

Cruella: Come on, my little octopus.

Cora: I stg, you two are weird as shit but I ship it!

Ursula: Cora, not today.

Cruella: Yes, Coraline. Find another realm to raise hell in.

Cora: The both of you can shut the hell up because I came here to fix your marriage.

Ursula: I don't remember saying it was broken.

Cruella: Neither do I.

Cora: WELP. It is. And that was Snow's plan from the beginning.

Ursula: What was?

Cruella: I KNEW IT!

Cora: She vowed, after Cruella threatened her furry friends, to screw up her life.

Ursula: Oh really? I'm suddenly in the mood for a Hero Pie…

Cruella: And you thought I was just being evil! Well…I was but still, dahling.

Cora: Just trying to be helpful fam. Us evil folk gotta stick together in this grossly hero-filled town.

Ursula: Thank you Cora. Cruella, I'm sorry. But no more killing woodland creatures.

Cruella: ….Just one?

Cora: Again, you two are weird af.

Ursula: Last one.

Cruella: YES! Love you!

Cora: BUT #SeaDevil for the WIN!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Henry, Regina, Emma &amp; Neal<strong>_

Henry: Moms, would it be okay if I went with dad and Hook to New York?

Regina: Nope.

Emma: Why?

Neal: Well damn.

Henry: He needs help packing up the last stuff in his apartment.

Regina: Eh. Hire a moving company.

Emma: Why can't Charming go instead?

Neal: Uh, because Henry's my son and I'm trying to bond with him?

Henry: Right. Pleeeeeeaaaaaseeee?

Regina: Hmm…And how long will this packing take?

Emma: Well I don't really see the harm in it.

Neal: Then help us convince Queenie over here.

Henry: Just the weekend.

Regina: I don't know…You've been slacking with your homework lately.

Emma: Oh just let the kid go, Regina.

Neal: He can do it while we're there.

Henry: I promise I will!

Regina: Excuse me, Curly, Larry and Moe! I know how conniving our son can be.

Emma: Let the record show, I am Moe…

Neal: I call Curly.

Henry: Mom, c'mon. I'll be good. I'll even call you every hour if you want.

Regina: Since you seem to be the only mature one, I suppose that will suffice. But if you step one toe out of line, your grandmothers, Emma and I are coming to get you.

Emma: Wait…why don't we just go and help as well?

Neal: NO.

Henry: What he means is, that's okay. It isn't a lot of stuff. We can handle it.

Regina: Maybe we should. I don't see how smelly Guyliner can be helpful with one hand.

Emma: My thoughts exactly. Should we tag along?

Neal: I am a grown man. I can handle myself.

Henry: Hook's helpful, moms. Don't be mean.

Regina: Says the man that was stuck in a damn closet.

Emma: Excuse me while I laugh.

Neal: I was not STUCK. I'm not about to argue with you, dragon rider.

Henry: …..E W.

Regina: Why you little…Go to New York before I ROAST you.

Emma: DRAGON RIDER? I'm HOLLERING.

Neal: With pleasure! Come on Henry.

Henry: Thanks mom!

Regina: Miss Swan, I hope you did your job while you're over there screeching like a monkey.

Emma: Don't hate because a simpleton made you shut up.


	44. Chapter 44

_**Cora & Snow**_

Cora: Oh Nutcase!

Snow: What do you want, bat?

Cora: Watch yourself or you may not live to hear the good news.

Snow: And just what good news might that be?

Cora: You and all your little woodland creatures are going to meet an untimely death! Isn't it a joyous day in Storybrooke!

Snow: Are you out of your damn mind? No wait, don't answer that. Of course you are.

Cora: Hey Snow, choke on air, blabbermouth.

Snow: Hey Cora, remember when I tricked Regina into returning your cursed heart to your chest? Good times.

Cora: You bitch. I'm going to record Cruella ending you and put it on Youtube!

Snow: That fur-covered skeleton won't get the chance.

Cora: OH? I need you to say that later on today to her face, okay! I wanna get that on film.

Snow: Today? Bring it on.

Cora: YES! JUST WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR!

Snow: You are such a horrible instigator.

Cora: And you're going to be pigeon food after 5pm.

Snow: Yeah, yeah, we'll see. I have a son to go take care of so excuse me.

Cora: Make sure you write your last will and testament! I can put your bow and arrow on Craigslist.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Emma &amp; Regina<strong>_

Emma: Gina….

Regina: Swan, use my name correctly.

Emma: Regina…

Regina: What is it?

Emma: Whatcha doooing?

Regina: Searching through ads.

Emma: For what?

Regina: A sugar daddy.

Emma: Wait what?

Regina: You read right.

Emma: What the hell do you need one for?! You're the damn mayor of a city!

Regina: Not for me. You.

Emma: WTF!

Regina: I hope that's another way of saying 'Thank you, Regina.'

Emma: UH NO?

Regina: Tsk, I'm over here scanning through hundreds of applicants and that's the thanks I get?

Emma: I didn't ASK YOU TO?

Regina: But this will be good for you.

Emma: Please, I have GOT to know what the hell was going through your mind when you did this.

Regina: I figured you needed some companionship aside from the idiot and guy liner so I put out an ad for a tall, dark somewhat handsome man and plenty have responded to the picture of you I used.

Emma: ….I….OH. MY. LORD. REGINA I STG I HAVE NO WORDS FOR THIS.

Regina: Hold that thought, how do you feel about someone who could pass as a stunt double for Johnny Depp?

Emma: ARE YOU— How close of a resemblance on a scale of 1 to 10?

Regina: Hmm. About a 6.2.

Emma: Nah. NOW TELL ALL THOSE MEN I AM NOT INTERESTED. ESPECIALLY 6.2.

Regina: YOU NEED TO FIND SOMEONE.

Emma: WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH?

Regina: Because.

Emma: Well?

Regina: I've got an incoming phone call. I'll talk to you later, Emma.

Emma: UGH.

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Charming &amp; Hook<strong>_

Charming: Hey, I just dropped by the Jolly Roger with some rum and you weren't there.

Hook: Sorry mate, I'm in New York with Neal and Henry.

Charming: Wha? Why wasn't I invited?

Hook: You've got to take that up with the other two. I was asked to tag along and couldn't refuse.

Charming: Well why are you guys there?

Hook: Video Game convention from what Henry keeps reminding me.

Charming: Video Game Convention?

Hook: Aye. The little thing the boy plays that goes pew pew, with the walking dead.

Charming: And do Regina and Emma know about this?

Hook: Neal and Henry said they talked to them about all this.

Charming: I'm just really not understanding why I wasn't invited. I'm fun, right?

Hook: Of course, mate. Maybe it was because they only had three tickets and they didn't want you to have to leave Snow behind with the baby.

Charming: Yeah, maybe.

Hook: I've got to go, there's a line for Captain Hook fans and I need to greet my audience!

Charming: I don't think- Have fun!

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>Charming, Snow &amp; Emma<strong>_

Charming: I'M FUN RIGHT?!

Snow: Of course you are sweetheart!

Emma: Sure?

Charming: Then why didn't Neal and Henry invite me to the video game convention?

Snow: Maybe they thought you wouldn't like it. Want me to make you some cookies?

Emma: Whoa whoa wait a minute. What video game convention?

Charming: Yes please. The one in New York.

Snow: Chocolate chip?

Emma: They're supposed to be up there packing up Neal's apartment.

Charming: And heart shaped? That's not what Hook said.

Snow: Of course. You come on home and let Emma deal with all this mess.

Emma: OH OKAY. Just wait one damn minute.

_**-Adds Regina to the thread-**_

Regina: Emma, I already told you I would talk to you later about your sugar daddy.

Charming: WHAT SUGAR DADDY?!

Snow: And here I though we might actually have a normal conversation for once.

Emma: REGINA PLEASE.

Regina: GODDAMNIT SWAN!

Charming: I WANNA KNOW WHO THE HELL MY DAUGHTER IS CALLING DADDY!

Snow: STOP YELLING BEFORE I CALL CORA IN HERE.

Emma: No one. That's not important right now. Regina, Neal and Henry went to a video game convention in New York.

Regina: WHAT?! Those lying little- Okay. Let's go. We've got a believer and numb nut to punish.

Charming: Not important?! How!

Snow: Charming, cool your jets. We have more to worry about right now anyway. Cruella's apparently got some agenda against me so come home and prepare for battle.

Emma: Already got my keys.

Regina: Uh, Idiots #1 and #2, take care of my town while we're gone. I have no interest in coming back to find that you have replaced anything with a picture of a bird or that you've destroyed my town with your petulant fights.

Charming: I'm on my way, Snow.

Snow: Have fun, Regina. And you should take your mother with you too.

Emma: Oooor not? I need a break from Storybrooke's very own Sherlock Holmes.

Regina: No, I do believe her purpose will be better served here with the rest of you. Ta-ta!

* * *

><p><strong><em>So last week this fanfic reached over 100k+ views and you guys, when I say I cried, I CRIED. Even if most find this outrageously ridiculous, insignificant, whatever the case may be, I don't care. This means everything to me. As an aspiring writer for entertainment, (graduating next year, whoop!) I pay attention to the reception I get and the constant overflow of positivity makes me want to pass out bear hugs to each and every one of you. Thank you oh so much for encouraging me, sticking with me for two years and watching my writing grow and develop. I write this for you guys so without you, this would be nothing.<em>**


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